REALLY Bad Jokes

[Ambergnat]

A blonde walks into an electrical retailer and asks “How much for your TV set?”

The assistant says “Sorry madam we don't serve blonde's in this store.”

Angered the blonde heads for the hairdresser. “Dye my hair jet black.” She instructs the hairdresser. Once her hair is dyed black she heads back to the electrical retailer.

“How much for your TV set?” She asks a different store assistant.

“Sorry madam we don't serve blonde's in this store.”

“How do you know I'm blonde?” she asks

“Because that's not a TV set, it's a microwave."

[Ambergnat]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Luther, what exactly is your problem?”

Luther answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she           is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”

Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Luther to the principal's office. While he waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Luther was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Luther: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Luther: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Luther can go to the 3rd grade.”

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”

The principal and Luther both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Luther, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Luther replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Luther: “Pants.”

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Luther replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?”

Luther: “Shake hands.”

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”

Luther: "Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”

[Ambergnat]

A man walks into a Pub and sits down at the bar. Oddly, he has a foot tall man sitting on his shoulder.
The barman looks at that and shrugs. He asks the man what he wants to drink.
He says "I’ll have a beer". The barman sets a beer down in front of him.
The one foot man climbs down off the mans shoulder, kicks his beer over, climbs back up onto his shoulder and sits back down.
The barman decides to ask the man what's going on.
The man explains that he found a lamp by the side of the road, he picks it up, a genie pops out and grants the man 3 wishes.
The barman asks him what his wishes were.
The man replies, "I asked for a long and healthy life and to never have any financial problems."
"What was the third thing?" the barman asks.
The man says: "I asked for a 12 inch prick…."

[Barbel Mick]

I'm doing a project and it's about checking the moisture of the grass every morning for a month.

I'll let you know the results in dew course.

[Barbel Mick]

I was told if I looked up the word gullible, in the dictionary, it would have a picture of me next to it.

Yeah? Well who's laughing now, because I checked, and it doesn't!

[Rusty Nuts]

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[Brockett]

I'll keep an eye out for it.

[Rusty Nuts]

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[The Doctor 46]

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

[Ambergnat]

My bike had some kind of problem today.
So I looked around the engine and saw a Female Bat sitting in the Vee.
She said "Hello Sir, you are a handsome man and very nicely dressed too"
I could see the problem straight away!.....
Bat flattery.

[Joe Rocket]

A man goes to the Doctors and when he's in the surgery the Doctor says "What's the problem?"

The man replies "Everytime I fart it goes Honda" At that moment he breaks wind and sure enough it goes Honda.

"Tell me" says the Doctor "are you married?"

"Yes" the man replies.

"And is your wife away at the moment?" askes the Doctor.

"Yes, she's visiting her sister in New Zealand at the moment" he says.

"Well that's it" says the Doctor. "Absence makes the fart go Honda".

[MartinW]

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[The Doctor 46]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hello Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the bartender replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???"

[Ambergnat]

St. Peter was checking people into heaven and he was really tired. He’d been working nonstop. An old man was approaching and he knew this would take a long time. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jesus.

“Jesus, could you please help this gentleman? I am exhausted and I just need twenty minutes rest.”

“Of course, Peter. Take as long as you need.”

Jesus sat down with the old man and realised he had little memory left. So Jesus would ask the old man pertinent questions to try to determine who he was.

“Old man. Do you remember, think hard, what you did for a living?”

The old man thought hard and suddenly a light went on in his eyes.

“Yes! I worked with my hands, I worked with wood.”

“Good.”, said Jesus. “You were a carpenter.”

“Do you recall if you had children? A son or a daughter?”

The old man thought really hard again and suddenly there was the light.

“Yes! I had a son. People told me he wasn’t really my son. Oh, but I loved him! He was my son!”

Wondering who this old man could be, Jesus thinks of a final question.

“Old man. Was there anything unusual about your son? Something that would have made him stand out in a crowd?”

The old man thought very hard again and again there was the light.

“Yes! He had holes in his hands and his feet!”

Well, that did it! Jesus could no longer contain himself. He jumped from his seat, scooped the old man up in his arms and said: “Father!”

And the old man said: “Pinocchio!”

[Ambergnat]

The world's richest man is dying. He's made peace with that. But what bothers him is no one in the afterlife will even know it.

Here he's a self-made man who created this huge fortune from scratch, but he can't take it with him. Not that he could spend it, of course, but just to SHOW everyone what a great success the poor boy had become.

He broods over this so that his guardian angel is worried. One night the angel flies to Heaven to consult Jesus. Jesus says “Well, you know earthly wealth has no place here"

The angel replies “I know Lord, but he's been such a good man. Did a lot for charity ,ran his business honestly. He's only human. He can't help having this little quirk. Isn't there something we can do to ease his mind?

Jesus thinks a moment. “”All right. Let's look him up in the Book of Life" The Book is like a film of this man's life and seeing his struggles , Jesus is moved.

He tells the guardian angel “Wake him and tell him I will allow him to bring one suitcase - only one, mind you. And he can fill it with whatever wealth he chooses. At the moment he of his death it will be brought to heaven with him.”

The angel goes down and gives the message .The bloke is happy but what should he bring? Our money would mean nothing to people from another time, jewels could be faked, stocks and bonds could not be traded so they'd be so much paper. Finally it dawn's on him . Gold. Gold has been valued throughout history.

He sends out for the biggest suitcase he can find, fills it with gold bars, and sets it beside his bed. Now he can die in peace, and he does.

True to the promise he arrives at the Pearly Gates, suitcase in hand. St. Peter greets him warmly and says “All right. Let's see what was so important to you that eternal life and bliss wasn't enough"

The man proudly opens the suitcase, stuffed with row after row of little gold bars.

St. Peter stares at it, puzzled, and says “You brought pavement?”

[MartinW]

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[nigel s]

They got the distances round the wrong way maybe.
 Not a funny article , so I hummed and harred about posting this here...but it is slightly  interesting.....if only for the cool as Feck gun, and that jacket the shooter is wearing?

Ho Hum

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20240731-the-sports-where-women-outperform-men

[Rusty Nuts]

Re: the run, shouldn't there be a 7.5k as well, for the Sam Smiths?

[nigel s]

Who?

Sam Smiths............that's  a beer ....no?

Ho Hum

[Ambergnat]

A British bloke named Charles Oscar Jones moved to Spain.

He kept telling his friends what an amazingly happy man his postman was, always with a smile on his face as he delivered the bloke’s letters, if not actually laughing out loud.

This went on for some months, until the bloke finally learned what the Spanish word COJONES means.