Author Topic: REALLY Bad Jokes (Read 170169 times)

kwackboy · « **Reply #600 on:** August 02, 2020, 18:18:58 »

Just a quick word of warning:

Do NOT let supermarket staff take your temperature by scanning your forehead, it actually erases your memory. I went in Sainsbury's for lettuce, tomatoes and cucumber and ended up buying Chocolate, crisps and Vodka instead!

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #601 on:** August 06, 2020, 09:26:09 »

A man has today been convicted of the theft of 217 tractors over a period of 12 years.
Hector Windsock, 53, from Poole, described by police as a "One man crime wave", admitted to all the charges at the crown court today.
When asked by a young policeman what was the motivation behind his crime, he said:

"Massive urges, son."

tallpaul · « **Reply #602 on:** August 06, 2020, 12:30:34 »

I think a new "low" has been reached with that offering. Well done, Mick.

MartinW · « **Reply #603 on:** August 06, 2020, 18:12:43 »

To recognise that Mick's "joke" has been determined as a "new low" I have added an extra REALLY into his post title.

"v-strom.co.uk rewards committee"

kwackboy · « **Reply #604 on:** August 06, 2020, 18:28:55 »

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #605 on:** August 07, 2020, 09:12:36 »

Thanks Paul & Martin I feel honoured.

I'm glad I was able to set a new low standard and looking forward to seeing it bettered (or worsened?).

Mr Nick · « **Reply #606 on:** August 07, 2020, 10:00:00 »

Mrs Nick was feeling a bit frisky last night and told me to undress her with my words...so I said, 'I think there's a spider in your pants.'

Brockett · « **Reply #607 on:** August 07, 2020, 10:26:43 »

Brockett · « **Reply #608 on:** August 07, 2020, 14:42:15 »

It was so hot a male patient was delirious, telling everyone he is Gladys Pugh. The doctor diagnosed H I - de - hyration.

Mr Nick · « **Reply #609 on:** August 07, 2020, 15:44:34 »

How many V-strom members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
49 to post memes and gifs
19 to post that this thread is not about light bulbs and if they want to talk about like bulbs to start a thread on that topic
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.
44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or PM to an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

2112 · « **Reply #610 on:** August 07, 2020, 15:45:15 »

How does the moon cut his hair ?

Eclipse it..

2112 · « **Reply #611 on:** August 07, 2020, 15:46:39 »

I see they are looking for brickies to help rebuild Beirut. I enquired about the money, the day rate is good but the niterate is exceptional...

too soon ?

Mr Nick · « **Reply #612 on:** August 07, 2020, 17:07:49 »

I think the niterate was already very good but it went up in a big way recently.

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #613 on:** August 07, 2020, 17:09:08 »

2112.....I think you should have waited for the dust to settle!

2112 · « **Reply #614 on:** August 07, 2020, 22:13:16 »

I couldn't wait, it just blew me away...

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #615 on:** August 09, 2020, 09:50:20 »

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow.

kwackboy · « **Reply #616 on:** August 13, 2020, 08:05:02 »

With highs of 33° expected AGAIN today, it's time to ask "could the government have done more?" Downing Street knew about this heatwave weeks ago and have done nothing. Shipments of 400,000 pairs of Speedos and 500,000 bikinis, sun cream and Cornettos have reportedly been sent back as unsafe after media claims the shipment was quarantined a month ago and Boris did nothing.

Karen from Chavington said, "We just don't know if it's safe to go outside and sunbathe because we can't function or think for ourselves. Boris hasn't told us either way and all my obese kids need ice cream and sweets, the Hubby can't get out to rob anyone so we're out of lager and weed, I blame the government entirely"

Meanwhile, anti- heat protesters dressed in thick jumpers chanting "cold lives matter" have marched on London, Big Ben has been removed and a giant Mint Feast put in its place by protesters.

The BBC reported earlier, 'clearly the sun has come out and Downing street have done nothing to prevent it.'

A second heat Wave is expected to hit the UK in 4 weeks time .

Barbel Mick · « **Reply #617 on:** August 13, 2020, 10:54:59 »

Just been down to B&Q to buy myself a new bush trimmer for round the garden.
I was showing it to the neighbour and he said, "That looks really modern."
"I said, Yes it's cutting hedge technology."

Mr Nick · « **Reply #618 on:** August 13, 2020, 14:51:32 »

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle. Strange name but she tortoise well.

bladeowner · « **Reply #619 on:** August 15, 2020, 00:00:00 »

Btw blokes, I got the Russian vaccine for COVID19, and if you are scared that it wasn't tested, I tried it myself, and I'm happy to report that there is not whatsoever any side efectoski secundarioski и меня зовут Лопес Обрадор, и я коррумпирован и лжец и почему я даю чистые прямые награды