Author Topic: REALLY Bad Jokes (Read 170391 times)

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #1320 on:** November 24, 2022, 09:38:21 »

'I' before 'E' except after..........
'Old McDonald Had a Farm'

MartinW · « **Reply #1321 on:** November 24, 2022, 12:01:02 »

Old Mick Barbel had a breakfast, E I E I O.

kwackboy · « **Reply #1322 on:** November 24, 2022, 18:27:28 »

I lost a job at my local bank on my first day...!

A lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over....

2112 · « **Reply #1323 on:** November 25, 2022, 06:42:25 »

I was walking past the butchers yesterday and I saw the sign 'Turkey £29'. Amazing, that's over £300 less than TUI...

2112 · « **Reply #1324 on:** November 25, 2022, 06:43:30 »

I was staying at a hotel in London and asked the receptionist if I could have a wake up call. He said certainly sir, most people think you're a twat...

2112 · « **Reply #1325 on:** November 25, 2022, 06:46:37 »

I rang the Mrs on the way back home from work and said 'do you want me to pick up fish & chips on the way home'? She just mumbled down the phone.

I think she really regrets letting me name the twins...

2112 · « **Reply #1326 on:** November 25, 2022, 15:46:34 »

The Mrs texted me earlier to say she was in casualty. I watched all 50 mins of it and never saw her once. She still hasn't come home yet and I'm getting hungry...

kwackboy · « **Reply #1327 on:** November 25, 2022, 21:15:34 »

My mate used to be addicted to flashing his backside in public...

But that was many moons ago.

kwackboy · « **Reply #1328 on:** November 27, 2022, 10:28:35 »

I went to the doctors yesterday wearing creased clothes.

He says I have an iron deficiency.

MartinW · « **Reply #1329 on:** November 27, 2022, 11:55:39 »

I asked my Dad ..... "Can you explain a solar eclipse to me?"

He said ..... "No sun"

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #1330 on:** November 27, 2022, 15:08:15 »

I went to the doctors and told him I feel like a pair of curtains.
He said, "Pull yourself together."

2112 · « **Reply #1331 on:** November 27, 2022, 16:36:18 »

I ran to the doctors the other day, burst into his consultation room unannounced and said ' the domino club are sick of me always winning and have stuffed all the dominoes up my arse, you'll have to help me'. 'Don't you ever knock' replied the doctor...

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #1332 on:** November 27, 2022, 18:02:25 »

I went to the Doctors and said, "I think I'm a dog."
The Doctor said, "How long have you been thinking that?"
I said, "Ever since I was a puppy!"

Rusty Nuts · « **Reply #1333 on:** November 27, 2022, 18:33:50 »

Then they sent you to a shrink, who told you to lie on the couch? " I'm not allowed on furniture"?

Hugo Magnus · « **Reply #1334 on:** November 27, 2022, 20:56:55 »

I told the shrink I wanted his wife, he said "how low can you get ?". I said " chihuahua!".

kwackboy · « **Reply #1335 on:** November 27, 2022, 21:53:58 »

There’s a constant ticking sound in the street where I live…

I think it could be the neighbourhood watch.

kwackboy · « **Reply #1336 on:** November 27, 2022, 21:54:23 »

I’m only into female singers that had hits before 1983.

I’m a pre Madonna.

Joe Rocket · « **Reply #1337 on:** November 27, 2022, 22:15:47 »

My friend David had his ID stolen, now we just call him Dav.

Mr Nick · « **Reply #1338 on:** November 29, 2022, 16:03:41 »

I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today...at least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.

Mr Nick · « **Reply #1339 on:** November 30, 2022, 11:29:07 »

My 8 year old grandson was very proud to show me the phone he created with 2 metal cans and a string.
So I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's great, but look what kids your age in China can make."