REALLY Bad Jokes

[Ambergnat]

A new zoo just opened up in town, but the owners could only afford one animal - a small dog.

It's a shih tzu.

[Ambergnat]

A veterinarian was at home one evening when he got a frantic call from one of his clients, an elderly woman.

“Help me, doctor! My two dogs are having sex in the middle of the kitchen! How can I get them to stop?”

“Try picking up the male dog and putting him in another room.”

Five minutes later she calls back.

“Doctor, please help! I did what you said and he got out of my grasp. They’re back to having sex in the middle of the kitchen!”

“Get a bucket, fill it with cold water and dump it on them. That should solve it.”

Five minutes later she calls back.

“Doctor, this is a real emergency! I dumped the water on them and they immediately went back to having sex!”

“Ma’am, it’s very simple. Just tell the male dog that the phone call is for him and make him answer it?”

“Are you sure that will work?”

“Absolutely. It’s worked for me three times tonight.”

[Ambergnat]

Little Johnny and his sister's parents walk past them and into the bedroom then shut and locked the door behind them.

They looked at each other and the sister said “I wonder what they're doing” so she went up to the door and looked through the keyhole.

Little Johnny asked “what you see, what you see” but the little girl said nothing and had a shocked look on her face.

She wouldn't move so little Johnny pushed her out of the way and looked through the keyhole.

All of the sudden he turned with a angry look on his face and said “And she criticises me for sucking my thumb!"

[Ambergnat]

Little johnny went into his parents bedroom as they were doing it.
Little Johnny jumped on Daddy's back, yelling "Horsey back ride, horsey back ride!",
Daddy was a bit upset by this but, Mum said "Give Johnny a horsey back ride",
OK, shrugs daddy and gets back back into it...
...and when daddy was almost done, little johnny says "This is when I fall off the mail man..."

[Ambergnat]

A very large woman in a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar. She raised her right arm revealing a very hairy armpit as she pointed at all the people in the bar and said, "What man here is going to buy a lady a drink?"

The bar fell silent as everyone tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar a drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and shouted, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured a drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned round, raised her arm again revealing the same hairy armpit and pointing at all the patrons in the bar as she said, "What man here is going to buy a lady another drink?"

The bar again fell silent but the same old drunk at the end of the bar yelled, "Give the ballerina another drink!" and slammed his money down on the counter.

The bartender approached the drunk and said, "Look mate, it's your business if you want to buy that woman a drink but why do you keep call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina"

[Ambergnat]

One evening, Jesus walks into a flash restaurant with his 12 disciples following him in.

The Maitre D greets him and says:

“Good evening sir, how can we help you today?”

Jesus responds:

“Yes, we’d like a table for 26 please”

The Maitre D looks confused for a second, before gathering his composure:

“But sir, there are only 13 of you?”

Jesus responds:

“Ahh, yes…. but we’re all going to sit on one side of the table”.

[Joe Rocket]

What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get towed......... 

[Ambergnat]

A man walks into a pub and asks for a double scotch.

The Landlord asks, "are you alright" as the man looks a little shaken.

The man explained that his car had konked out a mile or so down the road. He had been scratching his head looking at the engine when a horse popped his head over the hedgerow and told him how to fix the problem.

"Arr, was it a black horse?" Asked the Landlord.

"Yes", said the man

"You wuz lucky then," said the Landlord. "There's a grey horse in that field, and he knows feck all about engines".

[Ambergnat]

Little Johnny was sitting in his classroom.
His teacher asked the class, ‘If there are seven birds sitting on the washing line and you take away one bird, how many birds are left?’
Little Johnny puts his hand up saying ‘Miss, Miss, me Miss, I know.’
His teacher warily says ‘OK Johnny, how many birds are left if there were seven birds sitting on the washing line and you take away one bird?’
Johnny proudly says ‘None Miss.’
The teacher asks ‘NONE? How did you come up with none Johnny?’
Johnny replies ‘Well, when I shot the first one, the rest flew away...’

[Ambergnat]

On a bit of a Run here...

When Bill Gates dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter escorts to a nice studio apartment in a nice part of town. Out walking one day, he meets a distinguished looking gentleman with a magnificent white beard. They get along so well that the gentleman suggests they both go to his place for tea.

Bill is awestruck. The place is a palace, with beautiful, manicured gardens and elegant statuary. The tea comes in perfectly translucent bone china cups and tastes, well, Heavenly.

“Who are you to rate such a place?” Bill asks tentatively.

“I am Captain Edward Smith.” his host replies.

“Of the RMS Titanic?”

“Yes, the very same.”

Bill heads off to see St. Peter. “Look, St. Peter, I know that no matter how well I’ve led my life and tried to do good deeds, that I could have done better. But really — Captain Smith….”

St. Peter looks up from his computer screen. “Yes, yes, I know, Captain Smith of the Titanic.”

St. Peter puts his hands on the edge of his heavenly computer desk and stares down at Bill Gates.

“Look, buddy. We run Windows up here. He only crashed once!”

[Ambergnat]

Mom and Little Johnny are in the mini van on the way to the mall when out of nowhere a big rubber dildo comes flying through the air and bounces off the Windscreen  with a big “WHOMP, startling both Mom & Little Johnny.

Little Johnny says to his Mom, “Mom, Did you see that? What was that that just hit the Windscreen ?”

Mom really doesn’t know exactly how to respond due to the young age of Little Johnny & the embarrassment of what the object actually was but responds with, “It was really just a very big bug Johnny.”

Little Johnny not missing a beat says to his Mom, “No shit Mom, It must have been! Did you see the size of the dick on that thing?”

[Ambergnat]

...2 men have died and are at the gates of heaven with Saint Peter.

Saint Peter says "Before you can go into heaven, you need to do a task:

First, you both go back to Earth and you get 10 pieces of fruit of the same kind. Then you come back here."

The first man arrives back with 10 cherries.

Saint Peter says "Now I want you to put them all in your mouth without laughing once. If you can do that, you may go into heaven."

But before he even begins, the man starts laughing wildly.

"Why are you laughing already?" asks Saint Peter, "You haven’t even started yet!?"

"Well", says the man, "I went past the other bloke on the way back here and he was collecting coconuts!"

[Barbel Mick]

I've just remembered that word I've been trying to think of for two weeks.

It's "fortnight."

[Barbel Mick]

I met a bloke called Ian Tevvy the other day.
He said his brother was the lead singer for The Hollies.

[Barbel Mick]

Sometimes I turn off the lights and tell jokes.
It's my dark sense of humour.

[Barbel Mick]

Exercising an agoraphobic dog is no walk in the park.

[Ambergnat]

My mate decided to go to a fancy dress party as Adam, so ordered a fig leaf from an agency. When it arrived, it wasn’t suitable, so he sent it back with a covering letter:

Dear Sirs,

The enclosed doesn’t cover my requirements. Please send a larger model.

Yours etc.

By return post, he received a larger fig leaf. This also wasn’t suitable, so he sent it back with a covering letter as before.

This happened several times until he received their XXXXXXL model. Sadly he had to return it with the same covering letter.

Dear Sirs,

The enclosed doesn’t cover my requirements. Please send a larger model.

Yours etc.

By return of post he didn’t receive a fig leaf. Instead, he got this letter:

Dear Customer,

I’m very sorry to tell you that you have had the largest model possible; we even had to have it specially made. We have no more material left.

May we suggest you stick your requirements in your ear and go as a petrol pump?

Yours etc.

[MartinW]

I arranged a seminar on erectile disfunction.

It was a total flop and nobody came.

[MartinW]

I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159, then it just CLIX.

[Ambergnat]

A man named Bob was going to take a holiday in Mexico for a week, he wanted to experience true Mexican food so he went to a restaurant that was off the beaten path. He found a restaurant called Queso Fresco.

This was his first night there and upon sitting down, he noticed a plate at the next table that a young lady was eating, and what appeared to be two large meatballs on her plate.

When the waiter came to Bob’s table he asked the waiter what the lady was eating because it looked delicious, the waiter explained "That's El Nono, and it's served two to three times a week, it is bull testicles, quite a delicacy in this town".

"You see we have local bullfights near here, and when the bull is defeated and the Matador wins, the bull’s testicles are clipped and served the next day"

Bob explained that he was here for several days, and asked if there was there any chance he could get an order of it?

The waiter assured Bob that he would hold an order if he would like to come back in two days, Bob agreed.

He returned in two days and was served the El Nono. When Bob was finished the waiter came to take his plate and asked Bob what he thought of his meal?

Bob said "Oh it was delicious, but I noticed that size of my portion was quite a bit smaller than the ladies that I saw the other day. Why is that?"

The waiter smiled and said “You see, sometimes the bull wins...”