Suzuki V-Strom (VStrom) Owners Club DL250, DL650, DL1000 & DL1050
Other Stuff => The Blue Oyster bar => Humour => Topic started by: Mick_P on August 06, 2014, 19:38:14
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Just wondering if members know any REALLY bad jokes. No dirty or racist jokes and no defamatory jokes either please.
Here's a starter.
A duck was waiting at the kerb to cross the road, when a dog came up and said 'I wouldn't do that if I were you. A chicken crossed here once and they've never shut up about it.'
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What's red and invisible ?
No tomatoes...
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Now who's been raiding the Christmas crackers?!
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Two blondes walk into a building... you would have thought one of them would have seen it!
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What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
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Guess who I bumped into at specsavers? Feckin' everyone!
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What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Herd (!) that one before...
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What's Algebra?
It's a zebra that bites like a cobra.
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What do you call a man with jelly in one ear and sponge in the other ?
A trifle deaf !
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Ryan Air, Easy Jet, Thompson, monarch ..... :grin:
Oh and........BMW
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How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool!
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Doesn't quite work on here.
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Yes, that anti-septic thingy kills everything!
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Two tomatoes were crossing a road. The first tomato was nearly smashed by a car , but jumped back in the last second.
The other said:
See what you did! You just fecked up a good joke!
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An Ice Cream man was found dead on the floor of his van covered with Hundreds and Thousands. Police say that he topped himself...
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In the Optician's Window...... Two monocles making a spectacle of themselves.
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Somebody complemented me on my driving the other day, they left a note on my windscreen which said "Parking Fine", which I thought was nice of them...
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I stopped a large gentleman covered in tattoos the other day to ask for directions.
"what's the quickest way to get to the hospital mate" I said.
"Call me a twat" he replied....
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A very rich, very small man went on trial in a foreign land for bribery. Part way through the trial, he gave £60 million to, er, somebody. The trial went away.
....Oh, hang on, that appears to be true.
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Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?
Becasue one Oeuf is enough....... :animals-chickencatch:
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MUST BE READ IN NORN IRISH ACCENT
Two ducks on a pond in Ireland
One duck says "Quack"
The other says
"I'm going as quack as I can"
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What does a Blackpool donkey get for its dinner?
About fifteen minutes.
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(https://scontent-b-cdg.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1.0-9/p526x296/1000874_10153755937695335_87969676_n.jpg)
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A mate of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli, a strong currant pulled him in...
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In the optician's window ( again )
"If you can't see what you're looking for you've come to the right place."
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a lad goes into a chippie says "can I have chips and a steak and kidd el eye pudding" "you mean steak and kidney" says the fryer "that's what I said Diddle eye" says the lad...
Same lad a week later goes into chippie at closing time " have you got plenty chips left?" "yes" says the fryer, "how many do you want?" "None said the lad, looks like you cooked too many"
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one
called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a
shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin
turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being
eaten by his old mate.
Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away
whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious
fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be
changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn
cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's
abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on
the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed........."
(You're going to love
this.....)
"I've found Cod and I'm a Prawn again Christian."
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That beats all. Please can a mod lock this thread now...PLEASE!
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Paramedics attend a nasty accident, involving a sports car,
When they see the driver, screaming in pain, they tell him to calm down, as at least he wasn't flung thro the windscrean like his girlfriend.
He screams back..
"Have you seen what's in her mouth?"
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"I've found Cod and I'm a Prawn again Christian."
That is an absolute classic. Very well done!
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What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
'Here come the elephants.'
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs swimming?
Bob.
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs swimming?
Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who has just swum the Channel?
Clever Dick.
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God told Daniel, 'Come forth and win eternal life'.
Well he came 5th and won a toaster instead
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Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A. Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
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Q. Why did the Irisman refuse to be a Jehovas Witness?
A. Because he didn't see the accident ...
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Q. Where is an elephants sex organ?
A. In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fooked!
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Q. Why does Samantha always get on top?
A. Because David can only feck up.
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Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A?
A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
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Prof, please put the crackers back in the box until tomorrow... lol
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Crackers have been opened so here goes:
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
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Why do vampires believe everything you tell them?
Because they're suckers!
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What's at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
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Q) What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A) If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
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Q) What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A) Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
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What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?
Reg
What does his brother call him?
R reg
:haha:
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Shocking. Come back prof, all is forgiven! lol
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:eusa-snooty:
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The motivational speaker asked me what percentage of my goals have I achieved? I replied 50%
He asked me how do I know it was 50%? How did I measure my success?
'I wished for a filthy rich woman. I got a filthy woman', I replied
:groan:
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A twin seater helicopter crashed in an Irish cemetry.
So far the brave rescuers have recovered 385 bodies.
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What's Brown and steamy and comes out of Cowes?
The Isle of Wight ferry
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Beethoven has died, and is buried in the local church graveyard.
A couple of days later, one of the ground staff is going past his grave and hears a funny noise. He listens for a bit but can't decide where it's coming from. A few days later he passes the grave again. This time the noise is louder and very obviously coming from Beethoven's grave. It sounds like music, but not like any he's heard before. Worried, he goes and gets the priest.
The priest listens carefully and tells groundsman not to worry it's just music playing in reverse. The groundsman looks confused and asks what the music is. The priest listens carefully and says that it's Beethoven's 6th Symphony. The groundsman then asks why it's happening.
The priest smiles and tells him that it's just Beethoven decomposing.....
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Now that joke really is in the right thread :)
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Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
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Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a well known six offender.
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When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
OK I'm gone...................
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If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn? :shrug:
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Is Felixstowe at the end of Felixfoot? :shrug:
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two peanuts to cross the road. One of them falls and the other shells to laugh.
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Dyslexic pimp, bought a warehouse full of cookers.
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Syslexic nympho: She likes to cook socks
:shrug:
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Why do witches ride broomsticks?
The lead on a vacuum cleaner isn't long enough.
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What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers.....
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I was riding along this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, That bloke is heading for a breakdown.
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"IS A DOLPHIN WHAT?!" - Hitler's wife answering the phone
I must be ill - I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window,
but it was actually a seabird. I think I've taken a tern for the wurst.
If people don't wish to discuss the cruel existential futility of all human endeavour
they shouldn't say Good Morning in the first place.
Somewhere in a multicultural household, Hebrew tea and Urdu washing.
Just bought some posh cheesey puffs from Waitrose. They're called Whatwhatwhatsits.
Wife: Do you fancy coming home at lunchtime for a quickie.
Me: It's pronounced Quiche.
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Watched a video on shipbuilding last night, it was riveting!
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Elephant Jokes:
Q: How many Elephants can you fin in a mini?
A: 4... 2 in the front & 2 in the back.
Q: How can you tell if you've had elephants in the fridge?
A: Footprints in the Butter.
Q: What do you do if you see 1000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: Swim for it.
Q: How can you tell if Elephants have been making love in the back garden?
A: The grass is all flattened and the dustbin liner's missing...
... That's all folks :)
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I read a magazine about adhesives yesterday. I couldn't put it down!
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I bet you were stuck on a few words :shy:
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My flatmate has got multicoloured knives which have "Slice", "Dice" and "Chop" written on them.
I always wondered if they were any good.
Got the answer yesterday when the "Chop" knife only managed to slice her finger.
:groan:
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Have you heard of the cannibals who were very sick? They sent for a witch doctor from the neighbouring village. He couldn't figure out what was wrong, so he said, "You have a lot of gastero-intestinal discomfort. What have you been eating?"
They said, "Just the usual -- anyone we can catch, including that Catholic missionary a few days ago?"
"What Catholic missionary?"
"Oh, you know -- a bloke with a brown robe and the crown of his head shaved."
And the witch doctor asked, "How did you cook him?"
"The usual way, broiled him."
"YOU DUMMIES, that was a friar, not a broiler!"
:groan:
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A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into screams, with the women grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
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A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mummy, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
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While creating wives, God promised men that good and ideal wives would be found in all corners of the world.........
......then He made the earth round,and laughed and laughed and laughed.
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Surely it should be,...........then SHE made the earth round, and laughed and laughed and laughed.
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How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it
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I do believe I'm turning into a cat.............don't ask meow!!
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A couple of oldies...
During the English class all the children were asked to make up story containing the word 'contagious'
The next week the teacher asked if anybody had remembered, and did they have a story for her.
Little Billy at the back of the class stuck his hand up and said 'Yes Miss, I've got one...'
'Go on then Billy' she said, 'tell us'
'Well miss', he said, 'My daddy and me were driving in his car the other day and this lorry full of melons drove past us reeeeally fast and cut us up so badly we almost went off the road and then went so fast round the corner it almost tipped over and all the melons fell out all over the place and as we drove past my daddy said "It'll take that contagious to get all those melons back in that lorry"... '
(for those of you who don't get it, think phonetics)
In assembly one Friday, the class were introduced to a new teacher.
'Good morning Class - My name's Mrs Franny and I'm your new teacher. I know it's an unusual name and difficult to remember so, If anyone can remember my name on Monday Morning they'll get a sweet'
Well, little Billy wasn't going to forget that - Free sweets! - Challenge Accepted! But he knew he was really bad with names so he tried to think of an easy way he could remember her name.
'Mrs Franny...hmmm - that's Fanny with an 'r'...I can remember that easy!'
So he set about remembering her name - turning it into a mantra
All through Maths... 'Fanny with an 'r' - Fanny with an 'r' and Geography, and even in Games in the afternoon he didn't forget...'Fanny with an 'r - Fanny with an 'r'
All the way home on the bus ...Fanny with an 'r' - Fanny with an 'r'
All through homework, and During tea...Fanny with an 'r' - Fanny with an 'r'
When he awoke for football Saturday Morning...Fanny with an 'r' - Fanny with an 'r' - and the cinema in the afternoon (very quietly to himself) ...Fanny with an 'r' - Fanny with an 'r'
Sunday Morning in Church - he whispered to himself...Fanny with an 'r' - Fanny with an 'r'
Went to sleep Sunday Evening muttering...Fanny with an 'r' - Fanny with an 'r'
Monday Morning Arrives and he's remembered it!...
Gets into school, bursting with pride, knowing he'd done it. Assembly starts and the new teacher asks, 'Did anybody remember my name?' and little Billy's hand immediately shoots up, and he's almost bouncing in his seat he's so desperate to get attention.
'Me, miss - Me, pick me Miss, I remembered 'specially Miss...'
Now the teacher had been warned about Billy and his antics, but he looked so earnest, so innocent...so she says, 'OK Billy - what's My Name?'
'It's Mrs Crunt!'
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Two blondes walking along the opposite sides of a river.
First blonde shouts, 'yooohoooo'
The other replies, 'coooeeeeee'
First blonde asks' 'How do you get to the other side of the river?' to which the other replies, 'you aare on the other side'
:groan:
I'll get my coat :auto-dirtbike:
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Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take Your place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."
HRH is confused, so he just smiles and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who Immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit"
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I just came third in a sunbed competition...hmm,bronze-not bad...
:happy-sunny:
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Ikea have renamed their Flat-Pack range 'Suppository Furniture'
because you put it up yourself
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A woman decides she'd like a parrot for a pet, one that talks. She goes to the pet shop and sees a parrot that knows 10 words for £500, a parrot that knows 30 words for £1000, and a parrot that can hold a conversation for 20 quid. Why only 20 quid, she asks the assistant?, "Because it has lived in a brothel and has a real potty mouth, and is too damn clever for its own good". She decides she's broad minded enough to cope and buys the 20 quid parrot.
When she gets it home she uncovers the cage and the parrot straightens up, looks round and says, "Nice gaff, very posh, get better customers here, like it, like it!"
Half an hour later the eldest daughter comes home " New girl, nice tits on that one, like it, like it!"
Another half hour later the younger daughter comes home, "New girl, what an arse on that one, good for business, like it, like it!"
Another 30 minutes go by and the womans husband comes home. The parrot takes one look at him and says, "Hiya Keith, how you doing mate?"
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Man walks into a pub with his pet giraffe.
Giraffe downs a few pints, falls over and passes out.
Barman says "you can't leave that lying there"
Man says "its not a lion, its a giraffe"
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How can you spot an Irishman on an oil rig?
He's the only one throwing bread to the helicopters.
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Apple have abandoned plans to build cruise liners after their prototype "The iTanic" kept syncing whenever it docked...
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Superman is flying through Metropolis when he sees Wonder Woman lying in the grass in the park, stark naked with her legs open. He thinks if he drops down at supersonic speed and gives her a quick one she'll never know who it was. So down he goes, has a lightening shag and then zooms off again.
"What the hell was that", cries Wonder woman.
"I Don't know, but my arse is killing me", says the Invisible man.
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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a bloke who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing bloke."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some bloke then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Ryan. He died. I'm married to his widow."
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A man with a history of mental illness assaulted 2 women in a launderette, but ran away before police could apprehend him
Newspaper headline read: Nut Screws Washers & Bolts
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When our plane landed at Paris,I was behind Angela Merkel when the customs officer asked "Occupation?"
"No. Just on holiday,this time".
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Prof, you're on fire! :) :thumb:
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The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in. I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock.”
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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"What do we want?"
"More Acronyms!"
"When do we want them?"
"ASAP!"
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lol
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Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona, embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
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Oi,
I'm always careful when I shag and whip Fiona. I just forgot to wash the aerial in my excitement.
lol
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Just had an email back from Screw Fix ...
Apparently they are not a dating agency.
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(http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/04/22/f3fc32c5b90cd93a209432ab59cc2a20.jpg)
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I've been sacked from my job as a Dermatologist.......................
I got my E45 in the post this morning!
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Superman is flying through Metropolis when he sees Wonder Woman lying in the grass in the park, stark naked with her legs open. He thinks if he drops down at supersonic speed and gives her a quick one she'll never know who it was. So down he goes, has a lightening shag and then zooms off again.
"What the hell was that", cries Wonder woman.
"I Don't know, but my arse is killing me", says the Invisible man.
Just reading through this thread while bored rigid in a hospital waiting room and this one made me laugh so loudly that everyone is now either staring or edging away from me. Please come to the June bash, Prof, I need to buy you a drink ^^
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My wife has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh.
If I put my ear to it I swear I can smell the ocean.
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How can you spot an Irishman on an oil rig?
He's the only one throwing bread to the helicopters.
How do you know that the pilots are scottish?
They're diving for the crumbs...
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A ship carrying a load of yo-yo's has been lost in the Atlantic. A nearby ship said it sank 34 times before finally going down.....
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"What Do We Want?"
"A Cure For Tourettes!"
"When Do We Want It?"
"C*nt!"
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How can you tell if there are 2 elephants in the fridge?
You can hear them talking
How can you tell if there are three elephants in the fridge?
You can't shut the door
What did the man say when he saw 1000 elephants coming over the hill?
Run, here come the elephants.
What did the man say when he saw 1000 elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill?
Nothing, he did not recognise them
How can you tell if there are four elephants in the fridge?
There is a mini in the kitchen
How do elephants hide in cherry trees?
The paint their balls red
Have you seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Shows it works then
What is the loudest sound in the world?
Giraffes eating cherries.
I'll stop now.
<!-- s:ty: -->:ty:<!-- s:ty: -->
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Heard about the midget fortune teller who murdered his clients?
He's a small medium at large
:groan:
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What is Jackie Chan's favourite drink?
Wataaaaah!
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How do you kill vegetarian vampires?
With a steak to the heart
:groan:
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Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
Because he was on a roll.
(like me :grin: )
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Cheers dolly3900! That put a smile on my face!
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Two Spanish detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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A small fire was put out today in a Spanish resort by two local firemen, Jose and his brother Hose B...
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Cheers dolly3900! That put a smile on my face!
+1 - Me too! Cheers Dolly, I knew that there were more elephant jokes hiding out there somewhere. :)
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Farmer grows first ever field of lady’s toys. He’s now having a problem with squatters.
Had to share this, came up on my Twitter. All credit to Keith Chegwin. And blame.
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lol lol
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Darth Vader when, being passed by a DL recently was heard to remark
"The force is Strom with that one".....
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There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his trousers.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her habit up can run faster than man with his trousers down
:groan: I'll get my coat
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I read that to the bitter end! *facepalm*
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You really need to get a life <!-- s:neen: -->:neen:<!-- s:neen: -->
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I've got one. It's just shite, that's all...
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What do Chiropodists have for breakfast?
Corn Flakes
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When Marvin Gaye (RIP) had made a bit of money from his music he decided that a ranch in california would be nice.
He bought a large ranch and put a few hundred cows on it.
One day those cows managed to escape and while Marvin was trying to round them up they ran through a neighbours vinyard causing a lot of damage. The owner of the vinyard called the police who arrested Marvin and charged him with.......................
herding through the grapevine!!
For those too young to remember this classic!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPnZZTVp_2A
-
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
So every day, I go along the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I plan to do later.
I give them pictures of my family, my cat, plus me gardening and spending time in my garage.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
AND IT WORKS! ...
I already have 3 people following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
-
A man went to a zoo, there was only one animal.
It was a shih tzu.
(Nicked from ADV)
-
I was asked to run a Marathon,
I said, "no way".
They said 'come on, please, it's for spastics and blind children'.
So I thought, feck it, I could win this".
-
I asked the man in the music shop if I could see their littlest oboe and he said "maybe tomorrow".
-
What do you call a dog with no legs ?
Anything you like it still won't come
-
Call it woodbine. You can take it for a drag...
-
Following the death of Christopher Lee. The Telegraph has commissioned a poll about the greatest actor ever to play Dracula, However the winner will not be appearing in The Mirror or in The Sun if it is out that day.
-
A fellow walks into a wedding reception. He goes up to the barman and asks, "Is this the punch line?"
-
What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler with a Collie?
A dog who bites off your arm and then goes to get help.
-
What is the difference between the Yeti and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of the Yeti.
-
An invisible man and an invisible woman got married.
Their children were nothing to look at either.
-
Q: Why doesn't the law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because the law says you cannot be punished twice for the same offence
-
I really like going to work and I love coming home from work.
It's the time in between that I hate
-
A gang of default computer fonts walk into a pub; "Get out of my establishment!" shouts the barman. "We don't serve your type in here.
-
I went to buy a second hand car today. I asked 'what's it like on diesel?'
He said 'it skids all over the place'
-
I was asked to run a Marathon,
I said, "no way".
They said 'come on, please, it's for spastics and blind children'.
So I thought, feck it, I could win this".
PMSL :haha:
-
What do the French call The Hunger Games?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
-
CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal.
Except Winter and Summer.
And Autumn.
-
Wife with PMT says to husband - "do you want anything to eat"
Husband replies - "what are the choices"
wife says - "YES OR F*****G NO"
-
In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using a length of sheep's intestine.
In 1873 the English refined the idea somewhat by removing the intestine from the sheep first.
-
lol- I nearly wet meself!
I was going to say that:
What do the French call The Hunger Games?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Was actually rather clever, but I'm still too busy giggling...
-
When Madonna moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.
She is now an unmarried single mother with 3 kids by 3 different fathers.
Job done, then.
:)
-
Ha ha ha!!!! Stolen!
-
My neighbour knocked at my door at 3am this morning! Can you believe it? 3am :shock:
Luckily, I was still up playing my drums !
-
A fellow was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The fellow says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
-
Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
-
I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out. While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!" :shock:
-
Prof - I nearly moved this last joke to the "Trip Reports" section as I believe it is autobiographical.
:neen:
-
May have been posted before but here goes:
Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hello, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.
-
Prof - I nearly moved this last joke to the "Trip Reports" section as I believe it is autobiographical.
:neen:
:grin:
-
What's the difference between a Hippo & a Zippo?
One's big & heavy.................the other is a little lighter!
-
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a perfect inexpensive vibrator
-
What do you get when you cross a hyena with an oxo cube?
A laughing stock
:whistle:
-
We've been neighbours for over 6 years.
When you borrowed my leaf blower, you returned it in pieces.
When I was sick, you hosted a 3-day, 24 hours a day, thrash metal revivial party.
When your dog decorated my front lawn, leaving dead patches of grass, you laughed.
When your kids rode past my car while pretending to joust and scratched all the way down the side, you gave me the number of your brother the builder so I could have my driveway extended.
I could go on, but I'm not one to hold a grudge.
So I'm writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire...
-
That's too good for REALLY bad jokes.
-
Why do ghosts love elevators?
Because they lift their spirits!
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?
I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants
bye
-
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar.
The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
Who's the king of the classroom?
The Ruler!
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
Because he was too far out!
tata :groan:
-
You will NOT believe what just happened. I walked into Morrison's garage to get myself a drink, when I noticed 2 policemen watching some fella SMOKING while filling up with petrol. I looked at this bloke and thought he doesn't have any common sense at all or care about his own life or the lives of others around him and he was stupid for filling up with fuel and smoking at the same time AND with the Police right there too!????
Anyway, I went in and got my drink and as I was paying, I heard someone screaming so looked outside and the fellas arm was on fire ????
He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy. I ran outside and the Police had put him on the ground and were putting the fire out with their coffees!! YES, THEIR COFFEES ☕️ then they put handcuffs on him and threw him in the police car.
I was thinking he shouldn't have been smoking near the pump while getting petrol, but being the nosey person that I am...I asked the Police what they were arresting him for?
The Policeman looked at me and said "WAVING A FIREARM"
-
:shock: :shock: :shock:
:clap:
-
In the doctor's the other day when three women came in each with their daughter in tow.
The doctor came in and straight away said
" I know what's wrong with you Mrs Smith, you drink too much, drinking, drinking, morning, noon and night ... you even called your daughter Sherry"
He turned to another saying,
"As for you Mrs Jones, you smoke too much, always smoking morning, noon and night. You even called your daughter Virginia."
Hearing this the third woman grabbed her daughter and made for the door saying. "Come on Fanny I'm not staying here to be insulted."
-
A man was savagely attacked at The Teddy Bear's Picnic.... His condition is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet.
(Back to good old bad jokes then...........)
-
:thumb: I laughed out loud at that!! :crazy:
-
Scientist have identified a leading cause of Dry Skin.
Towels.
-
Why do Blond nurses carry a red pen? So they can draw blood.
-
My health was deteriorating. So I went to the doctors. He gave me rather bad news.
The diagnosis was ‘Tom Jones Syndrome’,
I said “I’d never heard of it” and asked “Is it rare”,
His reply “It’s Not Unusual” !!!
**************************************************
I just sold my Dusty Springfield vinyl collection.
Now I just don't know what to do with my shelf.....
**************************************************
I thought I heard a song by The Temptations on the radio this morning……………
but it was just my imagination…………..
**************************************************
I was attacked by a group of mime artists.
They did unspeakable things to me.
-
That last one was particularly groan-worthy, BM. :roll:
-
How can you tell when the bar maid is angry?
There's a string in your bloody mary.
-
:shock: x 99
-
Looking round t'internet this evening I found a new web page, 'conjunctivitis.com'.........................
I can tell you, it's a site for sore eyes!!
-
lol lol lol
-
lol lol lol you're on it today Mick. :thumb:
-
A snail wanted to go faster so he took his shell off...... It didn't work though, it made him more sluggish!
-
:groan: lol
-
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Too Many Cheetahs
-
:lala:
-
:thumb:
-
Bumped into my old girlfriend this morning, wasn't till she got out of the car that I realised.
-
What do you call a girl with one leg on either side of the river?
Brigitte
-
Just been told that Ken Dodd has died at the age of 90
I said
Did he man !
-
:groan:
I bet his funeral runs on for hours!
-
After the tax fiasco, he got 2 new diddy men -
Diddy Pay and Diddy feck
-
.
-
........
-
My GP, "Don't eat anything fatty"
Me, "What like sausages and bacon?"
My GP, No Fatty. Don't eat anything!"
:groan:
-
Q How do you know when a man/woman from (insert name of town) has had an orgasm ?
A He/she drops his/her chips/kebab/burger etc...
This is the polite and 'inclusive' version.....
-
The inventor of the jug died today.
Tributes have been pouring in.
*************************************
I didn't realise that removing my doorbell would have should a knock on effect.
*************************************
The future's not what it used to be.
-
I hear there's a new Elbow tribute band called Arse.
They're so good you can't tell one from the other.
*********************************************
It's great to hear Lion King FC have had a good stert to their season.........
..... a win away, a win away, a win away.
********************************************
This season I've started playing football for a team called 'The Musketeers'.
We're doing really well so far, winning three & drawing one..........
All 4-1 & one 4 all.
*************************************************
I've just found out that if you say gullible REALLY SLOWLY,
it sounds like oranges!
-
Pupils at an Ipswich school were concerned that the fifteen year old asylum seeker in their class was in fact about thirty. Investigations found they were right. What first alerted them was his ability to count up to twenty without having to remove his shoes when all they could manage was twelve.
-
:)
-
.
-
One of the grandsons had a birthday yesterday and got a 'joke' book as a present. Kids jokes of course and most are too bad, even for this section, but one did stand out..........
What's brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethovens last movement.
-
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.
"What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure, I think she choked.'
-
lol
-
lol
-
lol lol lol
-
lol lol
-
as a child I asked my parents for a skateboard, they said no.... I said I have to have a skateboard,, they said no way.. Did I give up ??? no way!! I went to the shed, got a piece of wood,, shaped it and then used it to beat my parents to death....Both of my foster parents bought me skateboards.
-
KidsWriteJokes
Genuinely written by kids
Q what did the cookie say to the doctor?
I can't walk
_________________________________________________________
there was a cop who liked to eat cheese and his friend saw him
what was the name they gave him?
cheesecop
_____________________________________________________________
once there was a chicken he went to a shop and wanted to poo.
then he pooed on the floor and went to the till to pay for his poo and the man started to shout and the chicken pooed on his head.
_____________________________________
Who is the biggest man?
No one you are all the same size
________________________________________________
knock-knock
who's there?
frend
I don't have one
___________________________________________
What name do you give to someone that constantly eats paper?
NATASHA.
________________________________________
(the thread IS REALLY bad jokes!)
-
...and those take the biscuit (even if it can't walk)!
-
.
-
:groan: lol
-
Yep, that qualifies :groan:
-
That's a really Bold joke there Kwackboy. Did you Surf the Web for that one?
-
I thought is was fairy good . :groan:
-
Her mistake realy,a flight of fancy....
The joke was a little soapy, but at least it was clean....
-
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my back hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a blonde?" "Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
-
lol
-
lol
-
lol
-
lol
-
Very true ..
-
*You're...*
Still funny though!
-
Butchers and their sense of humour......
There was a butcher just down the road from a hospital where a very famous Northern Ireland footballer was having a transplant. His sign read "Best liver on sale"
-
I've left my cross eyed wife because I'm sure she was seeing another bloke on the side.
-
Kid - "Dad, can we have a Cat for Christmas"
Dad - "No, we will have Turkey like everyone else"
-
I can't believe how rude the suppository help line is!!
-
I'm releasing a Christmas single this year. The title will be 'Duvet know it's Christmas'
It's a cover version.
-
I've started dating this girl who works at the zoo.
My mum is keen on her too and thinks she's a keeper...
No, I haven't opened the Christmas crackers early!! :grin:
-
nice one :thumb:
-
Robber points gun - " give me all your money"
Victim with hands raised - " but I'm a politician"
Robber keeps gun pointed - " well give me all of my money".
-
What do you call a old snowman
A puddle :lala:
-
.
-
New words to an old song ...... Think Dean Martin ...
When an eel bites your thigh
and you bleed out and die
that's a Moray
-
lol lol
-
I know that song Brockett. I've done the Conga to it.
-
new contraceptive pill for men
you put it in your shoe
after a while
It makes you limp
-
.
-
lol
-
Viagra. It won't turn you into James Bond but it will make you roger more.
-
Tampax are replacing the string on their sanitary products with tinsel.
But only for the Christmas Period.
-
I've just seen this on facebook.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NS63wdNs1Wk
-
I'm opening an Elvis Presley themed steak house......................
It's for people who love meat tender.
-
I asked the wife what she would like for Christmas.
She said 'Id like nothing better than a diamond necklace'.
So, I'm buying her nothing!
-
I had to go home today and tell my wife I had been sacked for downloading porn on the works computer and causing everything to crash.
"That's a bit harsh isn't it?" She said.
I said, "They don't mess around at Air traffic control!"
-
Mick, were you cheating on the show us your tree thread by putting up your works tree? :icon_wink:
-
I bought the Mrs a new bag and belt for Xmas. The Hoover picks up a treat now.
-
@ wurzel, my tree is still in the loft 'till Monday!! :thumb:
-
:grin:
-
lol
-
:clap: :clap:
-
I ordered a Good King Wenceslas pizza from Dominoes last night,, it was Deep pan, crisp and even ...
-
Young lad gets a job on the yts, keen to prove, in a sex shop.
Come Friday the governor needs to go bank the takings, and the lad is keen to hold the fort for an hour...
After a while a little white lass comes in, wants a vibrator, got to be white and 4 inch long...no probs, £20
Next a big dark lass turns up, wants one in black and six inches long...no probs,£30.
Then a very big Scots lass rumbles in, and states, ' I want mine a foot long, 4 inches wide, and its got to be tartan'!
Our lad goes out the back, rummages around, returns and triumphantly presents her with one, for £50.
Governor returns and asks if the lad sold anything etc...he replied...
'Sold the 4 inch white one for £20, the black six Inch one for £30, and got £50 for your thermos flask!
-
:shrug:
-
.
-
Why is it just me putting jokes up ? Anyway I'm bored at work so how about this one ...
-
For you Kwackboy. I'll invite others to caption the last one in your honour :whistle:
-
I bet he's paid peanuts ... :fix:
-
...or bananas? Fat Rat posted it and he has form for fruit based payment plans.
-
They are all overpaid if you ask me :whistle:
-
I agree
-
Have a bonus Martin
-
Up in the belfry the bellringer stands,
Pulling his plonked with his grimey old hands,
Down in the pullpit the vicar yells,
"STOP PULLING Your PLOKER RING THEM F-ING BELLS..." :stirpot:
-
Just heard on the news,
There's been a very bad accident on the M4 between Swindon and Bristol.
Why can't they look where they are going!?
-
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Wasp Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Wasp Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."The expert throws off the headphones and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the 'B' side."
-
I can feel his frustration... :groan:
-
The site is really buzzing today.
-
That one droned on a bit...
-
I have unashamedly copied that onto my Brittany Bikers site where we have a 'Mr Bee's Jokes' section like this Really Bad Jokes thread here. (He, Mr Bee, thinks they're funny and turns them our repeatedly..........)
:groan: :dl_smiley_banghead: :roll: :violence-smack: :icon_exclaim: :GRR: :bawl:
-
It was like something from a "B" movie.
-
There will be a sting in the tail if this carries on.
-
Hive had enough, that's for sure.
-
A few to brighten your Monday morning. :grin:.......................
We used to have a teacher called Miss Turtle at school, strange looking woman,
but she tortoise well....
*************************
Hearing aid for sale.
Give me a shout if you're interested.
**************************
Do you know what I hate?
People who answer their own questions!
***************************
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down!
***************************
I went to a stationery shop and bought a book of 1000 raffle tickets for £1,
I thought this was a bargain cos they're usually a pound a strip.
****************************
I bought this pen because it writes underwater ...
although the biggest selling point for me was that it also writes thousands of other words as well.
****************************
My neighbours are holding a joint Chinese New Year & Burns Night Party,
They're calling it a Chinese Burns Party,
I wasn't going to go but they've Twisted my Arm
*****************************
-
The man who invented spell check died today............
May he rust in piss.
-
Can circumcisions be carried out at any age, or is there a cut-off date?
-
I heard that Mick. Very sad.
His funfair will be next Monkey at 11am
-
A 'topping' joke from Mick there, a cut above the rest.
:grin:
-
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fun bloke......
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
:grin:
-
The mushroom one made me laugh, but not for the right reasons!
-
Usual US filter at work TP. 'fun gi' :shy:
-
A comment on a youtube video discussing the quest for perpetual motion ......
"Its easy to get perpetual motion, just buy a smaller front tyre and roll downhill everywhere."
-
Why does a duck have feathers...?
To cover it's arse-quack!
-
Did you hear about the queer cowboy who rode into town and shot up the sherif... :eusa-doh:
-
I had two cups with pictures of Mel N Kim on them. I broke them washing up last night, now they're never going to be receptacles !!
-
lol lol
-
Brilliant Tusker have a like :thumb:
-
Did we ever find out what the Knights in White sat in?
-
Apparently you can fit 63 Earths in Uranus.
64 if you relax.
-
:shock:
-
Blimey, I must be a lightweight, even the doctors finger is enough for me.... :shrug:
-
He told you it was his finger.....
-
The missus was feeling a bit randy on Sunday morning. She snuggled up to me in bed and whispered " I want something that's 7 inches long, hard as a rock and full of spunk".
I reached under the bed and threw her one of my old socks.
-
lol but gross!
-
The clever blonde
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mum?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mummy, Mummy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, pet, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
-
I was at a local bar when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
-
:clap: it's that bad!! :thumb:
-
:groan: lol :clap: and I didn't see it coming
-
:text-goodpost: lol
-
@Gassoon maybe she'll keep an eye out for you
-
We're having a bit of trouble with our uncle Terry.
He thinks he's a Chocolate Orange...............
the Psychiatrist says he should be sectioned!
-
He told me he was a clockwork orange. I think it was a wind-up.
-
An oldie from Max Miller:
I like the girls who say they do and the girls who say they don't
I hate the girls that say they will and then they say they won't
But the girls that I best and I think you'll know I'm right,
are the girls who say they never will, but
look
as
though
they
might
-
I have been working with my Step-Ladder today.
I never knew my real Ladder.
-
Weight Loss Program.
A bloke calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular bloke standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week.
-
lol lol lol
-
lol lol lol
-
How does a Frenchman coax a bear out of a tree?
He says, “Camembert”
-
That's an old one. In fact it was fromages ago.
-
That's quite a gouda joke.
-
For the bear just a feta accompli.
-
I remember as a child my dad would put me inside a car tyre and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears.
-
I was driving through Wales when I saw a man on the edge of a field selling turnips, carrots, cabbages, paracetamol and and cough medicine. I said I get the vegatables but why are you selling paracetamol and cough medicine? He said
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
in a Welsh accent
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I'm a farmer see" .....
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:clap: lol
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nice one :thumb: lol
-
there's lovely
-
A man receives a text from his neighbour.
Bob, We’ve been neighbours for 30 years, and you couldn’t have been a better friend.
I am riddled with guilt, and have a confession to make. In recent years, I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night, when you’re not around. I don’t get it regularly at home, and your wife is far more satisfying than mine.
I have no excuse, except to promise that will never happen again, and I hope you can forgive me.
Bob is shocked, staring at his phone in disbelief, when he receives a second text.
Bloody spell check, I meant WiFi.
-
I think that's a really good joke and I'll be getting a petition up to move it to the 'OK, ordinary jokes' section as it deserves a giggle more than a groan........ lol lol lol
BTW that doesn't work with HIFI........... :whistle:
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A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.50, in the Bahamas it’s $3.00.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
-
My wife complains that I never buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
-
Reminds me of...
Husband 'Why don't you tell me when you're having an orgasm'
Wife 'Because you're not there'
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lol
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Kwack wear boxing gloves in bed
-
Paddy says to Mick " how did you get on at that faith healing group last night".?
Mick says " it was absolutely shite" , even the disable bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out ...
-
Was riding past the cash machine yesterday, was intrigued by a bloke standing at it on one leg so quickly turned round and asked " what are you doing?
"Just checking my balance" :thumb:
-
I have been setting up a new plumbing business.
It's taken a while but now, it's all cisterns go!
-
I've never been to a KFC..........
..........but it's on my bucket list. :eusa-doh:
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:groan:
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Martin, the joke should be applauded because it is a really BAD joke. Groaning at it means it shouldn't be here......no? lol
-
Fair Comment :grin:
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Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall?
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Color of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She actually went on my dirt bike...
Sergeant:
What kind of bike was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
It's a new 2019 Kawasaki KX450 in lime green with a Liquid-cooled, 4-stroke Single engine, 449 cm³ displacement, 96 x 62.1 mm Bore x stroke with Compression ratio of 12.5:1. DOHC 4 valve, Forced lubrication, semi‑dry sump. Front suspension; 49 mm inverted telescopic fork with adjustable compression and rebound damping. Rear; New Uni-Trak with adjustable dual-range (high/lowspeed). Front brakes are Single semi-floating 270 mm petal disc. Caliper: Dual-piston. Rear brakes are Single 250 mm petal disc. Caliper: Single-piston. 5-speed transmission, Primary Reduction Ratio of 2.727 (60/22). Wet multi-disc manual clutch. Perimeter, aluminum frame, 122 mm trail, 305mm front wheel travel, 307 for the rear. Front tyre: 80/100-21 51M and rear 120/80-19 63M. Steering angle, left / right 42° / 42° L x W x H 2,185 x 830 x 1,275 mm Wheelbase 1,485 mm Ground clearance 340 mm Fuel capacity 6.2 litres Seat height 955 mm Curb mass 110.0 kg... (continues to cry).
Sergeant:
Don't worry mate. We'll find your bike.
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They've decided to make an invisible airplane, I'm not sure it's a good idea..................... I can't see it taking off!
-
I had plans to move into a flat above a police station................but apparently nobody is above the law!
-
Despite going bald I've still got a comb I bought 30 years ago....................I just can't part with it!
-
I went to the doctor's complaining of hearing problems. The doctor said "can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homers a fat bastard and Marge has blue hair."
-
Do you know what you get for Breakfast at the Dignitas Clinic?
Cheerios.
-
I found a shop in town called Moderation...................
They had everything in there!
-
I'm a master forger.............................
and I've got all the certificates to prove it.
-
Congratulations to Hugh Zappritti Boyden, on his new role as chairman of the British Budgerigar Association.
-
I went to the pub dressed as a tennis ball last night.......................
I got served straight away!
-
I had a terrible fear of walking under Horse Chestnut Trees in the autumn...................
But after therapy I've managed to conquer it.
-
I've just won the most secretive person award 2019...................
I can't tell you how much it means to me.
-
Two chimps in a bath,
One goes "ooh ooh ohh ahh ahh ahh!"
The other one says "If it's too hot, run some bloody cold in!"
-
Caught the woman next door crying 'cause she'd run out of fabric conditioner.
Managed to offer her a small amount of comfort.
-
I told my doctor my ear was blocked.
He asked, "What ear is it?"
I said, "2019."
-
1, 2, 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock paper.
5, 6, 7 o'clock, 8 o'clock paper.
9, 10, 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock paper.
Bill Haley was so predictable that I beat him every time.
-
Sitting naked, drinking beer and telling terrible jokes to strangers has become a whole lot more fun since I've been on this forum.
-
lol lol turn your camera off lol lol lol
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Bloody hell, Mick, get a job, will you!
-
He's got a job. He is the chief editor of jokes at the Christmas cracker factory...
-
And he disposes of the rejects on here? Fly tipping.
-
The inventor of the USB Stick has died today.
Thanks for the memory.
-
The Mrs and I went to the chemist and she picked up these Olympic condoms. Gold, Silver and Bronze ones there was....
She picked up the silver ones and said "Why don't you try these and can come second for once!"
-
My uncle has just left me a stately home in his will. :happydance:
I've no idea where "sod hall" is but I'm pretty thrilled .. :dance:
-
What is the difference between popeye and Robert Maxwell?
Maxwell got to mount olive..... :groan:
-
"I come from a family of poor magicians.......
I have two half sisters......"
-
Lying in bed facing the wife I looked into her eyes and said, ‘looking at your face reminds me of the lottery’
With a beaming smile she asks, ‘What, I’m worth millions’
‘No, I wish you’d fu&@!ing roll over’
-
The wife has been missing nearly a week now, the police have said I should prepare myself for the worse, so I'm off to the charity shop to see if I can get all her clothes back.
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(http://www.tz-uk.com/pics/jim.jpg)
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:shock: lol
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The shocker is....he looks like Mick from Rocky!!
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(http://www.tz-uk.com/pics/ajax.jpg)
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X-mas party -
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A sign of the times...
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I just deleted your joke Ticker as it was a bit too much for this forum.
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No problem Martin. No offence intended :thumb:
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Now you've got my interest PM it me please Ticker. :thumb:
-
.
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(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171018/3c6b76d8834581fc86cadf8e32b67cc7.jpg)
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Was it unbridled passion, or just horsing around?
-
I'm sure he'd be saddled with some name calling!
-
The surgeon said it was a right mare to get them out.
-
The charge of the shite brigade?
-
this is bound to stirrup some media interest !!!
-
They can get them out using Donkey Hole Surgery.
-
He Ascot to have surgery on his Donkey.,and a course of antibitrotics.
-
I did type a.s.s, but the mod filter made his operation in a rather different part of his body. :icon_exclaim:
-
lol
-
I'm starting to feel sorry for the poor soldier after that, thank god the NHS is not run by Fat Rat.... :icon_twisted:
-
A dose of the trots should shift them...
-
lol
-
If they went in backwards then it will be Red Rum getting them out again.
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(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190924/7fa5dc3b8c39a27fc38cffeefbb9ac63.jpg)
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If you've never tried blindfolded archery.....................................
you don't know what you're missing!
-
Did you know that 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not happy.
-
Bad news for all you dyslexics out there.
On the 28th October your cocks go black . :shock:
-
They've just opened a new restaurant in town, it's called Karma.
There's no menu, you get what you deserve.
-
Some people say that selling meat is disgusting, but I believe people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
-
I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned round, I thought I was on the voice
-
What's the difference between BSE and PMT.....?
One's mad cow disease and the other bugger is an agricultural problem.
-
They've just opened a new restaurant in town, it's called Karma.
There's no menu, you get what you deserve.
Yeah, but they don't do starters or mains.
Just desserts.
-
Very clever Rusty. Have your 400th like for that one.
-
I now identify as a can of deodorant and before you ask,
Yes I'm sure.
-
Just got back from the French, “Flicking a ruler on the edge of a table” championships....
It’s held every year in Dordogne
-
lol
Good one Mick. I've stolen this one :thumb:
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(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20191022/ffe3f782d25454fffce724ea16c1fdaf.jpg)
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“Flicking a ruler on the edge of a table” championships.... It’s held every year in Dordogne
That only works with a 305mm ruler, a 152.5mm just does "Dor....." (see what I did there?) :whistle:
-
I was shopping for a sofa, but every time I sat down it was a whoopee cushion .... last time I go to 'Joke Furniture Land'.
-
When I was in the pub lastnight I overheard a couple fellows saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an Aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!......
I couldn’t believe that in this day and age two blokes could be so sexist. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing is it!?
-
lol
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lol
-
lol
-
I thanked a Frenchman to death yesterday..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
it was a "merci" killing
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lol .........that's bad Tusker, well worthy of a place here!!!
-
’Enter new password‘
'chicken'
‘Password must contain a Capital‘
'chickenkiev'
-
I really don't like Russian dolls..........
They're so full of themselves!
-
Apologies in advance for this one ..
Happy Halloween .. :shy:
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Is that a pumpkin or a peach :whistle: :shy:
-
I saw this one.
-
lol
-
lol
-
lol
-
Just to keep the mood mature for Haloween...
-
These groceries are just gross.
-
Is it classed as incest if you pump kin?
-
Crabs. Are they addicted to prawnography.
-
I was walking to the shop yesterday, when a car pulls up beside me, wound down their window and lobbed a prawn cocktail right at me.......
And that's just for starters!!
When I came out the shop the same car pulls up and flings a block of cheese at me.
I shouted 'THAT'S MATURE!'
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(https://I.ibb.co/zhGszkQ/D9-C46200-C13-B-4049-9-F01-9-DB3-A57-CA254.jpg) (https://ibb.co/ccDJjmk)
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One from my 7 year old grand son this morning and I thought he did well getting it in today!
I took him up to the Remembrance Service in the Village this morning. I explained to him that we we're there to remember the soldiers and others who fought and died in the wars.
In the pub, after the service, the lad chirps in,
"Grandad, will you remember me in two minutes?"
" Of course Luke, I'll always remember you."
He smiles at me. And I'm thinking "lovely lad".
A few minutes later.........
"Grandad, knock, knock."
" Who's there? "
" See, you've forgotten me already! "
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Do you really think you are a comedian Mick? Well don't give up the day job.
Oh yeah ..... :shy:
-
Day job? What's one of them? :grin:
-
A day job is what a ten minute job was when I was young. :old:
-
Good news for all over weight people out there. Thanks to the new terminology craze being called fat is a thing of the past.
You can now label your as "trans-slender"
-
I was giving the missus a good old shag this morning. After ten minutes she says " haven't you finished yet"? I replied " I can't think of anybody".
I should get my eyesight back when the swelling goes down.
Nick.
-
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli, he was pulled in by a strong current ...
I'll get my coat ... :groan:
But before I go ... .
I was in the butcher's not long ago and while I was in there I bet him £50 he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
" He said no ... The steaks are too high "
:icon_wink:
-
My friend is half American and half North Korean.
He's his own worst enemy.
-
When I tell people I'm a star, they say: "You've got to be kidding."
"No," I say, "I'm Sirius."
-
My wife's always on at me, the latest moan was, she told me I have no sense of direction!!
I'd had enough, so I packed my bags and right.
-
I tried some viagra eye drops. Didn't do much for my virility but made me look hard.
-
A group of children with trying very hard to become accustomed to pre- school.
The biggest hurdle they faced with the teacher insisted on NO baby talk.
"You need to use "big people" words," she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana". No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
"Use "big people" words!"
She then asked Michael what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo!"
She said, "No, you to took a ride on a TRAIN."
You must remember to use "big people" words!"
She then asked little Alex what he'd done?
"I read a book" he replied.
That's wonderful! The teachers said.
"What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it,
Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
"Winnie the SHIT!"
-
I tried donating blood today and don't think I will bother again as they asked so many questions.
Who's blood is it?
Where did you get it?
Why is it in a bucket?
-
I just downloaded a pirate copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody film.
The quality is terrible.
I just see a little silhouette of a man.
-
a mate of mine got knocked down last week by a bloke in a hire car... I said how are you now ,, he said "it still hertz"
-
A dozen horses walk into a bar,
the bartender hold up his hands and says, no, no, no
no bridle parties allowed.
-
So the landlord was a neigh sayer?
-
The wife is really cross with me! She says I never get anything right at Christmas time.
Bah Pear Drops!
-
I was helping my granddaughter with her homework on famous Italian astronomers. Apparently Galileo was "just a poor boy from a poor family" is the wrong answer.
-
My doctor caught a viral infection from the door of his surgery.
He was furious...........flu off the handle!
-
Just got my first Xmas card! Opened it and rice went everywhere.
It was from my Uncle Ben😂😂🤣
-
GOOD DEED done for Xmas..!
I was in Aldi earlier and there was an elderly lady in front of me. Her basket came to £12.56 and when she counted her change it came to just under £11.
I told the lady not to worry and although she tried to stop me from helping her out I managed to get all of her shopping back on the shelves.
-
Marks And Spencers advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.
They're right too, it would be Chrita
-
Beekeeper.
Try spelling that out with the phonetic alphabet without getting a lot of echo.
-
Not sure what Chris Rea is going to do this year...................
just heard his car failed the MOT!
-
I guess he will be Walking in a Winter Wonderland.
-
Or dashing through the snow
-
Singing 'wish I was home for Christmas' ?
-
a road salting wagon nearly knocked me off my bike today,, " you IDIOT" I shouted through gritted teeth...
-
My missus says women are better at multitasking than men ... :roll:.
I told her to sit down and shut up ...
She couldn't manage either ... :shrug:
-
Not sure what Chris Rea is going to do this year...................
just heard his car failed the MOT!
It's OK he's got transport now..............
-
Can anyone tell me what delegate means....................
asking for a friend.
-
Don't register for Tesco's new dating service.
My mate did and he ended up with a bag for life.
-
That'll be a bag for one week, I believe. lol
-
Just ordered the wife's Christmas presents. Got her some perfume and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the perfume, she can go f*** herself!
-
:shrug:
-
Not so much a scam but I think I’m being ripped off by a local butcher.
They offered me 8 legs of Venison for £40.00 is that two deer?
:shrug:
-
My work Xmas do ended early for me :icon_no:.
The music was great, they played the twist, so I twisted,
they also played jump, so I jumped enthusiastically,
They then played Come on Eileen ...... :shy: :shy:.
Early night for me .. :bawl:
-
It's either that or Come On Over Valerie.
-
My Wife asked me to make her scream with one finger. So I poked her in the eye.
-
My wife was feeling randy this morning. She cuddled up to me and whispered "I want something 9 inches long, hard as a rock and full of spunk". I reached under the bed and threw her one of my old socks.
Nick.
-
Ineedsomeadviseplease.Doesanyoneknowwhatthatlongbaratthebottomofthekeyboardisfor?
-
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahano
-
Y E S
-
It's where astronauts go for a drink??
-
My wife was feeling randy this morning. She cuddled up to me and whispered "I want something 9 inches long, hard as a rock and full of spunk". I reached under the bed and threw her one of my old socks.
Nick.
But then she said "I was rather hoping for a black one". :shock:
-
I fell asleep on the sofa yesterday and when I woke up someone had put a teabag in my mouth.
I wasn't happy.
I hate being taken for a mug.
-
:)
-
Two old blokes sitting on a park bench discussing their past love lives.
One says , "when I was young I used get it every day" I loved it....
The other says " you lucky git, I used to get it once a month if I was lucky, it was called my Bruce Lee day "
"Bruce Lee day, Why was it called that..?"
It's was the night I "enter the dragon" ...
-
lol lol :clap: :clap:
-
Little Johnny come home from school glum - dad asks "What’s wrong"?
Lad says "I cocked up on my spelling lessons".
Dad asks "What did you get wrong"?
Lad says "I spelt Armageddon wrong"...............
Dad says "Never mind son it’s not the end of the world".
-
It seems like everyone else at the airport has better luggage than me.
I'm thinking it's a worst case scenario.
-
Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
No son!
-
On top form again, Mick!
-
Hi all, just to let you know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in.. :dl_smiley_banghead:
I have only gone and poisoned myself !! :crazy: What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb, they said I should be out sometime in the spring.... :haha:
-
Funny you mention that, I saw my first daffodil this morning. :lala:
-
It's only February and already there's little black disc in my garden. Is this a record?
-
That's early .... :shock:, brave daffodils ..
-
Beautiful, makes me feel as if Spring is just around the corner......
-
It is.........
-
lol :clap: :bow-blue:
That makes up for about two and a half of the really really bad ones!
-
Some people were probably trying to work out what that meant until they saw the filename of the picture :)
-
Cheers Rusty, two and a half? I'm honoured. :thumb:
Martin, yeah I should of not titled it like that, just let people work it out from Rusty's previous comment? :grin:
-
:shrug:
-
Determined is Barbel Mick. Only he could have staged that!
I would contest that it's a fake joke in that 'Spring is just around the corner' (the phrase is) and that you can't quite see it yet.
Therefore a really REALLY REALLY bad joke.
lol
-
I contend the joke is sound. The first party, making the joke to a third party who is standing along the wall at which position the spring is not visible. We, the observers, can see the spring because we are positioned away from the wall with a partial view of the item, in this case the spring that is just round the corner.
-
lol
Wrong I think Brockett! You will see the spring is infact in view even if you're standing further back away from the 'corner', at infinty even. It is clearly in front of, if not wholly, the brickwork. The phrase implies it will soon come into view (or arrive) by the phrase 'Spring is just around the corner'. Your conclusion would be correct if Barbel Mick had positioned it in the shadow totally. :whistle:
-
The Site rules are changing.
No mention of Animals, Children, Politics, Religion or Springs.
-
The new rule will make discussion of suspension set-ups tricky...
-
No bounce effect intended but I'm sure the club will regain the status quo Martin. :stirpot:
-
@ Joe Rocket, I'm really happy that you find it a REALLY, REALLY bad joke, that made my day, but the rest of the argument with yourself & Brocket, having just got back from the pub :obscene-drinkingchug: I'm afraid, lost me!! lol
-
Whose to say the spring isn't round the corner, on a corner :stirpot:
7 days of Brexit and war is threatening lol
-
Has anyone setup a Just Giving page for Gordon the Gopher?
-
The new rule will make discussion of suspension set-ups tricky...
You're right Geeza.
I was just trying to be Progressive and take a Leaf out of our Esteemed Leader Rat's policy of prohibiting certain topics of conversation. We need the forum to be Constant, but occasionally Variable too.
I realise this has caused some Tension for Spring Lovers and you are thinking to yourselves Cantilever alone instead of typing all this Gas?
I guess the silly jokes caused me to Coil up inside and I became highly Sprung. I will bounce back from this mistake.
-
Relax Martin, they're just talking a load of parabolics...
-
Poor old Zebedee. He's only half the man he used to be
-
Before you start popping Bubble Wrap, remember that the air in it came from China.
-
When my sister moved house she bought an enormous roll of the stuff.
"Where do you want this?" I asked.
"Just pop it over there in the corner."
Three feckin' hours, it took me.
-
Storm Ciara has blown the roof of our local cheese factory...............................
there's de brie everywhere!
-
Next Week is Diarrhoea Awareness Week.
Runs from Monday to Friday.
-
What's the three words you never want to hear while making love?
Honey, I'm home.... :icon_no:
-
I was looking over my Wife's shoulder when she was logging in to her bank account, and her password was just a series of asterisks. I didn't count them, but I'm sure after two or three attempts I'll be in there. Stupid cow.
-
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair. I've heard nothing since.
-
lol
-
The Christmas jumper my girlfriend gave me last year kept picking up static electricity. I took it back and exchanged it for another one – free of charge
-
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, what's his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
Because...he’s my newt
-
I just met a girl with really bad ezcema. She had a cracking pair of boobs.
-
Mr tickle was keen to marry the girl of his dreams, however his future wife "Tess" was reluctant to take his surname..!!
-
The man who developed the recipe for Boiled Eggs wrapped in Sausage Meat has died.
R.I.P Mr Scott Chegg.
-
The man who invented polyfilla has also passed away.
RIP Phil McAvity.
-
His best friend was Ben Doon............and the rest is a very old joke. lol
-
Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.
-
Going to try a new hobby out. Church bell ringing (Campanology)!
The team leader wants me to go down tomorrow evening so that he can show me the ropes.
-
I've been sacked from my job as a Dermatologist.........
I got my E45 in the post this morning.
-
Mick, don't make the rookie mistake of tying the bell rope round your todger. I did that,and got tolled off.
-
lol
-
.
-
The doctors just given me some anti gloating cream.........................
can't wait to rub it in.
-
A lorry full of Vicks Vaporub has overturned on the M25.
There was no congestion for the next eight hours.
-
I hate people who use the same word twice in a sentence. It's got to stop.
Enough is enough.
-
Greggs have announced plans to start a delivery service using drones.
All sounds a bit pie in the sky to me.
-
A work colleague couldn't make it to the innuendo seminar.
So I've had to fill her slot.
-
I'm trying to cut down on the sexual innuendo but it's hard - it's so hard.....
-
What do you call a magician without magic?
Ian
-
My wife asked me to make a bird table today.
I’m in all sorts of trouble now as she only came 4th!
-
A vegan pointed out to me that the selling of meat is disgusting. I pointed out the selling of fruit and veg is grocer.
-
The Devon and Cornwall music festival has been cancelled.
They couldn't agree who to put on first, The Jam or Cream.
-
Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
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.
-
...
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( and carpeted the ceiling)
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That's not carpet. He's been impaled on the artex.
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Yes, but he looks happy about it.
-
I just re-homed a Blacksmith's dog......
I hadn't had it home 30 minutes before the bugger made a bolt for the door.
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(https://I.postimg.cc/28yCjwsc/EB280-E6-B-D7-C9-4247-A6-CA-AB42555-EB911.jpg)
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I can't wait for the pubs to open .... :obscene-drinkingchug:
It'll give me a chance to cut down on my drinking .. :roll:
-
Congratulations to Hugh Zappritti-Boyden, on his appointment as chairman of the British Budgerigar Association.
-
The older I get all I need in life is Specsavers, boots and Gregg's.
Yep, life is all about specs, drugs and sausage rolls :grin:
-
lol
-
A man was who was told to cut down on his Sodium consumption has died.
His wife said "Unfortunately he took the doctors advice with a pinch of salt."
-
(https://I.imgur.com/x55tn1b.jpg)
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.
-
What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common...?
A black coat, a white collar and you've Got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one ..
TAXI ....👋
-
"What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?"
"I don't know, what is the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?"
"Well, I've never had a lentil in my face."
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.
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A mummy has recently been discovered in Egypt, embalmed in chocolate and nuts.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher...
I'll get my coat..... :grin:
-
:groan: that was suitably poor...
lol but that's a good thing!
-
I bought a chicken to make a sandwich.......
but all it does is shit on the floor!
-
Bloke walked into a pub wearing nothing but a set of jump leads around his neck.
The landlord looked at him and said "I don't want you starting anything in here!"
-
During sex, you burn as many calories as running 5 miles........
Hang on! Who the feck can run 5 miles in 30 seconds anyway?! :whistle:
-
Is that including foreplay .. :shrug:
-
100% Kwackboy, us Cornish boys don’t mess about :grin:
-
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were freezing, so they lit a fire in the boat. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving "that you can't have your kayak and heat it".
-
I got really emotional at the petrol station last night...........I don't know why, I just started filling up.
-
As a follow up to Tusker's comment, how about the chap who took his aging wildebeest to agility classes. It failed because, as you know, you can't teach an old gnu dog tricks.
-
Breaking news!
Mick Hucknall (of Simply Red) has been arrested for having sex with a rabbit.
When questioned by police, he is alleged to have stated that he was just "Holding back the ears" and that "Bunny's too tight to mention".
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.
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The seven Dwarfs have been told that from Monday they can meet in groups of six..........
one of them won't be happy.
-
The World Paper Tearing Champion has died.
RIP
-
I asked for a helicopter biscuit but they didn't have one .... so I had a "Plane" one instead
-
A Bishop, a Priest and a Rabbit go into a bar.
The Bartender says to the Rabbit, "what would you like to drink"
The Rabbit said "I don't know, I'm only here because of Spell Checker"
-
The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic.
Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week
-
There's a new conspiracy documentary on Netflix about covid-19.
Two blokes from the Wuhan research centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on MH370 that miraculously disappeared. Seems they were the blokes behind the development of the new strain and intending to use it as a weapon, someone caught wind of their plans and purposefully downed the plane. Neither of them got on the flight though. Have a look it's really interesting, it's called two wongs don't make a flight.
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I was beginning to think you had posted that in the wrong place :)
Or Wong place.
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“A Bishop, a priest and a rabbit”
Sorry MartinW that one has gone over my head,I have looked a few times with no success.Can you give me a clue ?
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"Oy, Vey!"
There's a start. :grin:
-
Another...
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Is that the Cheif Rabbit?
Oh, hang on, just found this....
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“A Bishop, a priest and a rabbit”
Spell Checker changed Rabbi to Rabbit. I thought it was bunny when I posted it.
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Aaah,gorrit.Danke.
:ty:
-
A German walks into a bar.
'Martini'
'Dry?'
'Nein, just one'
-
Will glass coffins be a success......? Remains to be seen!
Sorry blokes, they’re getting worse :whistle:
-
If anyone has got any old gloves they don't want, I'll take them off your hands.
-
When you clean out your vacuum cleaner do you become a vacuum cleaner?
-
My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four...... :shy:
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.
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I went to see a mystic yesterday, as she looked into her crystal ball and she started smiling, then laughing and becoming more and more hysterical.
I thought to myself, I’ve finally found a happy medium.
-
When she did that to me, I walloped her. I always like to strike a happy medium.
-
I have some racing geese for sale.
Let me know if you want a quick gander.
-
I got a phone call today, not sure if it was a scam. I could either win £250 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night. I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
-
What has 200 Legs and 4 Teeth.
The queue outside Primark.
-
What's got 90 balls and makes middle aged women sweat?
Bingo.
-
I purchased a dog from a blacksmith the other day.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the front door ..
Taxi... 👋
-
Was Cilla Black ....?
Was Barry White ..?
Was Marvin Gay ..?
Just asking as Stevie Wondered...
I'll get my coat ... 👍
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:groan: lol
-
Was Cilla Black?
No, she was Prescilla White. :roll:
-
Due to the current racism row, master cylinders and slave cylinders are to be removed from all motorcycles ...
:groan:
-
"Why do you want to be a film editor?"
"Well, to cut a long story short."
( stolen from Steve Wright, R2)
-
The man who invented beach footwear for people with one leg has put his business into receivership.
He has been quoted as saying "the whole idea was a flop."
-
I've tried coming up with a carpentry joke that woodwork, I think I nailed it but nobody saw it :shrug:
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I saw it. It wasn't that funny but it was Oakay.
-
It went against the grain.
-
that's knot what you want
-
I'm getting sycamore of these jokes. Always barking up the wrong tree. Teak my advice and varnish while yew still can.
-
it's expected in a joint like this
-
I was knot going to read any more, but I mitre if there's mortice e...
-
Some good dovetailing in this thread.
-
What's 50 foot long and stinks of piss?
Line dancing in a care home.
Nick.
-
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and revolutionary but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya.................. the inventor of the starting pistol...
-
Getts Ettgoe was the other sister ...
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.
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Those two were known as 'the skids.....Marx'
-
When I opened my wardrobe this morning, I was confronted by a lion.
I said, "What are you doing in my wardrobe?"
He said, "Narnia business."
-
In Iran, everyone's scared of spiders
but in Iraq, no phobia.
-
The people of Dubai don't like Fred Flintstone !! but those in Abu Dhabi do
thanks for reminding me Barbel :thumb:
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lol. Give a tosser a job with a uniform and you still get a tosser.
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If he's a tosser the chap in the nice suit may need to go to the dry cleaners next...
-
He's just taking his job seriously. He's really got the other bloke's back.
-
Maybe he's afraid the aliens will beam him up from the transporter pad...
-
Just a quick word of warning:
Do NOT let supermarket staff take your temperature by scanning your forehead, it actually erases your memory. I went in Sainsbury's for lettuce, tomatoes and cucumber and ended up buying Chocolate, crisps and Vodka instead!
-
A man has today been convicted of the theft of 217 tractors over a period of 12 years.
Hector Windsock, 53, from Poole, described by police as a "One man crime wave", admitted to all the charges at the crown court today.
When asked by a young policeman what was the motivation behind his crime, he said:
"Massive urges, son."
-
I think a new "low" has been reached with that offering. Well done, Mick. :groan:
-
To recognise that Mick's "joke" has been determined as a "new low" I have added an extra REALLY into his post title.
:thumb:
"v-strom.co.uk rewards committee"
-
lol
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Thanks Paul & Martin I feel honoured. :shy:
I'm glad I was able to set a new low standard and looking forward to seeing it bettered (or worsened?). :thumb:
-
Mrs Nick was feeling a bit frisky last night and told me to undress her with my words...so I said, 'I think there's a spider in your pants.'
-
lol
-
It was so hot a male patient was delirious, telling everyone he is Gladys Pugh. The doctor diagnosed H I - de - hyration.
-
How many V-strom members does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
49 to post memes and gifs
19 to post that this thread is not about light bulbs and if they want to talk about like bulbs to start a thread on that topic
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.
44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or PM to an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
-
How does the moon cut his hair ?
Eclipse it..
-
I see they are looking for brickies to help rebuild Beirut. I enquired about the money, the day rate is good but the niterate is exceptional...
too soon ?
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I think the niterate was already very good but it went up in a big way recently.
-
2112.....I think you should have waited for the dust to settle!
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I couldn't wait, it just blew me away...
-
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow.
-
With highs of 33° expected AGAIN today, it's time to ask "could the government have done more?" Downing Street knew about this heatwave weeks ago and have done nothing. Shipments of 400,000 pairs of Speedos and 500,000 bikinis, sun cream and Cornettos have reportedly been sent back as unsafe after media claims the shipment was quarantined a month ago and Boris did nothing.
Karen from Chavington said, "We just don't know if it's safe to go outside and sunbathe because we can't function or think for ourselves. Boris hasn't told us either way and all my obese kids need ice cream and sweets, the Hubby can't get out to rob anyone so we're out of lager and weed, I blame the government entirely"
Meanwhile, anti- heat protesters dressed in thick jumpers chanting "cold lives matter" have marched on London, Big Ben has been removed and a giant Mint Feast put in its place by protesters.
The BBC reported earlier, 'clearly the sun has come out and Downing street have done nothing to prevent it.'
A second heat Wave is expected to hit the UK in 4 weeks time .
-
Just been down to B&Q to buy myself a new bush trimmer for round the garden.
I was showing it to the neighbour and he said, "That looks really modern."
"I said, Yes it's cutting hedge technology."
-
My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle. Strange name but she tortoise well.
-
Btw blokes, I got the Russian vaccine for COVID19, and if you are scared that it wasn't tested, I tried it myself, and I'm happy to report that there is not whatsoever any side efectoski secundarioski и меня зовут Лопес Обрадор, и я коррумпирован и лжец и почему я даю чистые прямые награды
-
Vladimir said the same........
-
Since the latest news that teachers A level predictions will stand ACDC can revert to being ABBA
-
Viagra have now introduced their own tea bag, your sexual performance doesn't improve however, it stops your biscuits never go soft ..! :grin:
-
Only in a marriage do you get time off for bad behaviour.
-
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
-
Was watching the women's golf the other day on the TV.
Yep, same old story , crap at driving but great with an iron ...
-
I keep dreaming I'm a horse, 5 nights on the trot now!
-
Just read that The Flat Earth Society believe, that if it continues, this social distancing will push people over the edge.
-
Caerphilly goes into lockdown. Local residents are cheesed off.
-
Great counselling.
A desperate woman was standing on a cliff edge, about to jump off.
An old homeless man wandering by notices her and says "look, seeing as you'll be dead in a minute, it won't matter to you if we had quickie before you jumped"
The woman screamed back some choice words basically telling the old boy to "bugger off".
He shrugged and said "fine, no problem, I'll go and wait at the bottom"
The woman didn't jump ....
Counselling can work ...!!
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.
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A cop just knocked on my door and told me my dog was chasing people on motorbikes. That's ridiculous. My dog can't ride a motorcycle.
-
Moto Guzzi V BMW
-
I had to end a relationship with a seismologist.............
she just kept finding faults.
-
Me too, she always expected the earth move.
-
.
-
.
-
looks like a great night in
-
Winnie the pooh ...... probably the most vindictive chapter in Nelson Mandela's autobiography.
-
.
-
looks like a great night in
Right, hands up everyone who checked the DVLA website to see if it was real?..... Right, not just me then.
-
Not just Finger Lickin' Good is it.
-
I admit to being old and NVB (Not Very Bright) but I do not get that one at all. :shrug:
-
BJ + 69 + KFC .... does that help ????
anyway ,,,A mate just got the sack !!! he was a Pyrotechnic Expert, but his last firework display went all wrong and they sacked him!!! I think it's bang out of order !!!!
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.
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Tusker, I think his boss must be crackers to fire a staff member of his sparkling ability...
-
It's a local joke, but there's a few of us on here.
-
Yesterday I went into the Police station and saw a man with three stripes on his arm and a trifle on his head.
He was the custardy sergeant.
Taxi ..!!!
-
Did he have cake in one ear with jelly and custard in the other and kept saying "speak up I am a triffle deaf"?
-
lol
-
:shrug:
-
My wife threw a piece of cheese at me in the kitchen earlier, I said "that's not very mature". :)
-
I need this mug for work
-
That's going on my Christmas list straight away :thumb:
-
.
-
Been bored at home so here's a few stolen from bookofface
-
My Son asked what I was doing on the PC.
"Ordering a V-Strom 2021 calendar", says I.
Son with hand on my shoulder says, "that's what I like about you ... always opimistic".
-
What's pink, wrinkled and hangs out your trousers?
your mum
-
The Managing Director of Dulux has died of Hypothermia on a walk up a hill in Cumbria.
His Post Mortem revealed that he needed two coats.
-
My friend composes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer, songwriter or sew it seams.
-
Now we are into October, I’ve put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music.
Is this the winter of my disco tent?
-
A little bit of pain never hurt anyone.
-
I entered a Painter and Decorator's fancy dress contest.
There were some very good outfits, but I was the overall winner.
-
Punctuation is very important.
An example:
There's a Maypole dancer.
Theresa May, pole dancer.
-
Mick. My eyes need to forget that image.
-
Paddy's thinking of getting a dog and says Mick, " I think I might get me a Labrador"
"NO WAY .! , F..K THAT" says Mick,
"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind" ...
-
Chris Eubank has just written a book about ethics. If it does well, he's going to write his next one about Kent.
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3kpYiWdVWY
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.
-
.
-
.
-
A Russian agent, a Chinese spy, a white supremacist, a depraved sexual deviant, and a con man walk in to a bar. The barman says, "What'll it be tonight Mr President?"
-
My dog is now completely bald and I feel sicker than ever.
Can anyone suggest a different hangover remedy?
-
I actually invented the word “pseudonym.”
Don’t bother looking it up because I did it under another name.
-
Some people refuse to adapt to modern technology..Why is that?..
Answers on a post card please.
-
I hired a Handyman and I gave him a list of things to do. When I got home he had done all of them except #2 and #4.
Turns out he is an Odd Job Man.
-
A friend has asked me if I can help him re-turf an entire field so he can stage
battle re-enactments.
Sod that for a game of soldiers...
-
You could get a quote from a turf accountant :shrug:
-
Thinking of buying a Bee Hive, four Hens and a Cockerel and putting them in the back garden.
That way I'll get my Honey for nothing and my chicks for free.
-
Won't help with getting your own TV though.
-
Just for you Martin.........first line!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRiuhCsxHLs
-
I did look at them yo-yo's.
-
.
-
:smirk: lol
https://youtu.be/jYzpw1rQ3xs (https://youtu.be/jYzpw1rQ3xs)
-
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hello, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
-
Subject to whatever lockdown or other covid restrictions that are in force...
I think this also applies to cake and all day breakfasts:-
-
That's not a really bad joke Brocket.....it's more a statement of truth! :thumb: :)
-
More like 324 miles away for Kwackboy and Holmsey!
-
A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying fucker, He's never been out of the garden!
-
lol
-
BREAKING NEWS .!!!
Am armed man has just run into an estate agents, and shouted
"NOBODY MOVE.!!"
-
The Mrs asked me if I could clear the dining room table after lunch. I had to take a run up but I just managed.
-
Did you know 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.........?
-
I lost my job at the salvation army today. I was serving at the soup kitchen and all I said was ...
"Hurry up" some of us have got homes to go to ... :shrug:
-
My girlfriend said "Come into the bedroom and I'll put on that black lace number...”
I said "No thanks, I can't stand ‘Agadoo’...”
-
Pssst ... I’ve got some racing geese for sale.
Let me know if you want a quick gander.
-
I was shopping this morning, and when I got to the till I asked, "Is it alright if I pay by card?"
The assistant said, "Certainly - which card do you have?"
"I said, "The four of Hearts."
-
Is it true : that you can trust your dog to guard your home but not your sandwich?
-
Ask TLPower! lol lol lol
-
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall??
DAM
-
In news, our local Police are now cracking down on public urination and defecation on the streets.
A spokesman for the Police has stated that they have made this their number one and number two priority.
-
A boy turns up at school with his cat peeping out his bag, his teacher is very puzzled & asks him "Tommy what is your cat doing at school today?" Tommy answers "I heard the postman telling my mum when your kids have gone to school I'm going to eat your pussy! So I wasn't taking any chances!"
-
It appears Yorkshire has a big drug problem.
They are injecting drugs directly into the gum
Apparently, its called "E by Gum"
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.
-
Thanks kwackboy a one like is not enough!
-
I think my mate might be having an affair with my wife. he's been really miserable lately.
-
Thanks Ianmc :grin:
-
Ianmc sends some belters!
-
Why do Kwik Fit staff often look worn out?
...they are either tyred or exhausted :groan:
-
Did it ever occur to you that the only word spelled right in the dictionary is "right"
and the only word spelled wrong is "wrong?"
-
All the time Mick.
Why isn't there an alternate word for Thesaurus though?
-
I went to the opticians today for my annual eye test. He sat me down and asked 'what can you see'. I replied, 'closed airports, closed shops, & closed pubs. He said 'great - you've got 2020 vision'...
-
:clap:
In my opinion that's far too good to be posted here though.
-
Agreed - this is the really Bad Jokes Section, that's way too good for here :)
-
A Viking called Rudolph the red looked out the window and said 'it's going to rain'
his wife said how do you know?
he said Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.
-
There you go Ambergnat. That must make up for it. lol
-
You think that's bad?......
When Mr. and Mrs. Hall's water main burst this week, the water company sent out a wagon with a small trailer, or bowser, to keep them watered until repairs were completed. Unfortunately the wagon driver forgot to apply the trailer's handbrake before he uncoupled it, and it rolled down the householder's drive and knocked them over. A passing carol singer commented "you've just decked the Halls with bowser folly."
-
A team of 30 scientists at a camp in the North Pole have tested positive for the corona virus.
The Government says they are all safe, and intends to keep them Icesolated.
-
Seriously v-twin, send those crackers back. That was dreadful!
-
Sad news...
I broke up with my girlfriend Loraine...
She found out I was seeing another girl... Claire Lee...
Good news though...
I can see Claire Lee now Loraine has gone...
-
Tiers, tiers and yet more bloody tiers :bawl:
-
Back in the day
-
I remember the Lorry coming round every week to pick up the empty bottles of pop, Cream Soda with ice cream yummy. :thumb:
-
We got Ben Shaws round our way. You got 5p back when you returned the empties. :old:
-
Don't you mean a shilling TP? It must have been in the 60's...........
-
Alpine pop around here, allowed one bottle a week ###
-
I was born in 1974, Joe. We were already decimal by then.
-
What, even in Lancashire?
-
You got 5p back when you returned the empties. :old:
As a young whipper snapper of around 8 or 9 we used to climb over the fence at the rear of the local shop and then pass the empties over to our mates. Give it 5 mins or so and then take them back for the 5p 'return'. A bit naughty and it helped me develop a Chipmunk crisps habit.
-
Enterprising stuff! Now they call it government...
Allegedly.
-
@ 2112, it is unfortunate to say we did worse than that! In our teens (late 60's) our local shop stored his full 'pop' bottles in a yard around the back of the shop. Access was over a 6' wall, easily assailable by us. We 'rescued' the bottles in the evening (closing in those days was around 5/6 pm), drank it on the local park, then took the empties back next day or two for the Thruppence in return.
We were smart enough to just 'rescue' one or two at a time and we managed a couple of summer holidays before broken glass appeared on top of the wall! :)
-
And I thought I was a rascal...
-
The big boys made me do it!! :)
-
We were all lead astray really....
-
Don't you mean a shilling TP? It must have been in the 60's...........
In the 60's it was sixpence, don't ask how I know! :old:
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Tallpaul mentioned 5p which is 1/20th of a pound; so too was a shilling.
It may have been sixpence for the return. :icon_wink:
-
I have been cleaning out my garage and I've found a box full of old, dead batteries.
Anyone want them?
They’re free of charge.
-
Numbers one to nine of the most common sports injuries are to the legs, head or back.
Ten is elbow.
-
My first lockdown laugh of the day.
-
Covid-19 advice
-
You've got to love a quarterlight. Those and wing mirrors, as in mirrors mounted on the wing not the door. :old:
-
Today has been declared International Day of Sound Checking..........
Today's date.............12.1.21
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.
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Mick's joke reminds me about the time I was working as a cocktail barman. A lady walked in and asked for a double entendre, so I gave her one. Then a (female) sound engineer asked for the same, so I gave her one, too.
-
“You've got to love a quarterlight. Those and wing mirrors, as in mirrors mounted on the wing not the door. :old: “
I used to hate drilling and fitting wing mirrors, one slip and it wrecks the paint on a brand new car.
-
Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce because he's a Rocket Man.....
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Stop! just stop; I can't take any more :dl_hyperhysteria:
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.
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.
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Every Thursday night since 1986. Nowt new there.
-
The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in more ways than I can put into words.
-
To catch a polar bear.....
Cut a 5 foot hole in the ice on a lake
Catch a fish and tie it to a stick spanning the hole
When the bear leans over to get the fish
Kick it in the ice hole
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I saw a very attractive lady standing alone at the bar drinking a bright red cocktail. Not one to miss a chance I sideled over to her and said "bloody mary"? she replied "no, friggin Deborah"....
-
Too soon ?
-
Maybe? But that's what makes it bad ... in one way. :shrug:
-
Like it or not that is very English humour. Some will find it crass but it made me smile.
-
Too soon ?
I'm sat in front of a tribute program to him as I type...I'm seriously conflicted...
-
I'm fine with it. It isn't overtly disrespectful or anything that diminishes what he achieved.
-
I laughed because it's so bad ... :shrug: lol
-
Yeah, that too...
-
Way too soon. Very bad!! But funny! :whistle:
-
Thank heavens for that, I was pilloried recently for posting a joke that was too good to be in the bad jokes section.
Abnormal service resumed then...
-
To all the fat ugly birds out there who didn't get a Valentine's date .... It's pancake day next week .... Chins up girls ... !!!
-
The Price is Right.
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.
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.
-
Got an electric vehicle? You'll need a current driving licence.
-
I can't believe its pancake day, it must have crèped up on me!
-
BM it's crêpe. lol
However; the cat crept into the crypt, crapped and quietly crept out again. :icon_wink:
-
It may be correct with a circonflexe, Mick might have made a grave error, but we Brits tend to pronounce it acutely.
-
If you get an email with the subject "Knock, Knock". don't open it.
It might be a Jehovah's witness working from home.
-
I dropped a tub of margarine on my foot two weeks ago and it still hurts!
I can't believe it's not better.
-
When I say "getting old sucks" what I really mean is my teeth are falling out and I can no longer chew.
-
One of my friends with Covid and been been put on one of those new Dyson ventilators. Staff say he's picking up nicely...
-
League tables showing obesity comparisons between different countries are misleading. A pie chart would be better.
-
I'm getting fed-up with nuisance phone calls, my bills are extortionate.
-
Joe, 'fed up' isn't hyphenated. .............. touché mon ami. lol
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BM, I didn't write the joke, I just copied it.......... :shy:
:grin:
-
Like Bart Simpson on the subject of his dinosaur essay: "I didn't write it, the internet wrote it I just handed it in "
:grin:
-
We all do that Joe. :thumb: :grin:
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A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The funeral company told the man that it would cost £15000 to ship her home or £500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said "ship her home".
Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?"
The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I can't take the chance!"
-
I was at marriage guidance counselling with the wife the other day when the counsellor said "apparently, you never buy her flowers". I replied " I didn't even know she sold flowers"...
-
I must have been at the same counsellor. When he said I should buy her flowers more often I said, "What type, plain or self-raising?"
-
!
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.
-
Wordsmithing.
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.
-
That's worth a lol lol lol
-
I've started telling people about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
-
I don't normally share personal stuff, but my wife was great in the sack last night. Sank to the bottom of the canal beautifully.
-
And here is today's bad joke -
-
A friend has been banned for life from his local gym. He found a hole in his trainer big enough to put his finger in.
-
A friend has been sacked from his job at the local chip shop after he was found with the potato peeler up his arse. The potato peeler was sacked too :shock:
-
Today bad joke -
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.
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.
-
Buckingham Palace reports Prince Phillip's condition is greatly improved & the Duke of Edinburgh has even been able to sit up in bed to conduct Zoom interviews for a special overseas driving assignment.
-
Does anyone know how to program a Tomtom to avoid tunnels? Asking for an American friend...
-
I wish.......
-
Topical if you have a bit of a memory
-
I think Hillary Clinton was only upset because Bill never splashed out on a new dress for her...
-
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “so you want to be cops, right?”
The blondes all nodded.
The detective pulled out a picture and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”
He then stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?”
The blond immediately said, “yes. I did. he only has one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in the picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You are excused too!”
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blond and said,
This is probably a waste of time, but...”
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it saying, All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about the man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses”.
The detective began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You are absolutely right? His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear,...he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
-
.
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.
-
I read that in Canada you're more like to die from being kicked by a moose than you are in a terrorist attack. Damn moose limbs...
-
Took me a while there Mr Nick.
-
They're all secret members of elk 'aeda
-
A man brings his best mate home for dinner, unannounced after work.
His wife screams at him as his friend stands there listening: "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
-
.
-
“What’s the problem?” the doctor asked.
I replied, “When I urinate, it smells of anything that I’ve eaten or drank. For instance, if I eat Sugar Puffs it smells of Sugar Puffs or if I drink chicken Soup, it smells of chicken Soup. What can I do to make my piss smell like piss, doctor?”
“Have you tried drinking Foster’s?”
-
I was at the doctors today and he told me I had to stop drinking. This will be a massive upheaval for me, I'd been with him for 15 years...
-
I could have done with John Denver yesterday.....................
just the man to fill up my census.
-
.
-
I could have done with John Denver yesterday.....................
I just didn't get this three days ago, but read it again today and it clicked.
lol
-
You need to see the knight in the forest.
-
Another three day countdown started .....
-
Job advertising
-
OK, so it took three hours rather than three days this time. I must have been asleep earlier.
-
The pilot of the cargo ship stranded in the Suez canal has eventually relented and phoned her husband to come and back it out for her.
-
Uncle Albert was captain at the time.
-
.
-
.
-
Police in Liverpool pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find out the bike was taxed, MOT'd and insured. It wasn't stolen, and there were no drugs or stolen goods on board. He was sober and had a full licence with no points on it.
A Police spokesman said 'we had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting Police time.'
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(https://www.dropbox.com/s/v1t0s74rfwbsitg/West.jpeg?raw=1)
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That is bad Mr. Nick....... :thumb: :clap:
-
Mr Nick!!! :roll:
-
No idea why but every time I see a picture of Fred West I hear a voice in my head shout "the plane boss, it's the plane..." :crazy:
-
OK, to atone for pushing the boundaries, an basic corny one:
I read that the CEO of IKEA has been elected President of Sweden...he should have his cabinet together by the end of the week
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..
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-
I have discovered the answer to a question that has been puzzling scientists for hundreds of years. What is the exact difference between a split second and a nanosecond? My other half and I were getting ready to go to a movie when, right as we were about to leave home, she asked me the question all blokes dread: “Does this make my bum look big?” If I had said “no” in a nanosecond, we’d have been out the door. Since I took a split second, she had to go to the shops and buy new outfits with jewellery, shoes, and purses to match.
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-
Pinched from another forum....
Walkers have announced their new "Murray Flavour Crisps".
They're made from common taters.
-
Come on, it's been minutes....Where's all the Philip stuff?
-
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-39806145
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Too soon .. :shy:
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.
-
Just had a copy of my first published novel arrive
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.
-
Just logged in to post that myself .....
-
My favourite book is the Oxford dictionary. I particularly like the way the author explains things as he goes along.
-
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-
Can't argue with it:
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/0st8ua6nnzhy2eg/Girls%20evil.jpg?raw=1)
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lol
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-
Due to the perceived racism row, master cylinders and slave cylinders are to removed from motorcycles with immediate effect. :stirpot:
-
Did you read about the 2 Llamas breaking out of the zoo?
LLAMA 1: We’re escaping this afternoon.
LLAMA 2: OK, Alpaca bag.
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-
Please start taking this Indian Covid Variant seriously !!
My neighbour caught it and has been in a korma for a week and he's only just buried his naan.
I'll get my coat ..
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Worth a chapati on the back...
-
You should be a joke raita
-
People trying to curry favour with awful puns...
-
William Shakespeare walks into a pub and orders a drink.
The barman says “I’m not serving you”.
“Why ever not? Asks Shakespeare
The barman replies “Because you’re bard”.
-
I was born male and I identify as male, but according to Aldi's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!
-
I went to a disco last night;
They played the twist, so I twisted,
They played Jump, so I jumped
They played Come On Eileen...
I got kicked out for that one.
-
Have you noticed how meteors always land in craters?
-
Have you also noticed that no matter what temperature a room is, it's always at room temperature...
-
On the supermarket shelf a magazine title "Practicle Sportsbike" Is that an oxymoron or just a really bad joke?
-
Not "practical" ? Better than particle sports bikes I suppose...
-
As for meteors, why do people describe singers/actors "meteoric" rise to fame? Meteors come down.
-
About right .. :grin:
-
Since we're on the subject...
-
.
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Just got back from visiting a lovely little place in Wales,
Llysthwycyyrigridarbrewthh...
Sorry, hair in my mouth. I went to Swansea.
-
My wife and kids are upset cause I put ginger in the curry.
They loved that cat.
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.
-
Did you mean Tyres? :icon_wink:
-
tyre is correct as it is a shortened version of "Attire" refering to dressing a wheel. Some time in the mid 19th centuary the "English upper class changed the spelling by way of substituting 'Y' of the 'I', a snobby affectation as is the way of English toffs. Meanwhile the Colonies retained the original spelling giving rise to modern day jingoistic English smugness.
-
Why do most businesses employee female Gender Equality Officers?
Because they're cheaper.
-
Tragedy at the Nestle factory today. A fork lift driver passed away after being crushed after he caused a large pile of crates containing its best selling white chocolate bar to topple on top of him. He tried to call for help, but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are On Me" everybody just cheered...
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In my above post I wrote "T-I-r-e is correct" but the filter got me and made my post nonesense (err.. oh yeah not too unusual)
-
How does it know? If you tyre yourself out fitting a new tyre will it differentiate? Er, no, apparently.
-
I was trying to shove a lion and a witch into a wardrobe when some bloke asked what I was doing.
I said "piss off, it''s Narnia business"
-
Just as well...
-
The Americanism filter still makes me chuckle after all this time :smirk:
-
Technically the Euro Trophy was presented in Wembley Stadium, London, England, to the home team.
-
Do bin men get formal training
or do they pick it up as they go along?
-
I was once in a band called 'The Radiators'.....we were a warm up act.
Then I joined The Duvets'......we mainly did covers.
After that I was with a group called 'The cats Eyes'.....mostly middle of the road stuff.
Now I'm with a group called 'Missing Cat'.....keep an eye out for our posters.
-
Solar power really is the future .......but it won't happen overnight.
-
Have you noticed how many Formula One drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?
Stirling Moss.
Lewis Hamilton.
Eddie Irvine.
Ayr Town centre...
-
How many people does it take to tell a bad joke?
Don't know: haven't got time to look through 45 pages to count...
-
I once dated a lady police officer named Tina. She was a sergeant actually.
I stopped at her place one night and in the morning, she asked me if I wanted a cooked breakfast?
I said, "Don't fry for me Sergeant Tina".
-
Why aren't Dacia Dusters produced in yellow?
-
Did Shakespeare write his plays with a pencil..........?
2B or not 2B, that is the question.
-
:shrug:
-
Well I thought it was funny
-
.
-
Sorry about the language .. :whistle:
-
Stolen from facebook
-
Tonight's open Mike night at the local Autopsy club if anyone fancies it.
-
A man who trained his dog to play the Trumpet on the London underground said it went from Barking to Tooting in less than an hour.
-
A trumpet? On the underground?? A tuba, Shirley?
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.
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.
-
....as the Diego's by so fast.
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.
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Quack!
Quack!
Quack!
Right then that's enough fowl language from me so I'm off
-
Che ep joke there Mr B: you can cluck off now...
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.
-
In light of the fuel crisis and thinking about my carbon footprint I have changed the engine of my car to the motor out of a washing machine.
I'm taking it out for a spin tomorrow.
-
How do you catch a rabbit?
Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a lettuce.
-
My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh..." she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time"
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.
-
I must clean my screen.
-
I just got back home from attending a friends funeral after he died in a drowning accident. His family were not at all happy with my floral tribute in the shape of a life buoy. But I'm sure it is what he would have wanted.
-
Always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge in case an unexpected visitor asks for a Black Coffee.
-
Turns out that, if you leave milk long enough, it goes black all by itself. On an unrelated note, used fridge for sale - would suit someone with no sense of smell...
-
.
-
I just got a ticket for doing 69 on a Motorway.
I think the Police saw her ankles sticking out the sunroof.
-
We've just been to B & Q and the wife has got a ladder in her tights.
She's an amazing shoplifter.
-
While out shopping for a present for the wife, I saw this bra today. Gorgeous soft, frilly lace. Like velvet in my fingers.
The woman wearing it didn't seem happy though.
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.
-
lol :clap: like that kwackboy lol
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-
Insert helmet jokes here.
-
If the hat fits. 😁
-
Stole this one .. lol
-
.
-
They have just finished putting Stonehenge back an hour.
-
lol
-
A Yorkshire man walks into the vets,
"Summat up wi' t' cat".
Vet: "Is it a tom?.
Yorkshire man: Nah, it's 'ere int' basket".
-
one day the wife was bent down looking in the fridge. I was overcome with lust and took her there and then. we are now banned from currys.
-
I was told about a novel where Schrodinger's cat & Pavlov's dog team up for an adventure story, so I rang the local library to see if they had a copy.
The librarian said my description rang a bell but wasn't sure if the book was there or not.
-
.
-
If it's for that demographic then doesn't it need a "Breakfast" button too.
-
more likely just a breakfast button.
-
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”
And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”
That was when I realised I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
-
Just just finished an excellent book entitled 'Fights on a Narrow Boat'.
If you're interested the author was a chap called R.G. Bargee.
-
Reminds me of the side dishes in my favourite curry house in Buenos Aires........
-
A scientist, a doctor, and an anti-vaxer walk into a bar.
The scientist sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Jack and Coke!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a Bacardi and coke!"
The anti-vaxer says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.
-
:shock:
( I'd forgotten the polio, measles and tb immunisations we were "forced" to have at school when making my list)
-
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
-
I have a fear of escalators so I'm taking steps to avoid them.
-
I was horrified when my wife told me that our six-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
-
.
-
I took my six year old to see Father Christmas this morning and he stank of alcohol and fags. You could see the needle marks in him too.
I shudder to think what Father Christmas thought of him.
-
New album - 80. Same shite...
-
A Vegan said to me "People who sell meat are disgusting".
I said "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer".
-
Vstrom inside ... :grin:
-
I've seen Mr Diver's old K6 packed up like that.
-
yep, first one was ST6 in Scotland
the second once was West Wales in 2014, I was loaded like a pack horse and she wasn't even on the same bike!
-
Just been to Tesco and saw a sign saying 'Turkey £30'....
that's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook!
-
Government Bargains
-
Just to warn you, don't eat at Sam & Ella's Restaurant. I won't!
-
This morning I poured some Tomato Ketchup into my eyes.
But in Heinzsight it wasn't a good idea.
-
Kids don't realise how easy they have it today.
When I was young we had to walk 9 feet though shag pile carpet to change the TV channel.
-
Oh yes , I remember being my parents tv remote as a child .. lol
-
A boy turns up at school with his cat peeping out his bag, his teacher is very puzzled, she asks him "Tommy what is your cat doing at school today ?, Tommy answers, "I heard the postman telling my mum when your kids have gone to school I'm going to eat your pussy" ,I wasn't taking any chances miss..!!
-
lol
-
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song...
while chickpeas can only hummus one.
-
History would have been different if the Apollo 13 astronauts were all female…….
Houston, we have a problem.
Please say again Apollo 13?
Houston we have a problem… oh, you never listen to me do you?
Please confirm Apollo 13..
We have a …. that's fine, forget I even mentioned it !!….
Please confirm Apollo 13…
Oh never mind.. I’ll fix it myself !!!
-
I am selling my snooker table and accessories. I will put the table, cue, chalk & balls on
E-Bay.
The rest will go to charity.
-
. . . . . The rest will go to charity.
I'd to read that twice before the thruppenny bit dropped :thumb:
-
.
-
.
-
That caused so much grief last year, so hold on to your hats.
-
good news for those of us in Wales...
Free firewood!!!! lol
-
They could at least make them half decent sized trees: that's barely even a matchstick.
-
If a drummer comes out of retirement will there be repercussions?
-
I bought and paid for a book on the internet months ago.
It was called "How to scam people online".
I've still not received it!
-
I was walking down the road this morning when someone threw a bottle of Mayonnaise at me!
I was like "What the Hellmann"!
-
I've come to the conclusion that my mind is like an etch-a-sketch: one shake of my head & I forget everything...
-
That caused so much grief last year, so hold on to your hats.
Oh, that one again.
Bravo! :clap:
Can't have funny Brexit jokes though. :shock: :icon_no:
:xmas-santa2:
-
My friend's other half has fallen off a boat in Venice and drowned.
I've sent my gondolances ....
-
I just switched all the wrappers around in a tin of Celebrations.
My Wife wasn't happy and got her Snickers in a Twix.
-
For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at trees for an hour.
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.
-
Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?
He pasta way.
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day....all it was doing was collecting dust.
-
I'm hoping my mate’s girlfriend gets back from the Ukraine before 25th December...
No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas...
-
Did you hear about the bloke that robbed a Formula 1 driver at 200mph, amazing what Red Bull can do for you.. :stirpot:
-
Dark strom...
That sort of funny joke has no place on this thread (really BAD jokes) lol
-
.
-
I was playing air drums to Rush on the way home from work when a stick flew out of my hand. I had to change to Def Leppard...
-
I scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
-
First rule of Thesaurus Club.
You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club.
-
.
-
An Alien walks into a bar.
The landlord asks "Pint of bitter?"
"No thanks," says the Alien, "I'm inta Stella."
-
A shark can swim faster than I can.
However, I can run faster than a shark can.
So in a Triathlon it all comes down to who's the best cyclist.
-
Even after 107 years, the Swimming Pool on the Titanic is still full of water.
-
This is the first time I won’t be going to Hawaii for Christmas because of COVID
Usually I don’t go because I can’t afford it!
-
I went into Asda this morning and asked,
"Can someone sell me a kettle?", The assistant said, "Kenwood?"
I said, "that's great, where is he then?"
-
Why was the snowwoman disappointed with her tinder date snowman?
Snow-balls lol
I'll get my coat
-
That David Fuller character (the Tonbridge Necrophiliac) would still be on the loose if some rotten c*nt hadn't split on him
(Talk about having something cool to slip into on a hot summers day ...)
Where's my coat?
-
I found out that you can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed very easily.
Simply forgetting your wife's birthday does the trick it seems...
-
I HAVE DECIDED TO WRITE ALL JOKES IN CAPITALS FROM NOW ON.
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.
-
.
-
Got my booster yesterday and my arm is completely dead this morning........
........ Guess they had their Pfizers set to stun.
-
Moderna what you mean, ran out of Pfizer here, hope the arm is better soon. :thumb:
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.
-
If anyone knows of somebody eating Christmas dinner alone this year, with no family or friends, can you please give them my details.
I need to borrow some chairs 👍
-
The police just pulled me over and said "Papers" ?
I said "scissors"... I win..!! and drove off.
Think he wants a rematch as he's been chasing me for the last 45 mins..... lol
-
We've had covid variants labelled delta, alpha, gamma, beta, and now omicron, and we're still supposed to believe this sucker comes from China???
Greece, your secret's out ......
-
CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN PLEASE?..!!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A YOUNG LADY, SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING ME, SENDING NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 10 XR IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 & OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW & THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON...
-
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested in you or has level 99 friend zoned you...
Or maybe she just hasn't seen you in the tree yet.
-
I got some second-hand After Eights for Christmas.
Mind you, they were in mint condition.
-
Looking for a manual for a wife.
Not sure what's happening but mine is making a whining sound and I can't find the source... :grin:
-
You could try anti-freeze :shock:
-
Give her a good greasing. She may get louder to start with but she'll soon quieten down. :smirk:
-
Turn the radio up and you'll not notice. Well that cured the sound from my SD1's back axle for 40k miles.
-
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes I got for Christmas would help with my posture, but I stand corrected.
-
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease I don’t have the balls to do it anymore.
-
Some lowlife stole my new trainers along with my hi Viz jacket out of my car.
They can run, but they can't hide...!!
-
.
-
My New Years resolution is to stop using spray deodorant.
Roll on next year.
-
Carrying on with my New Year resolutions, another one for me is to stop procrastinating, but I'm not going to start that one until next year.
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.
-
I just started dating an absolutely beautiful young lady who happens to be a twin.
My mate asked how I tell them apart.
I told him I had a fool proof plan for that as Ellie always wears purple nail varnish and Jeff has a cock.
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.
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Tell her not to worry as he won't get far
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He's only just made it from Barbel Mick's thread to here.
-
I've named my dog '6 miles'
Why? So I can tell everyone I walk 6 miles every day...........
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.
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Just learned today that if you have a breakdown in an electric car you can still use the AA! However, if it's a small electric car you have to use the AAA...
-
That one's especially bad if you're reading this in the USA
-
I'm in trouble with the wife again.
I bought her some lorry oil for her birthday...
Apparently it's pronounced 'L’Oreal'. :groan:
-
I need some help with my Hazard Lights.
They are stuck on and I don't know which way to turn.
-
Does anyone know if it is possible to take a graft from a buttock and attach it to someone who is not a relative?
Arse Skin for a friend.
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Breaking wind in a lift - that's wrong on so many levels!
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I tagged Jen in that one on Facebook. :grin:
This one made me chuckle...
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No more than I'd expect in Wales
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An outrage- I am incensed.
-
Incest is OK as long as you keep it in the family
-
I’ve just started a new job working at a factory that makes chess pieces.
I’m on knights this week .. :groan:
-
Let us know when you are doing a queen.
-
What man doesn't like pawn?
-
What do Prince Andrew and Manchester United have in common?
It went badly wrong for both of them the minute Fergie left.
-
I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.............
-
Too soon ...?
-
:roll:
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Probably.... but a bad joke is a bad joke. :shrug: :)
-
Man in bar orders a gin and tonic....
Lady next to him, “What a coincidence, I’ve just ordered that”
Man, “I'm Celebrating.”
Lady, “Me too”
Man, “What a coincidence. Why are you celebrating?”
Lady, “My husband and I have tried for four years for a baby and today I’ve found out I’m pregnant.”
Man, “What a coincidence! I am a farmer and for four years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs, today all are laying eggs.”Lady, “Wow! How did that happen?
Man, “I used a different cock”
Lady smiled, “What a coincidence.”
-
My wife told me today she wants a divorce due to my obsession with flowers.
I said oh, come on petal, where's all this stemmed from ?
-
Well that's 'dry January' nearly done and I haven't pissed the bed once...
-
As heard on the radio,
A penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman
"have you seen my brother lately?"
"Hmmmm" says the barman, "I'm not sure, what does he look like?"
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I got a new step ladder today. To be honest I didn't really know my real ladder...........
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A Red Indian Chief just introduced me to his wife who is called Four Horses.
I asked him where her name came from.
He said F'kin nag, nag, nag, nag.
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I just bought a house with period features.
I must stop calling her that.
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It didn’t take long !
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My neighbour keeps asking if I want to go round and listen to his railway sounds LP.
I don't think so. Not with his track record.
-
:clap:
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I bought some bargain Harry Potter books on World Book Day...............
only a quid each.
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My mate was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music.
I said, " Didja redo it?"
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March 2021- Not allowed to travel more than 5 miles :shock:
March 2022- Can't afford to travel more than 5 miles... :icon_no:
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My wife is psychic. Last night my phone battery died so I rang her on my mate's phone. She answered and said 'Hi sweetie'...I mean how the hell did she know it was me.
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Chaps, I need some help building a doorway.
That’s where you come in.
-
One for User650
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There can be a hundred people in a room, and 99 won’t slap you
But one Will
-
@mr_diver
I'll give it a try and let you know lol lol :grin:
-
Oh No. A tyre thread.
-
Top marriage guidance tip, never ask your wife what time tea will be ready while she's mowing the lawn...
-
Now that's interesting.
-
I've picked Dirty Rug and Creosote in The National ............. Ones never been beaten the other is brilliant over fences
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A blonde woman is out golfing one day and gets stung by a bee. She returns to the clubhouse all distraught.
The club pro asks "what's wrong?"
She replies "I got stung by a bee!"
Pro: "well where did it sting you?"
Blonde: "between the first and second hole"
Pro: "Well there's your problem. I'd say your stance is too wide".
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I’ll never forget the first time I slept on a memory foam mattress.
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A blast from the past.
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I bet he cheated at that too...........
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lol lol
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moving to Poole ??
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I recently lost 3 fingers on my right hand. I said to the doctor "would I ever write with it again?".
He said "maybe, but I wouldn't count on it".
-
I bumped in to Marti Pellow last night and he told me he's got arthritis.
He said "I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes"
-
I don't seem able to unhook my wife's bra.
I tried everything, but nothing works.
Anybody got a good tip for me before she comes home?
-
lol
-
Not many members realise this, but there are two unwritten rules for the REALLY Bad Jokes thread
1.
2.
-
But not necessarily in that order.
-
I can't take the credit for this, Graham62 deserves that, but he's too busy fishing to post it. :)
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A hundred years ago everyone owned a horse, but only the rich had cars.
Now everyone owns a car and only the rich own a horse.
The stables have turned.
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Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?
Or just a low ha!
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Inspired by Joe's video of the Bison..........
What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo!
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I was too embarassed to wheel that one out Mick! lol
-
Wheel it out? Exhume might be more accurate
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Bloomin' Elk Mick. That was bad.
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Thank you Martin.
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Sorry :)
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On my Stop the difference thread I can't believe with the bunch on here no-one came up with the obvious...
One's left and One's right?
I'll get my coat.
-
Technically, ones Left and Right. The other is Right and Wrong.
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After being sentenced to two and a half years, Boris Becker asked, “I'm sorry, how many months is that?"
The Judge replied.."30, love."
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The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A38 just off the Somercotes slip road early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
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A soldier who was renting a house from me has done a runner, he owes me six months rent.
He told me he was a General but I’ve since discovered he’s a Left Tenant.
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I wonder how Boris Becker is holding up to the pressure of the men's semi's in prison ???
-
Probably finding it hard.
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When three people have sex it is known as a threesome.
When two people have sex it is known as a twosome.
Now I know why you are handsome.
-
'footer' seen on a Honda forum:-
" if it ain't broke, keep fixing it until it is"
I think that's me to a "T" :smirk:
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You have got to love geography
-
And the sh*t state of the country.
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Yesterday I thought It’s a nice day so I’ll take the bike out , whilst out I got in a race with a Harley Davidson , at first on the flat straight roads I had the upper hand and could stay in front quite comfortably then we hit the down hill straight and that’s when he over took me and took quite a lead , I thought I’d never catch up but when it came to the twisty uphill roads I was really on his tail , I had to pedal like mad but I managed to get back in front 🚴♀️
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Coat collected.
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.
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Jess, the talking sheep dog, finished coaxing the flock of sheep into the pen and pushed the gate shut with her snout. She then went to the farmer and told him "I've put your 50 sheep in the pen". The farmer said "I only have 46 sheep though". "Yes" replied Jess "but I rounded them up".
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Just had two police officers at my front door. They asked me, “Are you familiar with the letters HB?” I said, “No, I’m not.”
“How about LS?” they asked. I replied, “No.”
Then they asked, “What about JD?”
I said, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?” They said, “No, these are just initial inquiries.”
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That's a lot of free extras, so it won't be in a Lidl box.
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Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.
He's a little fit bunny.
-
Was thinking today, when I was young, we were so poor we couldn’t afford shoes,
I used to wrap my feet in bubble wrap so I could pop to the shop
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I think shredded cheese should be banned in England.
Make Britain grate again.
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Football.
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I have a tattoo that is just an outline drawing and my wife has spent all afternoon colouring it in.
I think she needed a shoulder to crayon.
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I've lost control. I don't see an end. There is no escape. I don't even have a home anymore.
Time for a new keyboard.
-
Be thankful you don't have a pregnant pause!
-
My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "
I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.
-
Jubilee decorations
-
First off, THANK YOU EVERYONE for your concern.
I'm OK, just a bit shaken up, but l'll be OK. For those of you who don't know what happened, I was robbed yesterday morning at the petrol station filling up the car. I gathered myself together, my hands were still shaking, I was dizzy and I honestly think I was in shock. My money was gone. I called the police, they were fantastic and called for medical assistance as my blood pressure was through the roof.
The police asked me if I knew who did it, and I told them "Yes, it was pump number 4 ”
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After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber. I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple of cucumbers. After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink. All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking.
The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.
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I visited the birthplace of the person who invented the toothbrush.
There’s no plaque... :shrug:
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I'm not one to brag, but I have sykick powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking: “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
-
A young bloke called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for £250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Tommy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back. That's fine."
The farmer said, "Sorry, I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Tommy then said, "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, "Why? What you going to do with him?"
Tommy replied, "I’m going to raffle him off."
The farmer laughed and said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?"
Tommy answered, "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won't tell anybody the horse is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?"
Tommy said, "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at £5 a piece."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Tommy smiled and said, "Just the bloke who won. So I gave him his £5 back."
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I remember back in the 1970s my mum won a years supply of Spam.
Unfortunately, she just frittered it away.
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Beware Spam post above
(https://gifimage.net/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/spam-gif-8.gif)
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Honda is coming out with the first electric vehicle with wireless charging. It's called the Honda Accordless.
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Woman at her partners funeral. A man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, be my guest" says the woman
The man stands up, clears his throat and says "Plethora" and sits back down.
"Thanks" says the woman "That means a lot"
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I said to the woman in B&Q, “what's best for greasy ovens?”
She said, “Ammonia cleaner”
I said, “Sorry I thought you were a store assistant”
-
My mate keeps saying to me “cheer up, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”.
I know he means well.
-
My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"
Apparently "No, it's just you" is the wrong answer.......
-
I was in a cafe this morning and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup.
It got so bad it ended up in violence.
I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages…
-
Just a storm in a tea cup.
-
You're just a stirrer.
.
-
Before I die I am going to eat a full bag of unpopped popcorn.
Should make the cremation interesting.
-
Carrie doesn't live here anymore
Carrie used to room on the second floor
Sorry that she left no forwarding address
That was known to me
-
I was going to tell you a joke about time travel but you didn't like it........
-
In white
-
Join the line..
-
I've just had my bank statement through and noticed that I've had payments go out for a water pistol, a pair of size 20 shoes, a trumpet and a red nose..
Phoned the bank and apparently my card's been clowned.
-
I’ve just put my collection of glove puppets on e-bay.
I don’t need the money; I just want someone to take them off my hands.
-
I guess unsliced bread was the best until.........;
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.
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My pet mouse Elvis died today.
He was caught in a trap
-
I'm terrible in the kitchen, I've just burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
Obviously I should've cooked it at aloha temperature.
-
I love the way our planet rotates.
It really makes my day.
-
Yesterday I went to see the meerkat's at the zoo.
Very disappointed.
They knew nothing about insurance... :shrug:
-
.
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Like the city kid taken on a visit to a farm.
On returning home mum asks what did you see on the farm.
"well the farmer said it was a little heifer, but we knew what he meant".
-
Went to the chip shop, the owner rejected my order for a small cod.
He said he had bigger fish to fry. :groan:
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Can't laugh at a chip shop joke tonight. We've had s 300 home power cut so I went to the chippy. Fish & chips twice, large peas, small peas, 2 teacakes.
Thirty bloody pence change from twenty bloody quid!
#Yorkshirebattlecry.
-
Shocking ...
-
Looks like your wallet got battered, Rusty.
-
lol lol
-
Scientists have investigated for decades how dolphins communicate in their own language.
Suddenly it clicked.......
-
I got a new job delivering medication to pigs, sheep, goats, cows and chickens.
I'm now a "Farm Assist" :grin:
-
.
-
Had to quit my job at the Watch factory
The bloke sitting opposite kept making faces...
-
......My wife said he wouldn't keep his hands off her, he did it for a wind up.
-
I am writing a book about reverse psychology.
Please don't buy it.
-
I've been banned from playing the guitar at home.............I'm not going to fret over it though!
-
Men: ”football's coming home, it’s coming home!”
Women 60 yrs later: "oh for goodness sake, we’ll fetch it ourselves!”
-
Drama in the commonwealth games today. Someone was shot with a starter pistol........They think it was race related.
-
Only too true...
-
lol
TLP will be "offended", he thinks you have to say "outraged".
-
.
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.
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Yesterday I was driving on the A24 doing 70 mph when this red Fireblade pulls alongside and the rider taps urgently on my window.
I thought WTF and roll the window down fast.
The bloke's wearing an open face helmet and has a ciggy hanging from his mouth.
Still doing 70 he leans into the open window and says “Have you got a light mate?”
"Whaaat?" I reply “Are you trying to kill yourself?”
"Oh don't worry" he says "I only smoke ten a day.”
-
Not easy.
-
Next week is Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.....
-
Just started reading a book called “Swimming The English Channel” by Francis Near.
-
.
-
.
-
Snap
-
.
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Just ordered this for my daughter's next birthday.
-
lol
-
:shock: :shock: lol lol
-
.
-
I had to fire my fruit delivery driver today.
I had to let the mango but he was driving me bananas.
:groan:
-
How very one-grapefruit of you. Apple my weight more than the pear of ewe now you'll have to orange another driver.
-
Depends on what Celery he wants.
-
I 'ave Ocado deliver mine.
-
cheer up, don't dis-pear
-
Plums!
-
.
-
I'm convinced my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapons collection.
She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
-
I've got a bottle of milk in the fridge that's seen two Prime Ministers & two Monarchs & is still within it's sell by date
-
You must have got that from Crown Dairies.
Gold Top is it?
-
.
-
"I spy with my little eye something beginning with A."
King Harold, Hastings .
1066
-
Can anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here about a week back?
-
THE THREE UNWRITTEN RULES IN LIFE:
1.
2.
3.
-
I told my mate my new dog only responds to commands in a foreign language.
He said, “Español?”
I replied, “No, he’s a Poodle.”
-
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who stood by the fire and melted?
-
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen the mall.
-
Did you know the full name for a T-shirt is Tyrannosaurus shirt?
Named due to the short arms.
-
Here's another one .....
-
I didn't know F1 had subtitles
-
As a little time has passed...
-
The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Environment Canada Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood !'
-
I've just got a job as senior director at Old Macdonald's Farm.
I'm the CIEIO
-
I swallowed a dictionary yesterday and it gave the thesaurus throat I've ever had.
-
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head ...?
Sister-Matic ...
-
All flights to and from John Lennon Airport have been cancelled.
Imagine all the people...
-
Back in the stone age the Alphabet had only 25 letters. Noboby knew why.
-
What's the difference between a smartly dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire!
-
I'm not sure if I can cope much longer with my other half turning vegan: her getting up at 5am to milk the almonds is really affecting my sleep.
-
Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll ...?
Because Ken came in a different box .. :grin:
-
British forces Deploy in Afghanistan;
Army, what's your mission ?
Deploy from the helicopter, taking hold of the area, put up our tents.
Marine, what's your mission ?
Deploy from the ship to the helicopter, then to the ground, taking hold of the area, put up our tents.
RAF, what's your mission ?
Well, I’m trying to work out why there’s a tent in my hotel room !!!
-
One for bigpie
-
Today my wife says I'm immature and that we should set aside one day to talk and discuss our future.......
Like that's going to happen in the middle of the conker season!
-
Why do ships have portholes on the starboard side?
-
Because there are Klingons on the starboard bow.
-
Never heard of Klingons round a porthole...
-
If it's the Clingon's round mines a Port. Olé
-
because portholes let those below deck see they are in port... and ships dock both sides.. so nothing to do with left or right just holes you see port through.... I realise this is not funny
-
You're right. That's not funny :neen:
-
Get a BIKE Tusker, you'll see things so much better..........
-
Did you hear about the cross eyed circumciser ...?
He got the sack ....
-
Well said Tusker. Everyone should take every opportunity to learn.
-
One for MMXXII.
-
Yesterday I warned my children about using their whistle inside the house and gave them one last chance.
Unfortunately they blew it!
-
I’ve just found out that they won’t be making 12” rulers any longer...
-
There's a programme on TV tonight all about the road I live on.
I'm very excited and looking forward to it.
It's right up my street!
-
I'm gutted. I've recently completed my human cannonball training and after putting in months of hard work I've just been informed that I'm getting fired this afternoon!
-
Went to the annual campanologists party the other night.
We had a right good old ding dong.
-
Yuk.
-
I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."
I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.
She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."
-
This is not aimed to be political... more pointing out everyone can add to wikipedia but it has to be verified.
It changed 5 mins later.
-
With the cost of living crisis I've come up with an idea to generate some cash on Halloween.
-
Gone in the first wave, it's not bolted down.
-
I now identify as a can of deodorant and before you ask,
Yes I'm sure.
-
As of today I am going to identify as a donkey..
My pronouns are he/haw.
-
I had a dream last night that I was vacuuming with the Grim Reaper
I was Dyson with death...
-
A friend of mine was very successful but in the end, a victim of his own success...
His trophy cabinet fell on top of him.
-
I've been having recurring nightmares that I'm a horse.
That's five nights on the trot now.
-
I've just bought myself a blindfold, I don't know why because I'll never see myself wearing it.
-
I’m going to write a novel set on an allotment…
I just need to find a decent plot…
-
Is the tomb of Karl Marx a communist plot?
-
.
-
.
-
.
-
Now that the clocks have gone back, I’ve put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music.
Is this the winter of my disco tent?
-
I jumped into a taxi this morning, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"
Me: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a bloke who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Me: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing bloke."
Me: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Me: "Wow. Some bloke then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Me: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died... - I'm married to his fecking widow."
-
Treason?
-
Money is a bit tight, so I'm not buying any apples this Halloween.
That should save me a bob or two...
-
I’ll be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.
Sod the ships.
My lighthouse........my rules.
-
I had great success in the work-wear fashion competition this year,
I was the overall winner.
-
Hearing aid for sale.
Give me a shout if you're interested.
-
Busy today Mick?
-
Not had time to scratch my arse Martin! :grin:
Here's one for you.............
I applied for a job as a microbiologist but was told that I'm too tall.
-
I just went to a fancy dress shop to buy a Dracula outfit for Halloween.
The owner gave me a BMW GS shirt.
I said "I'm sorry, but I think you must have misheard me. I said I wanted to look like a Count"
-
"Who's your favourite vampire?"
"That one from Sesame Street."
"He doesn't count!"
"I'm pretty sure he does just that."
-
I opened the door to a trick or treater last night who was wearing a Gloria Gaynor mask
At first I was afraid............
-
I won gold medal at the weather forecasting championships today.
In fact, I beat the reigning champion.
-
That's a pour joke.
-
Thanks Hugo. We will now have to prepare for a deluge of rain related jokes.
-
.
-
Reports are coming in that Boy George has been attacked by a reptile in I'm A Celebrity.
It should have been a calmer Chameleon, but they come and go.
-
That's a 'Canogo Dragon' joke Mr Nick....... :)
-
Boy George said to the reptile "do you really want to hurt me?" And the reptile said "too right"
-
Next time you're in a restaurant confuse the staff (if they're under 40) when they ask "Would you like to see the specials?" by saying "Only if they sing Ghost Town."
-
My wife said the other day "I think the washing machine has shrunk my jeans", "more like the fridge" was my reply...
-
I've nearly finished my degree in sandwich fillings…
I do my final eggs ham tomorrow.
If I pass , I'll get lettuce after my name ...
BLT ..
-
Warning!! I paid the £4 it was really boring.
-
You're Ever Ready with the bad jokes Mick.
-
You should be charged Martin
-
Or put in a cell. :icon_wink:
-
That's a bit negative. :grin:
-
Assault and battery
-
Time will tell if you remain positive +
-
Come on lads. The original joke was bad enough, but the subsequent posts have been worse. Enough now or I’ll have to charge you.
-
That's a shocking suggestion.
-
I have a pile of dead batteries here if anyone want's them ? Completely free of charge...
-
2112, in french a 'pile' is a small battery! Did you know your joke was bi-lingual? :grin:
-
If I have to rank all these excellent replies, then they are all either AA or AAA.
-
I think this joke is now terminal...
-
Are you positive?
-
I'm starting to feel some resistance to the way this joke is directing, we may have to alternate ?
-
Don’t be so negative.
-
Haven't you lot got any Ohms to go to.
-
I’m losing any capacity to go on.
-
The replies to this just keep accumulating.
-
What's the Five most important items on your bike?
A battery.
That's a good start.
-
Down to earth humour or watt?
-
Currently I have read nothing that hasn't make me smile. Pylon the jokes and wire them to the thread.
-
Could I cable them instead ?
-
I can't resistor good joke.
-
Sorry to interrupt the current flow of jokes...
-
What do you call a person who keeps saying "what" all the time.
A Megawatt.
-
That bear technically isn't in the woods.
-
Sp-arse woodland.
-
Not really related but a loose side story, I hear you're swapping toilet rolls for eggs in the UK......... lol
-
Haven't tried that, can't imagine it'd be as effective.
Although Stalllone had three sea shells....
-
We sure are, that's the last vegan omelette I'll ever order....
-
That's because nobody swaps Toilet Roll for garlic.
-
No shortage of garlic Martin. :grin:
To be fair we had another run on the petrol pumps yesterday because the government ended their subsidy on fuel today by two thirds so everyone (not me though) queued up to 'top up'. Relief, no queues today........ :shrug:
-
I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese.
She was a cracker.
-
Did you take her to the Ritz?
-
Did you take her up the Cheddar Gorge? :shock:
-
Something something, Wookie Hole..........
-
Or….did you Gorge on her Cheddar!
-
I'm looking to buy an old lighthouse.
Nothing flashy mind .
-
With the cost of energy nowadays, I would be wanting to sell the light house.
:dl_hyperhysteria: Comes to mind.
-
Blindingly expensive......
-
Not to mention the price of stair carpet.
-
Why is it called a lighthouse anyway? They usually weigh about 800 tons.
-
I hear Simply Red have teamed up with Budweiser to release the official Qatar World Cup Football anthem.
“Holding back the beers”.
-
My wife and I met on a website for dolphin impersonators.
We clicked straight away… :smirk:
-
I met a Dalek in the pub who claimed he was from Devon so I asked him “Whereabouts in Devon are you from mate ?”
He replied “EXETER MATE! EXETER MATE!”
-
I've just heard they're not making 12" rulers any longer.
-
'I' before 'E' except after..........
'Old McDonald Had a Farm'
-
Old Mick Barbel had a breakfast, E I E I O.
-
I lost a job at my local bank on my first day...!
A lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over....
-
I was walking past the butchers yesterday and I saw the sign 'Turkey £29'. Amazing, that's over £300 less than TUI...
-
I was staying at a hotel in London and asked the receptionist if I could have a wake up call. He said certainly sir, most people think you're a twat...
-
I rang the Mrs on the way back home from work and said 'do you want me to pick up fish & chips on the way home'? She just mumbled down the phone.
I think she really regrets letting me name the twins...
-
The Mrs texted me earlier to say she was in casualty. I watched all 50 mins of it and never saw her once. She still hasn't come home yet and I'm getting hungry...
-
My mate used to be addicted to flashing his backside in public...
But that was many moons ago.
-
I went to the doctors yesterday wearing creased clothes.
He says I have an iron deficiency.
-
I asked my Dad ..... "Can you explain a solar eclipse to me?"
He said ..... "No sun"
-
I went to the doctors and told him I feel like a pair of curtains.
He said, "Pull yourself together."
-
I ran to the doctors the other day, burst into his consultation room unannounced and said ' the domino club are sick of me always winning and have stuffed all the dominoes up my arse, you'll have to help me'. 'Don't you ever knock' replied the doctor...
-
I went to the Doctors and said, "I think I'm a dog."
The Doctor said, "How long have you been thinking that?"
I said, "Ever since I was a puppy!"
-
Then they sent you to a shrink, who told you to lie on the couch? " I'm not allowed on furniture"?
-
I told the shrink I wanted his wife, he said "how low can you get ?". I said " chihuahua!".
-
There’s a constant ticking sound in the street where I live…
I think it could be the neighbourhood watch.
-
I’m only into female singers that had hits before 1983.
I’m a pre Madonna.
-
My friend David had his ID stolen, now we just call him Dav.
-
I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today...at least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.
-
My 8 year old grandson was very proud to show me the phone he created with 2 metal cans and a string.
So I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's great, but look what kids your age in China can make."
-
I pulled a sickie the other day ....
Its one of the perks of working in a hospital... :icon_wink:
-
I use to date a parachutist with IBS ...
She shat on me from a great height.. !!
-
Sorry but it made me laugh
-
Getting old is when, working on your bike, it takes longer to get up or down than it does to do whatever it was you're getting up and down to do. :old:
-
Yes, that IS a really bad joke.
Happy Christmas Brockett
-
Just be thankful you still remember what it was you spent all that time getting down there to do....
-
Too much? ..... :shy:
-
I failed my ventriloquist exam…
I can't say I'm surprised.
-
I went to the chip shop and asked for a jumbo sausage, she said, "It won’t be long."
I said, "It bloody better be!"
-
I hear that anger management courses are becoming all the rage.
-
I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Christmas. "Just some chocolate and a little surprise." she said.
Kinder egg it is then!
-
I was standing on the scales in the bathroom this morning when the Mrs stuck her head around the door. "Sucking Your belly in won't help, you'll still be the same weight" she said. "Yes", I replied "but it's the only way I can see the dial"...
-
My son has been chewing electric wires, what should I do?
Ground him until he conducts himself properly!
-
My wife has told me to get more in touch with my feminine side . So I've crashed the car, and haven't talked to her for the rest of the day .
-
I was on ‘Who wants to be a millionaire’
I was stuck on a question ..........
Name a 1984 film staring Bill Murray, Dan Aykroid and Rik Moranis
I asked if I could call a friend.
Jeremy Clarkson said
"Who you going to call?"
-
It has to be cold. Today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pocket.😂
-
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
-
.
-
.
-
.
-
My wife told me she's been doing yoga every day when I'm at work. I said "Every day? That's a bit of a stretch"
-
Every morning this week I've spent 15 minutes scraping the global warming off my windscreen...
-
Yes, I'm piling logs onto the fire to combat the effects.
-
I don't care if it was autocorrect: this is what you asked me to get...
-
.
-
So, so frustratingly true :dl_smiley_banghead:
-
When there's snow the Snowmen visit and as it warms they swim away.
-
I paid a carpenter cash to build us a bespoke double bed. Now I've found out he's done a bunk.
It's just one thing on top of another!
-
Do Songbirds get mad with Hummingbirds because they don't know the words?
-
At Christmas I got together with a few close friends. There was Lee, Mary, Bing, Don and myself.
Or to put it another way, Bing, Don, Mary, Lee and I...
-
Me and the wife made love for 3 hours last night.
We role played...
I was the doctor and she was the patient.
I kept her in the waiting room for 2 hours 58 mins .. :grin:
-
At least she got an appointment.
-
I see Sunak is suggesting kids should study maths until they're 18.
I think that's ridiculous, I studied maths until I was 16 and got by just fine.
What difference would another three years have made?
-
.
-
.
-
I’m developing a mind controlled air freshener.
It makes scents when you think about it.
-
My New Year resolution is going really well. No Chocolates. Not even thinking about Chocolate.
The word is not even in my vocadbury.
-
I haven't kept up my subscription to the Scrabble Club.
Now they've started sending me threatening letters.
-
I've got a grandson, he can't say "please" in Spanish..?
That's real poor for 4 , don't you think ..?
-
.
-
.
-
My grandson is four years old and he can't say please in Spanish.
That's poor for four isn't it?
-
Now that's funny Mick.
Or at least it was.
When Kwackboy posted it.
On Monday.
lol
-
lol I even liked kwackboy's post!! :icon_exclaim:
-
just don't repeat your own post twice
-
just don't repeat your own post twice
-
Apologies to anyone who may have posted this recently! :)
I tried to organise a Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
-
I hear Prince William is the new Knock Down Ginger World Champion.
Mick - Feel free to post this yourself in a couple of days.
-
Thanks Martin. But could you delete your post in a few days so I don't look like a complete t*at again? :shy:
-
What's grey and can't swim up stream?
A breeze block
Well you asked :)
-
Mick - I could always edit Kwackboy's post to say that you will post something really funny in a couple of days.
:grin:
-
Is there copyright infringement here somewhere?
If so Mick, you can pay me in breakfasts.. :icon_wink:
-
What did the Egg say to the boiling water ..?
"I don't know if I can get hard because I got laid this Morning" 🥚
-
you can pay me in breakfasts.. :icon_wink:
Next time you're up this way. But you can drop the 's' from breakfast(s) :grin:
-
breakfats?
-
Breakfat ... about right.. 🤣
-
Very good brocket but after I posted I did go back & edit to put the brackets around the 's' in question because I knew someone would 'try & be clever'. :grin:
-
.
-
.
-
.
-
Admiral Nelson was only 5'6" and his statue in Trafalgar Square is 16'6", that's horatio of 3:1.
-
Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of a nightclub was not a bouncer
-
lol ..... sorry but that was funny!
-
lol classic..!!
-
BREAKING NEWS!
A large storm has blown the roof off a French cheese factory...
There's de brie everywhere.
-
Some good ones there.
-
What have Hookworms, Lice, Ringworm and The Eiffel Tower got in common?
They're all Paris sites.
-
I took some roadkill I hit home to barbecue for dinner.
On a related note... anyone have any use for a child's bicycle and backpack?
-
:shock: :shock: :shock:
lol lol lol
-
90% of all Electric Vehicles are still on the road today....
The other 10% made it all the way home.
:grin:
-
Hmmmm Sausage Rolls.
-
The wife & myself went to Specsavers today for eye tests. We were told we both needed glasses.
What happens now? ......... well we'll see.
-
https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/175BadJokes-7.jpg?resize=768,768
-
True :lala:
-
Has anyone got a user manual for a wife? Mines making a Whining sound.
-
@Brockett.....know what you mean, mines suspension has gone a bit saggy and she needs a general all round lube :smirk:
-
Brocket.. they all do that
-
Give her your bank card. It's like medicine to a lady. :whistle:
-
.
-
Tis' but a scratch.
-
Looks armless enough.
Perhaps he's just limbering up.
:smirk:
-
I’ve done a survey on how people walk home from the pub.
The results are staggering
-
.
-
I got thrown out of Mime Club yesterday...
It must have been something I said.
-
.
-
Don't bother Mr Nick....if it isn't a 'U' or or better an 'S' measure you're wasting your time. :whistle:
-
Just had some great financial news, and it couldn’t have come at a better time with the cost of living crisis.
The kid I sponsored in Africa has been eaten by a lion.
-
lol :shock: lol :shock: lol :shock:
-
Well at least the Lion will sleep well tonight.
In the Jungle the mighty Jungle the Lion eats tonight...
I'll get me coat. :smirk:
-
BREAKING NEWS!
Explorers have discovered what is thought to be the world’s largest bedsheet.
More on this story as it unfolds
-
Since it's that day...
Roses are red
Violets Are blue
So goes the age old rhyme
But I know that
Violet's are red and Rose's are blue
I've seen them hanging on the line
-
There are drunk bikers. There are old bikers. There are NO old, drunk bikers.
The wind was so strong last night I really struggled to light my cigarette. Eventually, after 20 minutes of trying, I gave in and stopped my motorbike on the hard shoulder.
-
you needed a hard shoulder to cry on?
-
This is why I need a hard shoulder.....
-
.
-
.
-
For sale: Muhammad Ali DVD set and a George Foreman Grill.
Both boxed.
-
I had a go at eating a clock today but it was very time consuming,
especially when I went for seconds.
-
I have accused my wife of putting glue on the stocks of my firearms.
She denies it and says it must be someone else.
I say it's her and I'm sticking to my guns!
-
I started a new diet today. The F plan diet's old now, this is the G plan diet. I'm eating furniture. Very filling, I can never finish my suite. And I'm passing some lovely stools.
-
My mate wanted a campervan, so his wife painted his white van pink.
-
.
-
Takes me 5 minutes to walk to my local pub, but 30 minutes to walk home!
The difference is staggering!
-
I got my wife a part time job today, as a human cannonball.
When I told her, she went ballistic.
-
Due to the vegetable shortage our local supermarket are swapping vegetables for books.
That's a Turnip for a book.
-
Back to ration books, I read! lol
-
If you read or listen to the MSM Joe, I called at three of our local supermarkets yesterday (for various reasons, non looking for vegetables by the way) and all the shelves were full, in all three. :thumb:
-
The world doesn't revolve around eggs, bacon and sausages, you know Mick. :icon_wink:
Glad to hear you took the time to do a full inventory on all three. :thumb:
My brothers always tell me there's no problem where they are. :)
-
Joe, eggs are the only thing that can be short at the moment, but that's due to Avian flu. I've always been able to buy them off supermarket shelves if I chose to. But there is a small farm shop down the road who have Hens & they sell their own and they are my preferred choice with a couple of rashers of bacon, sausage, black pudding etc. etc. :icon_wink:
-
The above post is not a joke, it's not humours and I'm not laughing but, it's 0026am and it's making me hungry and I may be making breakfast before bed. Stop it now! :thumb:
-
POLICE NOTICE - Thieves who stole 3 tonnes of Tarmac have now been lying low now for 2 months.
A spokesman for the police said "we expect them to resurface soon"
-
My bike had some kind of problem today.
So I looked around the engine and saw a Female Bat sitting in the Vee.
She said "Hello Sir, you are a handsome man and very nicely dressed too"
I could see the problem straight away!.....
Bat flattery.
-
Flattery? that was a down right lie!
-
Ever heard the expression "blind as a bat"?
-
.
-
Carabou Cup final Newcastle v Man U and all the brewery big shots are there.
Before the game there's a big lunch with guest speaker and pundits giving their opinions then all chairmen of the drinks
companies gather in the bar.
The boss of Budweiser orders a Bud, The boss of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The boss of Corona orders a Corona and so
It continues until the boss of Newcastle Brown orders a Pepsi.
Everyone is taken aback so the boss of Boddingtons says “Aren’t you having a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale”
”No” says Newcastle boss “if you’re all having soft drinks so will I “
-
Bargain!
-
.
-
Journalist to PM: "There's a shortage of vegetables."
PM: "Not in my cabinet!"
-
lol lol
-
https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/12-Short-Jokes-Anyone-Can-Remember-nicole-fornabaio-rd.com_.jpg?resize=1536,1024
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I hate making spelling mistakes when I'm posting because all you have to do is mix up a few letters and your whole joke is urined.
-
When I heard you could donate your sperm by post I came in a jiffy!
-
Just down the road there’s a field on the north side of the valley that never gets any sun. I like to sit there and listen to ‘Tubular Bells’ …..…it’s my cold field.
-
Just finished reading a new book called “Falling off a cliff” by Eileen Dover.
-
Have you seen the book written by her husband, Ben Dover.
-
.....co-wrote with Phil Macavity........ :smirk:
-
Harry was 78 when he went to see his GP and asked for a check-up as he was about to get married to a much younger woman. The following week he went back to his GP to get the report. The GP said he was in good health for a man of his age. Harry asked " will we be able to have children? The GP thougtht for a few seconds and said with a wink " maybe you should consider geting a lodger".
A few months passed and Harry met the GP in the High Street and the GP asked how he was getting on? Harry said "fine fine the wife is three months pregnant" Splendid said the GP "the lodger? Oh! yes said Harry "she's pregnant as well".
-
.
-
There's more .....
-
.
-
.
-
I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you blokes didn't like it. :smirk:
-
Gary Glitter has been recalled to prison after Police raided his accommodation and found class A drugs in the living room, class B in the kitchen, and class 5C in the bedroom.
-
Not really a joke. I live in Devon, it's been raining a lot. I grew up in Liverpool where it rained all the time. Mud wrestling was one of the events on sports day. We were poor too, we would shower in the rain afterwards but we wouldn't dare raise our hand to wash our underarms for fear of being struck by lightning. One of the girls did, she ended up being the brightest girl in the class, only for a split second though.
There was no counselling for the rest of the class back in those days but we did laugh about it for weeks afterwards. I wish mobile phones had been around then, someone may have caught it on camera, it would have gone viral. We were hard in those days too. When I told my Dad about it while eating our tee that night, he spat his cabbage soup all over us, he was laughing so much. But seriously, he was a clever man and ahead of the times. He suggested that if we could have harnessed that power from the lightning it could power the school for ages. :happydance:
When we had sports day, (in November) throwing a ball was an event. I won, I didn't actually throw the ball the furthest but lost direction and smashed the head teacher's greenhouse. It wasn't really his, it was meant for us kids to learn about plants and our goal was to grow sunflowers then make oil out of the seeds but he used it to grow hops and we made beer in the science lesson. We were too young to drink (in school, only in pubs) it but every day he would drink a pint during assembly and told us how good it was. My younger Brother told me that the head teacher had progressed to growing grapes and they then made wine in science. When questioned about it by the school board he told them that Jesus turned water into wine at a wild party one night and what he was doing was a lesson in religious study.
I'll get my coat.
-
Twelve years ago I had my identity stolen. The chap who did it is still in prison. They still think he is me. :whistle:
-
I have to confess, I used to be a very bad man and only just avoided prison on many occasions. I had to change my ways and even changed my job. I wasn't a very good politician anyway.............. It's the way I tellem! :dance:
-
BREAKING NEWS!
A lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night.
Police are currently scouring the area...
-
The Flat Earth Society has world wide appeal. They have members all round the globe.
-
.
-
I used my Donor Card instead of my Credit Card ordering some stuff online.
It cost me an arm and a leg...
-
.
-
I bought a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’...
I opened it up and the appendix was missing.
-
My girlfriend treats me like a god… she ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
-
Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming. :shy:
-
Sexual Innuendo Club
I believe you misspelled :smirk: Inyourendo there :whistle:
-
lol lol lol :thumb:
-
It's the MotoGP, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the track. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the MotoGP and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first MotoGP we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
-
Sportsbikeshop sent this today ( of all days)
-
I came here to post this myself. It has just dropped into my email. I sent a message back suggesting it would be better suited in a 4x4 magazine. lol lol lol
Obviously some people will try to order it and not realise the date, then if they get enough interest they will probably actually start selling it. :thumb:
It reminds me of the Barbour biker jacket that has fake mud on it and is actually for sale.
http://twowheelsplus.blogspot.com/2013/01/fake-mud.html
-
How do you knit a Dalek?
Knit eight, pearl eight, exterminate!
-
What does a knitted Dalek say?
"I crochet!"
-
Mac ra me
-
Oh! no a macrame thread.... I hope knot.
-
Easy to spot the non-knitters - *purl.
-
"Darn it" said Joe Rocket when Rusty pointed out his spelling mistake.
-
Do I detect a bit of needle on here?
-
Eye, but sew what?
-
You lot have me in stitches.
-
Tie a good knot
-
Sorry, I dropped a stitch there..........
lol
-
.
-
A good refuge for a year or two..........
-
They say in every friend group there is one willing to commit murder, so I killed the bloke I suspected most before he could do any harm.
-
.
-
Where's Brian?
Sorry boss he's in hospital.
In hospital? I saw him dancing with Jill from accounts last night
Yes boss, so did his wife.
-
.
-
What time do Spurs kick off ? Asked the Tottenham Hotspur fan. Every 5 minuets replied the Newcastle fan...
-
2112 the son in law (Newcastle supporter) sent me this......... might not be PC but it's still funny! :thumb:
-
Possibly the only sausage you haven't tested Mick.
(That was also non-PC)
-
A Saville-oy?
-
.
-
Possibly the only sausage you haven't tested Mick.
(That was also non-PC)
True, but I did go on Jim'll Fix It & he taught me how to milk a cow blindfolded!
-
Why was the cow blindfolded? Ah I understand. Misread😂😂
-
.
-
Were the ancient Greeks any good at throwing things?
Discuss.........
-
.
-
,
-
.
-
The Artist formerly known as Prince.
-
Purple reign.
-
That's the King of replies there Rusty.
-
If by some bizarre twist of fate and series of unfortunate incidents Andrew became king, would it be perp'll reign?
-
Perv'll Reign.
-
Wife was moaning at me the other night, saying "you never take me anywhere expensive anymore".
I said "right... get your coat"
She said "why... where we going..?"
The petrol station, we need to fill the car ..
She wasn't Impressed... :groan:
-
What do you call two lesbians in a closet ..
A licker cabinet...
-
What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
Anything you like as they won't hear you.
-
.
-
You didn't buy them on May 12, 2023, at 06:51:52 did you?
-
Doh!
In my defence, they were 2nd hand.
-
lol
-
Hope there’s no strings attached
-
After a gruelling two hour car chase the paparazzi finally managed to get away from Harry and Meghan.
-
.
-
Don't try this at home.
-
I am as swift and agile as a gazelle!
An old one;
With arthritis;
Run over by a Land Rover;
8 days ago...
-
.
-
Images of the 2024 model GS being tested have been leaked...
-
should prove more reliable than the current 1250LC lol
-
Limp Home Mode with just one working horse power.
-
Won't be using blinkers, then.
-
The Aussie Cricket Team have been in touch about the Ashes, just to make sure they are not Rolf's.
-
I was so far back in the Dark and Handsome queues that even "The Force" wouldn't help me here.
:groan:
-
I think I get what's she's describing...
-
.
-
.
-
Enjoy this if you are going.
-
Brilliant lol lol
-
What do you call a gay dentist..... ?
The tooth fairy 🧚♀️.
-
My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "
I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.
-
.
-
.
-
Taken straight from an add on Facebook
-
That shoe won't be IPX5.
-
I'm sure this chap used to wear 'em.
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Good News Mr Diver. They have been reduced.
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Ah! yes Gordon Lightoot who passed away on the 1st of May
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Gordy - my all time favourite singer/songwriter! I've been playing his stuff for years.
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Why do all German girls have the same telephone number?
Try asking a few, they'll answer 9 9 9 9.
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Last night just before I fell asleep 10 times I said "I want to look younger".
When I woke up I had a bad case of acne
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To whomever stole my Microsoft office, I will find you.
You have my Word...
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My grandson asked his dad why teenagers get a spotty face. His dad said " It's facial braille so blind people can understand why they are being so bloody unreasonable
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Too soon .. ?
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What did Spartacus do when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing, he was Gladiator.
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I've decided to kill of a few characters in the book I'm writing: it should spice up my autobiography quite nicely...
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Without nipples breasts would be pointless.
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What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
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Why are there so many planes at the bottom of our seas, but not one submarine in the sky?
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What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino?
El-if-I-know... :shrug:
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The FDA have just approved a new drug for depressed lesbians, Tricoxagen
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I have managed to successfully weigh a rainbow.
Turns out it's pretty light.
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She came from Greece, she had a faulty socket,
Her eye fell out and she couldn't stop it,
That's when I, do do do-do do do do, caught her eye.
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Shakespeare. Did he write his plays in pencil?
2B or not 2B, that is the question.
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Do you know how much a chicken pie costs in Jamaica? £2.25. Whereas a beef pie in Barbados costs £3.50. Trinidad and Tobago apple pies are only £1.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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Once upon a time there was three bears
Mummy bear
Daddy bear
and little Fred bear ( his fur was wearing out)
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I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees.
He counted and gave me 13.
“Sir, you gave me an extra."
"That's a freebie."
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I live at number 13 and wanted to buy some big sticky numbers for my Wheelie Bin.
Fortunately the shop had a buy one, get one three deal.
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I was promised cash for showing my nipples.....
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Bleeding ell .. :shock:
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What a shame that Robinsons and Wimbledon have ended their 86-year-long partnership. Apparently, the split was cordial.
I got a new pair of motorbike gloves today, but they’re both lefts which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
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I think I know how the war against the machines starts: I just dropped some popcorn on the floor & the Roomba beat me to it... ###
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If you are going to start learning X country skiing.......choose a small country !
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Chinese takeaway: £25.00
Petrol to get there: £2.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes........Riceless.
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A man was riding his motorcycle through the border of Germany and Austria every week carrying 2 bags filled with sand.
The border guard, an older man, searched both bags every time, but never found anything so he let him through. This goes on for a couple of months until the border guard had his last day before retirement. Again the man comes to the boarder, both bags filled with sand. The guard asks him: "Look man, today is my last day. I know you are smuggling SOMETHING so please tell me, I won't bust you. I'm dying of curiosity since I never seem to find anything in the bags." The man grins and says:
"I'm smuggling motorcycles."
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I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window
I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I’d done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed “Thank you.”, obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
Don’t blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.
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My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle. I rode on, ruthlessly. :happydance:
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"I wasn't particularly close to my dad when he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine"
_____________________________________________________
A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."
The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.
The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
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Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"
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..
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Today I went to put air into the car tyres. It cost me £1!
Not long ago it was 50p. Before that it was 20p.
I suppose that's inflation for you?
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I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice
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I see
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I love "technically true" jokes, like:
If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.
Or
Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?
Or
There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
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🤣
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They never read them, they just looked at the pictures. lol
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Did you know Luke and Chewie met at school?
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Does anyone know if it is possible to donate buttock skin to a non-relative for a graft?
Arse skin for a friend...
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I may not be that good looking, or athletic, or funny, or talented, or smart
I have forgot where I was going with this, but I do know that I love bacon.
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As I'm not a guitar player I had to google it! :whistle:
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To be fair, the chord joke depends on what tuning you're using on Your geetar...
It's better than the periodic table one though, with its make-believe elements...
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I've just received my permit to harvest shrimp in the Atlantic.
Now I've got a licence to Krill.
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I went to the doctors to seek help about my addiction of shoplifting electronic items from Currys.
He told me to keep taking the tablets.
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I love curry but have never found anything electrical in one.
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I just raised a case of medical negligence against a cross-eyed circumcisor.
He got the sack.
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I met a transvestite in the pub last night, he lives in Greater Manchester,
I know that because he had a Wigan address.
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It's all about the bass.
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I went to the doctors & told him I had a hearing problem in my left ear.
He said, "are you sure?"
I said, "yes, I'm definite."
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I don't believe in reincarnation.
What's the point of coming back as a tin of milk?
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10!
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Cowboys in the old west used to hang lanterns on their saddles at night to help them find their way home.
It was a form of saddle light navigation.
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Not a joke but I had a little 125 Kawasaki and after painting had decals made "WAKASAKI screecher" it made me laugh. :)
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Josh...
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MR. MUFFDIVER Thank you for making me laugh. I was in Port Talbot from Devon today, collecting my new (to me) bike if I had realised you lived there I would have invited you for a coffee. Next time :thumb:
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I've got piles and piles of ironing to do.
I don't know which is worse.
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Fancy a Chinese
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A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The marine shouted, "Hello, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Enlistment Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." he replied "Oh? And what does your father do?" asked the doctor The recruit responded "He's in the Army, sir."
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I bought a new thesaurus today.
It's OK but nothing to write house about.
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Do you need a current driving licence to drive an electric vehicle?
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Since I've been told I have a cancerous tumour I think I can now post a few jokes about it without fear of offending ? :thumb:
https://static.wixstatic.com/media/b974d0_f89f37c224e84299ac6f2d44e9d66b59~mv2.jpg/v1/fit/w_438,h_552,q_90/b974d0_f89f37c224e84299ac6f2d44e9d66b59~mv2.webp
Have you heard the saying “Smoking causes cancer?”
But it cures salmon.
How did the terminal cancer patient do in school?
He passed.
How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb?
1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was.
Ps My oncologist is gorgeous I can't wait to see her again, it feels like a date. :smirk: This isn't a joke. :thumb:
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Went to Motorcycle Live at the NEC today and left a deposit on a new bike. The salesman said not to worry as it will probably brush off once it dries.
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I make love to my wife almost everyday of the week. Lucky me ?
Almost Monday....almost Tuesday....almost Wednesday.............. :shy:
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A man went to the pet shop to buy a parrot. One was marked down and much less expensive than the others so he inquired about that one. He was told the bird had a very foul mouth. He bought the parrot anyway thinking he could cure the surly bird.
He tried everything he could think of but the bird continually cussed him out. One day out of frustration he threw the parrot into the freezer.
Feeling remorse he opened the freezer door to let his bird out. The bird sheepishly apologised, and then asked, "By the way, sir, what did the turkey do?"
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I used to be a member of a secret cooking society.
They kicked me out for spilling the beans.
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I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop...
He’s not perfect & doesn't get them all correct...
But he knows the drill.
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I bought one of those Smart light switches but it was too clever for me.
So I exchanged it for a Dimmer switch.
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My new invention will be a mind controlled air freshener.
It makes scents when you think about it.
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I just found out that I didn't win the Window Cleaner of the year award.
Think I was a victim of a smear campaign.
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And my Christmas one................................
What does Santa give Rudolph and the other Reindeer for lunch?
Half an hour like all his other workers.
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Childish Christmas jokes for the young at heart.
What's a snowman's favourite food? Chili!
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered!
What happens to naughty elves? They get the sack!
What do you call an old snowman? A puddle!
What does Santa eat for breakfast? Mistle toast!
What's red, white, and blue at Christmas time? A sad candy cane!
Why does this turkey taste like an old sofa? I thought you liked stuffing!
When is a boat just like snow? When it's adrift!
How do you scare a snowman? With a hairdryer!
Why is everyone so thirsty at the North Pole? No well, no well!
What is the most competitive season? Win-ter!
Merry Christmas all. :thumb:
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Another Christmas related one..............
& for the pedants out there.....yes I know it's not the Bayeux Tapestry. :)
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Christmas chuckle
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People who use the wrong words & spellings should have the humidity to admit it.
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What do you call a female sharpshooter?
Amy.
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Amy is a funny name for a female sharpshooter but this girl really was one.
Lyudmila Pavlichenko, a Russian Red Army soldier dubbed 'Lady Death'. Pavlichenko was trained as a sharpshooter and sent to fight on the frontline in 1941, aged 25.
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I can't stand those designer clothes with the little crocodile embroidered on.
That's right, I'm Lacoste intolerant.
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This made me laugh out loud
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Seeing the previous joke reminded me that ....
Many years ago we had dog. I called him Kipper because he slept a lot and stank the house out (not really but Mum in law suggested "King" or "Prince" and I wasn't having that) he was a shortstock border collie type and a most determined crotch sniffer.
Out shopping I had to keep him on a short lead or he'd be right up any stationary backside. One day, in the local bank I was stood back off the person at the counter in front. I held the lead short and wagged a finger at him saying "sit". He looked up with that guilty looking, out of the top corner of his eyes and toungue hanging half out etc. Anyway the customer in front was being dealt with when a woman in a pink trouser suit walked into the bank and stood in front of me as If I wasn't there. Pah! I let the lead go slack and looked away. That dog rammed his nose between the tight trousers buttocks with enough force to lift her off her feet and wow did she scream. I had no choice but to shout at her to "get away from my dog", "why are you pushing in".
" I am standing in the queue and you have frightened my dog". Everyone looked around and she decided to leave while I knelt down by Kipper and gave him a hug "good boy". I know Kipper had a wet nose but her trousers were quite a lot damper than could be attributed to him.
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The irony.
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I'm going to start 'dry January' tonight - wish me luck...
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I bet you've already failed! lol
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A scarecrow has received an award for being 'Upstanding in his Field'.
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I've just read a very promising book titled 'The Anticlimax'. The first half was good.........
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Do you remeber that game 'Operation' we used to ask Father Christmas for? You'll have to wait three years now for it now.......... :whistle:
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Did you ever have to stay indoors at school when it rained and do 'wet play'? And when it was cold you had to listen to a dull band.....?
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It didn't rain when I was a kid
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Was that called the Mesolithic era?
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of course not we couldn't even spell skool
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I'm lost since we called children baby goats.....
Are you the one Cold Play fan then Brockett? lol
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What is cold play?
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It took me a couple of reads to get the last joke. I'm getting old. :thumb:
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What is cold play?
A bit like CosPlay but without the heat... :groan:
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Three cheers for young folk as they mostly pay for my pension even though their language and reference points are a complete mystery.
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I got hit in the face by a drill today.
Everything was fine, and then
*Bosch*!
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A white horse walks into a bar and asks for a whisky. Barman says “What would you like? We've got Bells, Teachers, Jameson, Bushmills, we've even got one named after you”.
Horse says “What, Eric?"
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One day at school my teacher asked me if I'd like to take the Guinea Pig home and of course I said yes.......
7 months later I got to New Guinea.......
lol
(credit: Milton Jones)
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I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard two spring onions singing a Bee Gees song.
But when I opened the door it was just the chives talking.
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Now this is Photoshopped.
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What about this one?
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Not bad Mick, but what about this one?
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I have an Aunt Margaret, Auntie Marj. we call her. She's been ill for so long we can't believe she's not better.....
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^^ is there no level of 'Bad jokes' that is too bad?^^
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No
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I worked with a young lady who when referring to her sister she called her "Butter Legs". She said she spread them as often as butter. Honestly. :roll:
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Taken from the internet but these are some funny one liners. :grin:
What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse.
• What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here. I’ll go on a head.
• What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.
• What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.
• What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?
A parrot.
• Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
• What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
• What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.
• Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away.
• What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison.
• What is an astronaut’s favourite part on a computer?
The space bar.
• Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?
Because it was cultured.
• What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
• Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
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These bikes are shi.....
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I've just done an online speeding course.
I was on Zoom.
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Sorry not a joke but ... I just read a headline - a police office assualted an inspector he found having sex with his wife in a SCREWFIX car park.
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Yes, saw that. Made me snigger like a 4th former.
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I ordered a chicken and an egg online.
I’ll let you know what comes first.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
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Have you tried blindfolded archery? You ought to, you don't know what you're missing.......
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Found a great site online that sells sausages.....I'll send you a link.
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.
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We've just eaten our Christmas dinner.
I don't think these slow cookers are as good as they're made out to be.
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I always give my bike hay. It improves horse power. :lala:
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...and it's green
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A man went to the Doctor's with a sore bottom.
"Where exactly is it sore?" asked the Doctor.
"Around the entrance," replied the man "what do you think?"
"I think it will sore for as long as you call it an entrance" said the Doctor.
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Not really a joke but,
The motorcyclist.
“He starts the game with a full pot o’ luck and an empty pot o’ experience... The object is to fill the pot of experience before you empty the pot of luck.” :thumb:
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Get one of there to remove those unnecessary (and cheap looking) Leia's of black paint from your bike frames.
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My half brother and I aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws any more.
-
I went to my local bookshop yesterday and asked,
"Do you have the book called 'Dealing with constant disappointment'?"
"No" she replied...
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I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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I just realised the smart watch I bought was fake.
It records my steps whenever I walk.
It's a counterfeet watch.
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My therapist said he can help me get over my fear of buffets.
But first, I've got to want to help myself.
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In response to Rusty Nuts challenge for really bad jokes. :shrug:
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Rumours of a food shortage at this years Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies.
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What's red and comes at you from all four corners,
Quadraphonic rhubarb.
Sorry.
Ho Hum
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What's red and smells like blue paint,
Red paint.
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Did you know being a binman needs no training,
They pick it up as they go along.
-
In my job interview he says "can you perform under pressure "
No ,I say, but I do a great Bohemian Rhapsody.
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I contacted the local council to ask if I could have a skip outside the house.
I got a reply back saying "Go ahead, you could do with the exercise, you fat bastard!"
-
I wondered what Rossi was doing now.
This was today at work the sheep with their lambs, when I went to take the picture the lamb moved off but I think you will see what I am on about 🤣
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Did you know that Stevie Nicks turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner?
She didn't want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.
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What’s the difference between The Invisible Man and the England football team? You’ve got more chance of seeing The Invisible Man at the World Cup Finals! :whistle:
Sad but true but I hope I'm wrong.
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A lady recently gave birth to identical twins. She named one of the children Juan and the other Emol.
Through the years, when someone asked to see a picture of the twins, she invariably would only show a picture of one child.
This confused some folks and many would ask why show just one picture when you have two children?
The answer is simple she said, “When you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Emol!!”
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OK, I Apologise in advance for this one. It's a proper groaner but, surprisingly, I've not come across it before but it absolutely belongs in this section! So, without further ado, for your delectation and pleasure, the pinnacle of mirth, the guru of glee, the epitome of amusement, the one, the only:
There was a wealthy man in San Diego who was an avid bird collector. He had a huge collection of live birds. Every species on Earth was present in his collection.
One day, while browsing through a used book store in Oregon, he ran across a beautifully illustrated book on birds that he'd never seen before, so he bought it. And that evening, back in his hotel, he was reading through his new book when he was astonished to come across an entry for a bird he never heard of before, the world famous and very rare Rarey Bird. Amazed, he read the entry carefully, and learned that the Rarey Bird can only be found in the jungle on the West Coast of Africa.
The excited collector immediately checked out of his hotel, took a cab to Portland International Airport, and flew non-stop to New York. He booked a first class cabin on a ship to the west coast of Africa. On his arrival, he hired a safari and plunged deep into the jungle on the west coast of Africa. And there, deep in the jungle, he booked a room at the Explorers Club.
That evening, he was having a drink in the bar at the Explorers Club, when he happened to meet a friend who had been in the same biology class with him as an undergrad. They started chatting, his friend told him what he'd been up to, and the collector explained about his journey to find the Rarey Bird.
“I'm sorry to tell you this," said his friend, “but your book is wrong. The Rarey Bird is not found in the jungles on the west coast of Africa. The Rarey Bird can only be found in the jungles on the east coast of Africa.”
The next morning, the collector checked out of the Explorers Club, took his safari, and set out into the jungle. Across the jungles of west Africa. Across the dense jungles of central Africa. And deep into the jungle of east Africa. There, he stopped off at a large trading post to seek directions from a local guide.
“I'm sorry to tell you this,” the guide said, "but your friend was misinformed. The Rarey Bird is not located in the jungles of east Africa. In fact, it cannot be found on the African continent at all. The Rarey Bird can only be found in the innermost part of Inner Mongolia.”
Undaunted, the collector assembled his safari, and set off through the jungles of East Africa, making his way to the coast. There, he booked passage on a steamship to China. Upon his arrival, he hired a caravan, and set off across the Chinese continent to Outer Mongolia, across the desert sands of Outer Mongolia to Inner Mongolia, across the burning sands of the deserts of Inner Mongolia, until he reached the innermost part of Inner Mongolia. And there, he was surprised to run into an archaeologist friend who had been in the same fraternity in college, who was in the innermost part of Inner Mongolia conducting a dig. The collector told his old friend what he was doing in Inner Mongolia.
“I'm sorry to tell you this," the archaeologist friend said, "but the guide was very misinformed. Probably drunk. The Rarey Bird is not located in Inner Mongolia, or anywhere in Asia at all. The Rarey Bird can only be found in South America, in the part of the rainforest that lies deep in the deepest part of the Amazon River Valley.”
So the collector bid his old fraternity brother adieu, took his caravan back across the burning sands of the deserts of Inner Mongolia, back across the deserts of Outer Mongolia, back across the Chinese continent, to a seaport. There, he booked passage on the first available ship bound for South America. Immediately he arrived, he hired a safari, and they plunged into the jungle and down, down, down deep into the Amazon River Valley rainforest. And there, deep in the deepest part of the Amazon River Valley, he happened to encounter – an old Rarey Bird hunter.
The old Rarey Bird hunter informed him, that yes, indeed, the Rarey Bird is found deep in the deepest part of the Amazon River Valley rainforest. And he told him about the Rarey Bird. It does not fly – it runs. It runs through the rainforest alongside the Amazon River. Rarey Birds always run in the same places along the Amazon River, forming paths through the rainforest. These are known by the locals as “Rarey Bird paths.”
The Rarey Bird hunter explained the method for catching a Rarey Bird. He said that what you do is go out into the rainforest and find a fresh Rarey Bird path. Then you tie a string around a tree on one side of the path, and hide behind a tree on the opposite side of the path. When a Rarey Bird comes running down the path, you lift up the string, the Rarey Bird trips on the string, and you jump up and grab him.
Well, the collector went out into the rainforest and did all that, and he got his Rarey Bird!
But, man, that's a long way to trip a Rarey!
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Moderator, kick him out :groan:
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I've not heard that joke for years, still shite mind... :crazy:
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Radio silence for months, and he comes barging in with this!
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A mate has 2 tickets for the England v Netherlands game on Wednesday.
He paid £360 each, including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. 😦
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Guildford Registry Office, at 3pm. The bride's name is Sarah -- she's 5'7" and quite attractive.
Pm for more details.
Come on England! 🏴 ⚽️🏴⚽️ 😁😁
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BREAKING NEWS:.
A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop.
Doctors have said he should be OK, but he's not out of the woods yet......
-
Radio silence for months, and he comes barging in with this!
Sorry Rusty - I was going to say 'I'll get me coat' but this is the REALLY Bad jokes corner and I think that giant turd qualifies more than adequately :grin:
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A new zoo just opened up in town, but the owners could only afford one animal - a small dog.
It's a shih tzu.
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A veterinarian was at home one evening when he got a frantic call from one of his clients, an elderly woman.
“Help me, doctor! My two dogs are having sex in the middle of the kitchen! How can I get them to stop?”
“Try picking up the male dog and putting him in another room.”
Five minutes later she calls back.
“Doctor, please help! I did what you said and he got out of my grasp. They’re back to having sex in the middle of the kitchen!”
“Get a bucket, fill it with cold water and dump it on them. That should solve it.”
Five minutes later she calls back.
“Doctor, this is a real emergency! I dumped the water on them and they immediately went back to having sex!”
“Ma’am, it’s very simple. Just tell the male dog that the phone call is for him and make him answer it?”
“Are you sure that will work?”
“Absolutely. It’s worked for me three times tonight.”
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Little Johnny and his sister's parents walk past them and into the bedroom then shut and locked the door behind them.
They looked at each other and the sister said “I wonder what they're doing” so she went up to the door and looked through the keyhole.
Little Johnny asked “what you see, what you see” but the little girl said nothing and had a shocked look on her face.
She wouldn't move so little Johnny pushed her out of the way and looked through the keyhole.
All of the sudden he turned with a angry look on his face and said “And she criticises me for sucking my thumb!"
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Little johnny went into his parents bedroom as they were doing it.
Little Johnny jumped on Daddy's back, yelling "Horsey back ride, horsey back ride!",
Daddy was a bit upset by this but, Mum said "Give Johnny a horsey back ride",
OK, shrugs daddy and gets back back into it...
...and when daddy was almost done, little johnny says "This is when I fall off the mail man..."
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A very large woman in a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar. She raised her right arm revealing a very hairy armpit as she pointed at all the people in the bar and said, "What man here is going to buy a lady a drink?"
The bar fell silent as everyone tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar a drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and shouted, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured a drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned round, raised her arm again revealing the same hairy armpit and pointing at all the patrons in the bar as she said, "What man here is going to buy a lady another drink?"
The bar again fell silent but the same old drunk at the end of the bar yelled, "Give the ballerina another drink!" and slammed his money down on the counter.
The bartender approached the drunk and said, "Look mate, it's your business if you want to buy that woman a drink but why do you keep call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina"
-
One evening, Jesus walks into a flash restaurant with his 12 disciples following him in.
The Maitre D greets him and says:
“Good evening sir, how can we help you today?”
Jesus responds:
“Yes, we’d like a table for 26 please”
The Maitre D looks confused for a second, before gathering his composure:
“But sir, there are only 13 of you?”
Jesus responds:
“Ahh, yes…. but we’re all going to sit on one side of the table”.
-
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get towed......... :whistle:
-
A man walks into a pub and asks for a double scotch.
The Landlord asks, "are you alright" as the man looks a little shaken.
The man explained that his car had konked out a mile or so down the road. He had been scratching his head looking at the engine when a horse popped his head over the hedgerow and told him how to fix the problem.
"Arr, was it a black horse?" Asked the Landlord.
"Yes", said the man
"You wuz lucky then," said the Landlord. "There's a grey horse in that field, and he knows feck all about engines".
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Little Johnny was sitting in his classroom.
His teacher asked the class, ‘If there are seven birds sitting on the washing line and you take away one bird, how many birds are left?’
Little Johnny puts his hand up saying ‘Miss, Miss, me Miss, I know.’
His teacher warily says ‘OK Johnny, how many birds are left if there were seven birds sitting on the washing line and you take away one bird?’
Johnny proudly says ‘None Miss.’
The teacher asks ‘NONE? How did you come up with none Johnny?’
Johnny replies ‘Well, when I shot the first one, the rest flew away...’
-
On a bit of a Run here... :)
When Bill Gates dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter escorts to a nice studio apartment in a nice part of town. Out walking one day, he meets a distinguished looking gentleman with a magnificent white beard. They get along so well that the gentleman suggests they both go to his place for tea.
Bill is awestruck. The place is a palace, with beautiful, manicured gardens and elegant statuary. The tea comes in perfectly translucent bone china cups and tastes, well, Heavenly.
“Who are you to rate such a place?” Bill asks tentatively.
“I am Captain Edward Smith.” his host replies.
“Of the RMS Titanic?”
“Yes, the very same.”
Bill heads off to see St. Peter. “Look, St. Peter, I know that no matter how well I’ve led my life and tried to do good deeds, that I could have done better. But really — Captain Smith….”
St. Peter looks up from his computer screen. “Yes, yes, I know, Captain Smith of the Titanic.”
St. Peter puts his hands on the edge of his heavenly computer desk and stares down at Bill Gates.
“Look, buddy. We run Windows up here. He only crashed once!”
-
Mom and Little Johnny are in the mini van on the way to the mall when out of nowhere a big rubber dildo comes flying through the air and bounces off the Windscreen with a big “WHOMP, startling both Mom & Little Johnny.
Little Johnny says to his Mom, “Mom, Did you see that? What was that that just hit the Windscreen ?”
Mom really doesn’t know exactly how to respond due to the young age of Little Johnny & the embarrassment of what the object actually was but responds with, “It was really just a very big bug Johnny.”
Little Johnny not missing a beat says to his Mom, “No shit Mom, It must have been! Did you see the size of the dick on that thing?”
-
...2 men have died and are at the gates of heaven with Saint Peter.
Saint Peter says "Before you can go into heaven, you need to do a task:
First, you both go back to Earth and you get 10 pieces of fruit of the same kind. Then you come back here."
The first man arrives back with 10 cherries.
Saint Peter says "Now I want you to put them all in your mouth without laughing once. If you can do that, you may go into heaven."
But before he even begins, the man starts laughing wildly.
"Why are you laughing already?" asks Saint Peter, "You haven’t even started yet!?"
"Well", says the man, "I went past the other bloke on the way back here and he was collecting coconuts!"
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I've just remembered that word I've been trying to think of for two weeks.
It's "fortnight."
-
I met a bloke called Ian Tevvy the other day.
He said his brother was the lead singer for The Hollies.
-
Sometimes I turn off the lights and tell jokes.
It's my dark sense of humour.
-
Exercising an agoraphobic dog is no walk in the park.
-
My mate decided to go to a fancy dress party as Adam, so ordered a fig leaf from an agency. When it arrived, it wasn’t suitable, so he sent it back with a covering letter:
Dear Sirs,
The enclosed doesn’t cover my requirements. Please send a larger model.
Yours etc.
By return post, he received a larger fig leaf. This also wasn’t suitable, so he sent it back with a covering letter as before.
This happened several times until he received their XXXXXXL model. Sadly he had to return it with the same covering letter.
Dear Sirs,
The enclosed doesn’t cover my requirements. Please send a larger model.
Yours etc.
By return of post he didn’t receive a fig leaf. Instead, he got this letter:
Dear Customer,
I’m very sorry to tell you that you have had the largest model possible; we even had to have it specially made. We have no more material left.
May we suggest you stick your requirements in your ear and go as a petrol pump?
Yours etc.
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I arranged a seminar on erectile disfunction.
It was a total flop and nobody came.
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I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159, then it just CLIX.
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A man named Bob was going to take a holiday in Mexico for a week, he wanted to experience true Mexican food so he went to a restaurant that was off the beaten path. He found a restaurant called Queso Fresco.
This was his first night there and upon sitting down, he noticed a plate at the next table that a young lady was eating, and what appeared to be two large meatballs on her plate.
When the waiter came to Bob’s table he asked the waiter what the lady was eating because it looked delicious, the waiter explained "That's El Nono, and it's served two to three times a week, it is bull testicles, quite a delicacy in this town".
"You see we have local bullfights near here, and when the bull is defeated and the Matador wins, the bull’s testicles are clipped and served the next day"
Bob explained that he was here for several days, and asked if there was there any chance he could get an order of it?
The waiter assured Bob that he would hold an order if he would like to come back in two days, Bob agreed.
He returned in two days and was served the El Nono. When Bob was finished the waiter came to take his plate and asked Bob what he thought of his meal?
Bob said "Oh it was delicious, but I noticed that size of my portion was quite a bit smaller than the ladies that I saw the other day. Why is that?"
The waiter smiled and said “You see, sometimes the bull wins...”
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A blonde walks into an electrical retailer and asks “How much for your TV set?”
The assistant says “Sorry madam we don't serve blonde's in this store.”
Angered the blonde heads for the hairdresser. “Dye my hair jet black.” She instructs the hairdresser. Once her hair is dyed black she heads back to the electrical retailer.
“How much for your TV set?” She asks a different store assistant.
“Sorry madam we don't serve blonde's in this store.”
“How do you know I'm blonde?” she asks
“Because that's not a TV set, it's a microwave."
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Luther, what exactly is your problem?”
Luther answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Luther to the principal's office. While he waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Luther was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Luther: “9.”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Luther: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Luther can go to the 3rd grade.”
But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”
The principal and Luther both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Luther, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Luther replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief…..
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Luther: “Pants.”
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Luther replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?”
Luther: “Shake hands.”
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”
Luther: "Firetruck.”
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”
-
A man walks into a Pub and sits down at the bar. Oddly, he has a foot tall man sitting on his shoulder.
The barman looks at that and shrugs. He asks the man what he wants to drink.
He says "I’ll have a beer". The barman sets a beer down in front of him.
The one foot man climbs down off the mans shoulder, kicks his beer over, climbs back up onto his shoulder and sits back down.
The barman decides to ask the man what's going on.
The man explains that he found a lamp by the side of the road, he picks it up, a genie pops out and grants the man 3 wishes.
The barman asks him what his wishes were.
The man replies, "I asked for a long and healthy life and to never have any financial problems."
"What was the third thing?" the barman asks.
The man says: "I asked for a 12 inch prick…."
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I'm doing a project and it's about checking the moisture of the grass every morning for a month.
I'll let you know the results in dew course.
-
I was told if I looked up the word gullible, in the dictionary, it would have a picture of me next to it.
Yeah? Well who's laughing now, because I checked, and it doesn't!
-
.
-
I'll keep an eye out for it.
-
.
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"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
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My bike had some kind of problem today.
So I looked around the engine and saw a Female Bat sitting in the Vee.
She said "Hello Sir, you are a handsome man and very nicely dressed too"
I could see the problem straight away!.....
Bat flattery.
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A man goes to the Doctors and when he's in the surgery the Doctor says "What's the problem?"
The man replies "Everytime I fart it goes Honda" At that moment he breaks wind and sure enough it goes Honda.
"Tell me" says the Doctor "are you married?"
"Yes" the man replies.
"And is your wife away at the moment?" askes the Doctor.
"Yes, she's visiting her sister in New Zealand at the moment" he says.
"Well that's it" says the Doctor. "Absence makes the fart go Honda".
-
.
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hello Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???"
-
St. Peter was checking people into heaven and he was really tired. He’d been working nonstop. An old man was approaching and he knew this would take a long time. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jesus.
“Jesus, could you please help this gentleman? I am exhausted and I just need twenty minutes rest.”
“Of course, Peter. Take as long as you need.”
Jesus sat down with the old man and realised he had little memory left. So Jesus would ask the old man pertinent questions to try to determine who he was.
“Old man. Do you remember, think hard, what you did for a living?”
The old man thought hard and suddenly a light went on in his eyes.
“Yes! I worked with my hands, I worked with wood.”
“Good.”, said Jesus. “You were a carpenter.”
“Do you recall if you had children? A son or a daughter?”
The old man thought really hard again and suddenly there was the light.
“Yes! I had a son. People told me he wasn’t really my son. Oh, but I loved him! He was my son!”
Wondering who this old man could be, Jesus thinks of a final question.
“Old man. Was there anything unusual about your son? Something that would have made him stand out in a crowd?”
The old man thought very hard again and again there was the light.
“Yes! He had holes in his hands and his feet!”
Well, that did it! Jesus could no longer contain himself. He jumped from his seat, scooped the old man up in his arms and said: “Father!”
And the old man said: “Pinocchio!”
-
The world's richest man is dying. He's made peace with that. But what bothers him is no one in the afterlife will even know it.
Here he's a self-made man who created this huge fortune from scratch, but he can't take it with him. Not that he could spend it, of course, but just to SHOW everyone what a great success the poor boy had become.
He broods over this so that his guardian angel is worried. One night the angel flies to Heaven to consult Jesus. Jesus says “Well, you know earthly wealth has no place here"
The angel replies “I know Lord, but he's been such a good man. Did a lot for charity ,ran his business honestly. He's only human. He can't help having this little quirk. Isn't there something we can do to ease his mind?
Jesus thinks a moment. “”All right. Let's look him up in the Book of Life" The Book is like a film of this man's life and seeing his struggles , Jesus is moved.
He tells the guardian angel “Wake him and tell him I will allow him to bring one suitcase - only one, mind you. And he can fill it with whatever wealth he chooses. At the moment he of his death it will be brought to heaven with him.”
The angel goes down and gives the message .The bloke is happy but what should he bring? Our money would mean nothing to people from another time, jewels could be faked, stocks and bonds could not be traded so they'd be so much paper. Finally it dawn's on him . Gold. Gold has been valued throughout history.
He sends out for the biggest suitcase he can find, fills it with gold bars, and sets it beside his bed. Now he can die in peace, and he does.
True to the promise he arrives at the Pearly Gates, suitcase in hand. St. Peter greets him warmly and says “All right. Let's see what was so important to you that eternal life and bliss wasn't enough"
The man proudly opens the suitcase, stuffed with row after row of little gold bars.
St. Peter stares at it, puzzled, and says “You brought pavement?”
-
.
-
They got the distances round the wrong way maybe.
Not a funny article , so I hummed and harred about posting this here...but it is slightly :shrug: interesting.....if only for the cool as Feck gun, and that jacket the shooter is wearing?
Ho Hum
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20240731-the-sports-where-women-outperform-men
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Re: the run, shouldn't there be a 7.5k as well, for the Sam Smiths?
-
Who? :shrug:
Sam Smiths............that's a beer ....no? :grin:
Ho Hum
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A British bloke named Charles Oscar Jones moved to Spain.
He kept telling his friends what an amazingly happy man his postman was, always with a smile on his face as he delivered the bloke’s letters, if not actually laughing out loud.
This went on for some months, until the bloke finally learned what the Spanish word COJONES means.
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This is proof that the old ones are not the best.
An army general is newly stationed in a desert post. On his first day, he calls for a soldier to show him around. While doing this, he notices a camel randomly tied to a tent.
He asks the soldier, “Soldier, why is that camel tied to the tent?”
The soldier looks awkward and answers, “Er, well Sir, as you know there are no women on the base so er, the camel is there for when the men get certain…um…urges”
The general nods in understanding And says, “Well I don’t condone this behaviour, but I suppose I understand”
A few weeks into the post, the general starts feelings these urges himself. He calls for the soldier to bring the camel to his tent. He then goes outside, gets a stool, and has wild animal sex with the camel.
After he’s finished, he climbs confidently off of the stool and sees the soldier staring at him, wide-eyed.
“So” the general says with a grin, “Is that how you boys do it here?”
The soldier answers, still wide-eyed, “No Sir, we usually just ride the camel into the nearby town where the women are” :roll: :thumb:
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Just a quick joke this time.
Donald Trump becomes president of America and potentially the most powerful man on the planet for the second time? lol lol lol
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A nurse was instructed to give a male patient a sponge bath. The patient was wearing an oxygen mask as he had suffered an extremely bad asthma attack.
The young nurse was told that she only had to wash him from the waist up, but the man on his oxygen mask said, “ Nurse, are my testicles black?”
She pretended not to hear him, but he repeated himself: “ Nurse, are my testicles black?”
She knew she had to do something, so, very gingerly, she looked under his sheet, then cupped his testicles in her hand.
She looked at the patient and said, “ They seem okay to me sir.”
The patient stared at her for a minute, then with exasperation, he lowered his mask and said very slowly: “Are…my….test results..back?”
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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers'.
'The bloke in the middle went home for lunch..'!!!
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There are 5 blokes working on a building site... One from Northern Ireland, one from Scotland, one from Eire, and one from Liverpool.
There was a French bloke working with them as well, but they all kept picking on him. Eventually the Frenchman has had enough and goes in to see the foreman.
The foreman calls all the blokes in and says "Hello Mick, Mac, Paddy, Whack, leave the Frog alone."
-
It's time for a cheesy pick up line.
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Goods inward yard at the KTM camshaft factory?
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As I understand the problem was incorrect oilway cross drilling and not the camshafts that were faulty. Although we may never know the truth.
-
True, but there was a picture of cheese.
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yeah and it was Gouda to see
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I opened the next window of my One Direction advent calendar today and Liam Payne fell out...
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I'm raising money to buy a Ball Park.
Anyone know what a rough cost would be?
-
My friend Walter Wall has just opened a
carpet shop but he's struggling to think of a name for it.
-
I hear Greg Wallace has been advised that his defence " I wasn't feeling myself at the time", might not help.
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Well I'm sorry but it's that time of the year. :lala: :grin: :dance:
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing – it was on the house.
What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.
What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?
“Get out of my face.”
A gingerbread man went to the doctor’s complaining of a sore knee.
“A sore knee?” the doctor said. “Have you tried icing it?”
Last Christmas I bought my friend a lie detector as a gift.
“Oh… I love it!” she said.
“We’ll see,” I said.
How did the bauble know that she was addicted to Christmas?
She’d been hooked on Christmas trees all her life.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis.
What do you call a blind reindeer?
No-eye deer.
-
Ironic, isn't it? The only thing you can't buy from Selfridges is......
A fridge.
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A man was driving over a bridge and gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to his car and asks him “Do you know how fast you were going?” he says “No sir the speedometer doesn't work”.
Cop takes a quick look at the chap and the shitbox pickup he's driving and says “This truck is a pile of shit and you look awful scruffy... do you even have a job?”
The bloke replies “Yes I got a job, a really good job”.
Cop says “Oh really, what do you do?”
Man replies “I'm a professional rectum stretcher”.
Cop says “What the hell is a rectum stretcher?”.
Chap says “Well people come to me once a week and I slowly stretch their rectum till it's about this wide (as he holds his arms out).
Cop says “What the feck is someone supposed to do with a 6 foot wide arsehole”.
And the Man replies “I have no idea, but I think they give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge!”
(Badoom tsh!) :)
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A squirrel is sitting on the branch of tree, he looks around, suddenly realizing a cow is sitting on the branch next to him.
Surprised, he asks the cow: “What are you doing here, up on the tree… you’re… a cow”, to which the cow replies: “I came here to eat nuts”.
The squirrel then says: “But… this is an apple tree”, and the cow says: “Yeah, I know, I brought the nuts with me”.
-
< Given that it's the festive season :) >
A young lad goes to the doctor with willy problems. He says it has turned green and flakey.
The doctor has a look and says “You know how a boxer, after being hit on the ear many times, can develop a cauliflower ear”?
“Yes” says the lad.
“Well” says the doc “What you have there is a brothel sprout.”
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I mislaid Dwayne Johnson's tool box at an origami workshop.
I cannot believe I lost the Rock's paper scissors.
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A blonde girl calls her neighbour and says “Sorry to bother you but I have a difficult puzzle that I can not solve, can you come over and help me?”
So the neighbour goes over and and says: "OK, what is the puzzle supposed to be when it is finished?”.
The girl says “According to the box it is supposed to be a red rooster when it is done"
The man takes a look at the box and the pieces that are spread on the table and says: “Well, we won’t get anything even remotely resembling a red rooster from these pieces. Let’s just relax, have a cup of coffee and I'll put the cornflakes back in the box...”
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I'm not overly fond of political jokes - especially American ones, but these made me smile/giggle so I thought I'd inflict them on you lot :)
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty.
As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave, but Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?"
Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
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Today I was at the bookstore. As I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and Illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk angrily said, "feck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
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I've been making lots of mistakes lately.... I hope it's dementia ... I can't spell the other one.
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If you want your wife's attention just sit in a chair looking comfortable and relaxed.
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I'm really worried
I've been afraid my wife has been fooling around on me.
so I hid behind the shop the other night when I saw her getting out of some one else's truck buttoning her shirt.
I squated down behind my bike as she pulled her panties out of her purse and put them on.
As I hid behind my bike I noticed the swing arm was cracked
do you think I can weld it or do I need to replace it??
And another.
Her: Dear diary, I'm scared my husband is cheating on me. Today he came home from work late. He didn't say where he was. He didn't hug me, and he didn't talk to me. He seemed distracted during dinner, and when I asked him what's wrong he said "Nothing." We went to bed and made love and he didn't seem like himself. I'm scared.
His: Dear diary, my damn bike wouldn't start after work today. I pushed it home and spent an hour in the garage with it, and I can't figure it out. I don't want to have to take the car to work tomorrow. But, I did get laid tonight.
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A ventriloquist is traveling through Oklahoma when his car overheats. He pulls over to the side of the road and sees a farmer out plowing his field and decided to have a little fun with this good ol' boy. So, the ventriloquist walks over and yells over the sound of the tractor “Hello mister, you got a minute”?
The farmer shuts down his tractor and says “Sure son, what you need”?
The ventriloquist says “Did you know that your cow can talk”? The farmer says “Mister, you're crazy! That cow can't talk”.
The ventriloquist says, "Watch this" and throws his voice - and the cow goes” I love life out here on the farm , I always have so much to eat”
The farmer goes “Damnit! my cow can talk “ !!
The ventriloquist then says, “mister did you know that your pig over there can talk”?
The farmer replies, “Mister I've had that pig seven years now, ain't never said word one !!”
The ventriloquist says, "Watch this,” and throws his voice again. The pig goes “ I hate life out here on the farm my pig sty is always so filthy “...
The farmer replies “Damnit my pig can talk too”.
Then the ventriloquist goes “mister did you know that your sheep over there can talk“?
And the farmer hurriedly says "Mister, don't you believe a word that whore says, she's a born liar !!"
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Trump sworn in as 47th President of the USA. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha... Sorry, it's not really very funny. :roll:
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Screwfix don't sell Threadlock.
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One evening John (who had just got divorced) was feeling sorry for himself while strolling along beach in Southern California, and lamenting the fact that he was going to have to start his life all over again. John had lived a good and honest life, worked hard and had always striven to the right thing, but things had still gone haywire.
This realization made him question everything that he had believed in and made him seriously wonder whether any of his efforts really mattered?
Then he felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned to find a elderly man bathed in a bright white light.
God introduced himself and assured John that the world indeed needed more people like John, and that to reward him for his lifetime of piety, God would grant John a single wish. John then looked out over the ocean at the dazzling colors of the Los Angeles sunset and turned to God and said “You know, we had our honeymoon in Hawaii and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. However, I also learned that I am terrified of flying, so we never returned. How about you creating a bridge from here to Hawaii?”
God smiled and then asked John if he was really sure about this bridge because, although he was God and could do pretty much anything, the bridge would dramatically disrupt the environment/weather, impact ocean currents, alter migratory patterns and make shipping far more expensive and complicated, so God just wanted to make sure that John had fully considered the broader ramifications of his request.
John thought about things for a second, and immediately saw God’s point so he then decided to shift gears, and, turning back to his divorce (which he was still trying to figure-out) John decided to simply ask God to grant him the ability to understand women.
To this God replied “Will that be a two lane or a four lane bridge?
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Some funny one liners.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk.
Always remember: You’re just as unique as everybody else.
I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.
If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something bad. If you see me laughing, it’s because I already have.
One more.
This obviously isn’t working out. I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways and start making other people miserable.
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I need a new car and I was considering a DeLorean.
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
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A man was lying on the beach naked with only a hat covering his privates.
A woman walks by and says “ if you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat’”.
He replied “ if you were a lady it would lift its self. “
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A woman had terrible luck in the dating scene and was just about ready to give up when her friend said “Just put exactly what you want on your profile. There is bound to be one man who fits it!”
So she writes in her profile Wanted “Man who doesn't run around on a woman, man who doesn't drink or smoke, and man who is a great lover.”
Months go by and she forgets all about it until her doorbell rings.
She opens the door and lying on the mat is an armless and legless man.
She says “What are you here for?”
He says “Your ad”
She says “What makes you qualified?”
He says “I don't have legs, so I can’t run around on you, I don't have arms, so I can’t smoke or drink”
She says “So what makes you a great lover?”
He says “How do you think I rang the doorbell?”
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Tried reading the dictionary in bed last night, didn't finish it, got up to P
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I got to the end.... lots of ZZZZZZZZZZZs.
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Breaking news: Historians believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that once belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson said, "They're so badly chewed on the ends, we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B."
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I went to buy some parcel tape but found the stationery shop has moved.
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I went into WH Smiths and asked the woman on the till "do you keep stationery? She replied "yes, up until the vinegar strokes, then I go frantic.'
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:shock: lol
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My friend Gavin died yesterday, from an allergic reaction to eating heart burn tablets.
I can't believe Gavisgone.
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The harmonica is the only instrument I don't mind sucking at.
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Seeing as it's St Patricks day here is a joke that was first posted here back in 2008. :thumb:
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son,
where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling mom
you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage & no bike!"
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Some silly jokes to exercise your chuckle muscles. :thumb:
Why shouldn’t you fundraise for marathons? They just take the money and run.
Why did the crab cross the road? It didn’t—it used the sidewalk.
Why does it take pirates a long time to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C!
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Why can’t you put two half-dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a hole, and your money will fall out!
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock? It’s a little meteor.
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A horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter",
Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”,
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this c*** he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies
" that's me when I played for Juventus !
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Astronomers have found until now a previously undiscovered star and although it's relatively close in cosmic distance terms dim light from it has taken many years to reach us.
They've named it Dave.